I did question her about it. I asked if he spanked them or punished them for anything and she said no. I asked if it was him playing around and she said yes. But the fact is that it bothers her and hurts them, so I need to say something.

Blindsided,

"My 5 yr old tells me she does not like the POSOM. She is old enough that she is expressing herself, and when I was in AZ, she told me that "POSOM" needs to stop hitting her and her sister."

All kidding aside Blind, you NEED to pay attention to your daughter Pronto! As a father myself I'm appalled that you would shrug this off as 'just playing rough'!!! Your alarm bells should be sounding given, as you stated, this POSOM has a criminal record for domestic violence and DUI. She obviously confided in you because something IS going on and she's looking for you to step in!!

The following is what I would do and all w/o involving or informing your ExW):
1) Obviously hire an attorney to guide you through all of this as far as investigating possible child abuse (I'd be prepared to eat hot dogs for nourishment for two months if I need to raise the fee).
2) Consult with your State Child Protection Services agency and, if necessary, demand they investigate,
3) Next time your daughters are scheduled to be with you, have an appt. with a pediatrician made and take them there for a physical (obviously for hidden bruises, skin discoloration, possible bone fractures, etc.),
4) Point blank ask you oldest daughter if she has been hit, shoved, pinched, touched nappropriately by the POSOM, left alone, etc., and make sure she feels she CAN confide in you and that you WILL protect her.

This is far more urgent than asking your daughter if 'mommy thinks daddy should come home'!!

Get this done Blind, for the sake of your kids!!

Tom

Blindsided,

"But the fact is that it bothers her and hurts them, so I need to say something"

WRONG! You do not say anything to your ExW. At this point I would assume the worst - that she is complicant by allowing this abuse - and hitting for whatever reason IS child abuse. You need to get a pro team together in getting your kids out of that house now.

Tom

I agree

Wow. My gut tells me that it isn't as serious as you might think, but I will have a talk with my daughter this weekend. If my spidey sense goes off from anything she says, I will follow this advice.

The POSOM is a drunk, after all, I suppose anything is possible.

look up the statistics of girls abused by stepfathers (even though he technically isn't their stepfather, the living arrangements are the same...)


1. Russell, Diana: The Prevalence and Seriousness of Incestuous Abuse: Stepfathers VS. Biological Fathers, Child Abuse & Neglect Vol. 8, pp. 15-22, 1984.

This article provides statistical evidence both:
�that having a stepfather rather than a biological father at home made being sexually abused about 8 times more likely for girls, and
� that having a stepfather at home made being very seriously sexually abused about twice as likely for girls as having a biological father at home did.

I am aware of the increased risk. I read it was 12x more likely if you factor in all types of abuse. He has a son who is approaching his teen years, also, so I would look at that as a risk as well.

However, I asked my daughter if she sees the POSOM a lot, if he is at their house a lot and she said no. Not sure what to make of that. I think he was over there quite a bit before, but maybe it is winding down, who knows.

On another note, the xW is having our dog put to sleep tonight. He is 13 and his health is failing fast and is in pain. She got him as a puppy before we were married and we had him throughout our entire marriage, obviously. It has been hard for me today, because it brings back a lot of memories of our early days when I assumed we were happy. I don't know how the xW is taking it. I wonder if she is having the same nostalgic thoughts that I am.

I was doing a little search on the POSOM the other night to see what I could dig up. My shovel hit a little something. Remember that cheater website that he ended up on, picture and all? Well, it got reposted to another, similar site, and someone posted a comment on his profile:

"WOW! I have been a member of a couple hiking groups that we are in together and just found this! This guy always wanted to talk to my wife and exchange numbers. Now I'm pissed."

The post is only a few months old, so I can safely assume that he was engaged in this slimy behavior the same time he was putting it to my ex wife, since he's been doing that for going on two years now.

POSom is an appropriate moniker.

Are you in Plan B or trying to do Any Plan A'ing?

A thoughtful and heartfelt Sympathy Card would be very appropriate for tge loss of her 4 legged friend.

LTL

I'm just on cruise control right now with so much other stuff going on. I'm trying to be in a plan A mentality when I do have to deal with her.

She brought a bunch of boxes of my stuff from the garage that she "found". I'm sure she knew it was there but dumped it on me as retaliation for her perception that I somehow manipulated her father on my trip out there.

He had told his wife (her mom) that POSOM was not welcome in his house. He asked her not to say anything but of course, she did.

Dr. Harley often references a study that was done in Iowa, in which the vast majority of men in a alcohol treatment center admitted to sexually abusing their own children.

Not that anyone is hanging on my every post... xW has not texted me at all lately except to ask if I could get the girls early next Friday so she can go to the lake with one of her enabler friends. This lady has babysat for my xWife on many occasions, and has been one of those who dispenses advice and encouragement (I've seen it on Facebook) without getting both sides to our story. I wish people like that would mind their business and not give uninformed advice.

I've been kinda depressed over the dog having to be put down Monday. Things not going as quickly as I would like with the project. Still not back to work - it's been 3 weeks with no income. Good thing I socked away a bit of money or I'd be sweating it right now. As it is, the little vacation is cutting onto my project fund.

My friend keeps telling me that things are going to turn around with the xW, and that I will get my opportunity to win her back, because that's what happened to him, I guess. But I don't know, she doesn't give me any indication whatsoever that she is interested in that scenario.

I'm sorry about the dog.
Our pets can become dear friends and in reality the dog was probably more loyal than your wife was.

You understand she always reaches out to you for favor's and doesn't follow your visitation schedule because you allow it. If you were in Plan B your IM would simply say please stick to the visitation schedule and you wouldn't ever have to feel like she is taking advantage of you. Just saying, there's a reason for Plan B.

I don't know how easy or hard it is to pick up on the changes I have gone through since I came here. I believe that I am a different person, mainly from what I have learned by reading Dr. Harley's books, and applying that knowledge to real scenarios.

Having said that, I do not stand any chance of reconciling with my ex until SHE makes some changes, and I don't believe that she will. She NEVER respected my opinion on ANYTHING. She would ask me, looking for the answer she wanted, and I almost never gave it to her. It was almost like her saying "I want to do something I know is wrong, so if I ask your opinion, it gives me license to do it anyway no matter what your opinion is."

Here is a text exchange from this morning:

Her: {5 year old} wants to get her ears pierced. What do you think?

Me: No way. She hasn't reached the age of reason yet.

Her: The age of reason? All girls get their ears pierced. Some earlier than others.

Me: Why did you ask me what I thought?

Her: I forgot you've turned into my dad. Never mind.


I was tempted to say something after that, but it is pointless. I am sure some of you will call me an a**hole for having an emphatic opinion about my FIVE year old getting her ears pierced. I think she is too young. My xW asked my opinion, and I gave it, and I gave her a reason to support it. BUT, it didn't matter, did it? My FIVE year old will have pierced ears the next time I see her.

I wonder what Dr. Harley the Psychologist would think about her comment "I forgot you've turned into my dad". I am not her father, But I AM the father of my five-year-old daughter. It is as if she is living vicariously through our daughter and my not agreeing to get her ears pierced is somehow a slight against HER.

The unfortunate matter is that co-parenting post-divorce can be even more difficult. My xW and I share difficulties in parenting, because I would like to communicate and follow POJA principles as they pertain to child rearing. However, she has existed in a land of independent behavior for 5 years now, singlehandedly deciding what extracurricular activities are best for our daughter, what holiday parenting time she feels she deserves, and nearly every other aspect you could imagine.

When she is challenged, she either continues on the path she decided, or she files a parenting time motion, threating to take away my parenting time if I do not comply with x or y.

Early on after the divorce I would fight it every step of the way, but as of late I do what is right, whether it is what I want or not. I take my daughter's feelings into account, and do what is best.

You have a long road ahead Blindsided, but doing the right thing will always serve you and your daughter well.

The POJA is for married couples.
It is not for divorced couples; if the husband and wife were able to follow the POJA and resolve conflicts they wouldn't be divorced in the first place.

Okay, been a while, been very busy. So the xW went to NY/DC on vacation for 2 weeks, as you know, then last weekend she took Saturday off to go to the lake with her friend (POSOM probably went also, but I don't know).

So she texts me after she picks the girls up on Monday afternoon - I proactively asked her if she wanted me to keep them an extra night, knowing she might get back late. She agreed. Then she texted me about having to spend all this money on clothes for our 5 year old because her school has a dress code that most of her clothes don't meet. She asked me for $75 extra for help with that. Of course, I find it interesting that she can afford to lose two weeks of income, and another Saturday of business (she is self-employed), and she wonders why she is broke. The urge to say something is definitely there, but in keeping with whatever Plan A that I am able to do, I wrote her a check and put it in the girls' suitcase that she sends with them, without making any comments.

I just can't see it lasting between her and the POSOM. He is bound to screw up sometime, especially when he is hitting on married women in his hiking group.

xW has been asking quite a few favors lately and I have been saying yes - nicely. Let's hope it parlays into something good.