Ks, I would cut off these people entirely and make that a condition with your wife. The woman is dangerously ignorant. Would she consider it "controlling" to refuse to give a suicidal person a gun? Because that is what she is doing to you and your wife. She is too stupid to be in your lives and has already caused enough damage.

That seems pretty harsh for someone who is ignorant. I think they are teachable, and they want the best for my wife too. I was very ignorant about all sorts of A actions, and believed my wife too. Friend has been manipulated by my wife just like I have. I am waking up, because I have been working hard at figuring this out. I believe friend can be redeemed too and learn to not be codependent, and learn to help be a GOOD support for my wife.

Am I completely mad to believe that?

Yes, you are mad. Your lives are in a state of crisis and you don't have the energy or time to educate a dangerously ignorant person. This woman has been toxic to your wife and your marriage. You can't afford that.

You should judge her by her actions not her stated intentions. She HAS NOT been supportive in the least. She has been poison.

Any adult who has to be "educated" to not facilitate an affair with a married person is beyond hope. She doesn't know right from wrong and as such, is a dangerous person who can't be trusted. The fact that you can't see this scares me.

"That seems pretty harsh for someone who is ignorant"

I am applying the "friends" principles to suicide. She believes it would be 'controlling" not to facilitate your wife's self destructive behavior, ie: her affair. That is about as crazy as it gets. Your wife needs to be around women who have common sense and practice principles of right and wrong. That is the exact opposite of this "friend."

Sir, it isnt your job to teach the friend how to be redeemed and not be codependent.
Instead of focusing on her, I suggest you focus on yourself and work on fixing your codependency issues before teaching others.

The affair aside, you have obviously been an enabler of your wife's drinking. Instead of becoming a teacher, first become a student of AlAnon principles.

Maybe it isn't my job to educate, but I can see so much in friend that was the same person I was 6 months ago in regards to my wife. Friend was not aware of alcoholism, as until January, it never occurred during the day, only after the kids had been put to bed. Wife was very secretive about it, and friend has her own problems.

I am also trying to see how this plays out - cutting out OM is obvious for me and wife. How would I convince her friend is no longer a part of her life...

I sincerely hope you focus on your marriage and your alcoholic wife instead of this "friend." Tell your wife that in addition to stopping drinking and having contact with the OM, she needs to find a new "friend." It is disturbing to me that we have discussed this "friend" for 2 pages of your thread instead of your real problems.

KS, when I sobered up in AA, I had a hard time navigating life for the first few years, because I was so out of touch with reality that I had to learn to think a new way. It is doubly hard for a spouse of an alcoholic because they have on the receiving end of crazy behavior for so long. I think the fact that we have been discussing whether a person who has knowingly facilitated an affair because she "didn't want to be controlling" should remain in your wife's life is a demonstration of this dynamic. I am sure there is some good in this friend, but the bad parts are so destructive, I hope you can rethink your feelings about her.

I hear what you are saying - just acknowledging that it is very hard to follow through with that action. I don't know how I get my wife on the same page with dumping best friend, unlike disconnecting from OM. Friend was not enabling with A while it occurred - she has been in a bad place since wife and OM stopped connecting. But, like me, friend has been manipulated and learning how to navigate dealing with wife in a healthy manner. You see how I've struggled just with the alcoholism, and just a few days ago finally set myself to do the right thing with wife.

And yes, I need to deal with my own problems and have learned a lot here. My wife is now in rehab, and I'm in a holding pattern for trying to repair my marriage once she returns. What should I be doing now to prepare for resumption of rebuilding my marriage in a couple weeks?

But the friend is a friend of the OM, passed on messages to your wife from the OM and just told you yesterday that she felt it would be "controlling" to do otherwise. How can we get past this because I am exhausted trying to show you how toxic this friend is.

KSummit, how can this be true? Did she ask your opinion before she had an affair? Did she copy you in on the email announcing that she was revoking your marriage vows?

Yes - passed on one message. Foolish and stupid and enabling. But, you're also asking me to blow up her support structure, something I don't know how to do without pushing wife away too. How do I get my wife to agree with cutting ties with best friend too?

Nononono!! I don't want to blow up her support structure at all. I want you to eliminate a resource that is NOT supportive in the least. She is not "foolish," she is dangerous.

I would encourage your wife to call AA and get matched up with a female sponsor. Most AA hotlines will assign a temp sponsor and they choose women who have some good sobriety under their belts. Can you suggest this to her?

From that perspective, I did not have a part to play - but based on the MB principles, I did. I was not meeting some needs of my wife, not protecting the marriage from A opportunities... so maybe I phrased it wrong, but I now know more about how to protect my marriage.

Yes, I will suggest getting an AA sponsor. I was planning on going with her every night for 2 weeks after she gets out of rehab, and encouraging this.

Sir, I hope you start attending AlAnon meetings because you are not thinking clearly.
Blow up her support structure?
She doesnt have a "support structure." Her friend is a support structure as much as the friendly man behind the counter at the liquor store who converses with her.
Having am smile and talking to someone does not a "friend" make.

So tonight, while talking to my wife, I find out she is trying to get friend to give her OM contact info so wife can "write a mail to cuss him out". I express displeasure and remind her of No Contact email. She rails me, that this is what she needs for closure, but friend has deleted contact info.... wife accuses me of colluding with friend to delete OM info. I did almost exactly that - told friend it was not healthy or ok to continue to contact affair partner. She agreed and deleted contact info, despite wife manipulating and asking for it.

I am at a loss... I know rehabs are hard, but I have been living in Plan A for almost 3 months now... it is hard to continue. I want to run away. I am getting tired of unrequited love while being married.

Did you email Dr. Harley as I suggested?
Have you been attending AlAnon meetings?

Also, did you get any ADs to help you through this tough time?

No one said Plan A was easy, and unrequited love is the hardest part of it. But knowing that you are giving 100% best effort to recover your marriage will make you a better person and a better husband down the road. That and faithfully following the steps of the MB program.

Many of us have been in the trenches of Plan A and it is not fun. Worst memories of my life, that's for sure. But those who make it through are glad that they took the hard road.

When my wife left me for another man, I was convinced she would never fall back in love with me and that the destruction wrought on our marriage by the affair was too much to overcome. Today we are as much in love with each other as when we met as teenagers.

Put faith in the process. Whatever the outcome, you come out better for it.