I have been married 16 years. During that time, my husband has hinted that he has physical preferences that I don't meet. Particularly red hair and being very firm and fit. He married me when I had black hair and wore a size 10 jean. After 3 kids and the body changes that go with that, I got back down to my size 10. About 2 years ago, however, he admitted that he really never found me attractive and now had feelings of wanting to leave me. Apparently he married me for my other qualities and realized too late that physical attractiveness was his number one need and he didn't feel that toward me. He officially asked me (no more hinting) to dye my hair red and get down to a size 6. After much crying and hard work, I made it into a 6 and even dyed my hair. However, he says I'm still not there and would like me to get to a loose size 4 jean and firm up my rear and thighs. I have to watch everything I eat just to stay a size 6 and I liked my black hair with natural highlights in the sun! I'm hurt and confused. He knows all of this, but is insistent this is what he needs to feel attracted to me. I have been trying, but am not getting any smaller. Let me add that he is obsessed with working out himself. He is constantly exercising and has a nice body because of it. He likes to do the leg/ butt exercises in front of me in hopes that I will see what I could do to improve. I have so much resentment built up at this point that I only make love out of duty and find myself daydreaming about a man rescuing me away from my husband. I know physical attractiveness is a need and in his book, Willard Harley, Jr. explains that some men need this. I truly understand. However, it is a nightmare to try to become a fantasy my husband has in his head. One I've never been. I'm hurt and confused. My husband is aware of my feelings, but is worried about having to live a lifetime with someone he isn't attracted to. By the way, he is a wonderful man in all other areas and does say my face is beautiful. I do love him. I'm just so very tired of trying. Any words of wisdom?

Hi okiegal, welcome to Marriage Builders. I can show you what Dr Harley wrote to a husband who felt as your husband did:

here

You might want to write Dr Harley and get his input, but I seriously doubt he would advocate you meeting your H's need in a way that causes you resentment. You can get his free advice by writing him at the radio link.

Thank you MelodyLane for posting this letter. It does certainly sound like what I'm going through. Just on the husband's end of it. Unfortunately, I would rather do ANYTHING else than exercise with him. I have tried exercising with him, but he is very fit and I am not. So without purposely trying, he ends up pushing me so that I will get the results he wants. We do spend lots of time together; watching rentable movies, walking around shops, taking the kids to the zoo and museums, going on road trips, etc. During our road trip vacations, however, I have to warn him that I'm not going to stay on a diet during our vacation and to not get too upset. When we watch movies, I make sure not to eat popcorn anymore. This is a daily struggle over here. I will try the suggestion of making other deposits. I hope he can eventually learn to find me attractive. It's so sad, though, because I'm actually very pretty and most other men find me attractive. When I mentioned that to my husband, he simply said that they are attracted to different looks than he is. Other men seem to find all kinds of different women attractive. My husband has a very specific woman he wants. Red hair, size 4, and athletic. None of which are me

OG, this is where you should focus. Most of this is not quality time that will create a romantic marriage. Any time spent watching movies or spent with the kids will not do the trick because when you do that, you are not meeting each others intimate emotional needs. Romantic love is created by spending at least 20+ hours per week meeting each others intimate emotional needs. The best way to do this is schedule 4 - 4 hour dates per week. [without kids and without friends]

When you exercise together, it should be done doing things you both enjoy.

But I would start by familiarizing yourself with the program. Do you have the book His Needs, Her Needs? That would be a good place to start.

I do have the book. However, I just bought it this past weekend. We were on a date together and were in a bookstore. While wandering around, we ended up in the marriage self-help section. My husband picked up this book, read part of it and put it down with the exclamation that he was just frustrated. After prodding, I found out he was "frustrated" that he met my needs, but I didn't meet his. So, I bought the book and have read the section on physical appearance as that is the main section my husband was looking at. I definitely plan on reading it cover to cover, however.

The key to falling in love is a) meeting each intimate emotional needs, b) avoiding love busters and doing all this for 15-20 hours per week. I assure you that physical appearance is not his ONLY emotional need. He has many others. And when you become a pro at meeting them, his feelings will change.

He is not doing a good job of meeting your needs if you feel frustrated and unloved. The way he is demanding that you meet his need for PA is causing resentment and is harmful to your marriage.

I would strongly urge you to write Dr Harley. They will give you advice on the radio. You don't have to go on the show, they can just answer your email on the air and then you can play it for your husband.

Thank you for your advice. You have given me hope. We had gone to our pastor for counseling and he was simply at a loss for words. He didn't understand my husband's point of view. He just kept saying he couldn't understand how anyone could not find me attractive. Unfortunately, that didn't help at all and we are still in the same boat we were before going for counseling. I just sent an e-mail to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com Thank you again MelodyLane.

Good deal! You will find Dr Harley very helpful. Sometimes he will speak to the other spouse to get them on board. While pastors certainly mean well, they don't typically know how to save marriages.

Hi Okiegal, I agree with Dr. Harley's statement posted earlier by Melody:

My wife thinks she's fairly average, but to me, she's the prettiest woman on the planet!

Have you showed Dr. Harley's letter to your husband? If not, it might help.

After you read His Needs, Her Needs, remember the distinction between emotional needs in general and intimate emotional needs, the needs Melody is pointing out that should be met in one-on-one time with your husband. Intimate Emotional Needs, and using The Policy of Undivided Attention to meet them are two of Dr. Harley's key components for creating feelings of love between a couple.

It's possible that your husband not finding you physically attractive has more to do with him not being in love with you than it does you not being attractive to him.

(Not really adding anything new here, just agreeing with everything Melody already said.)

I'm interested to hear Dr. Harley's response to your email. Please let us know!

Is he working out in gyms alone?
If so, he may be looking at these 25 year old women that live in the gyms and comparing you to them.

Hi Okiegal, it seems like a contrast effect for him, all the time comparing you to a fantasy from his past, or some real woman. Does he watch porn? Does he have women friends?

Jedi_Knight, he works out alone at home. However, he does frequently use workout videos and there are plenty of "25 year old women" in them that he could easily compare me to. Basically anyone who works out all the time is going to have a better body than me.
KeepLearning, he says he is in love with me. In fact, he thinks that other than my body, I'm perfect. He loves everything else about me and says that he decided to give up the idea of being attracted to me when he married me because he was so impressed with everything else. I guess he misjudged his own ability to do without that part. I hope to so fill up his love bank with everything else that he starts to see what other men see in my appearance. I will let you know if Dr. Harley responds. I'm on the fence about showing my husband Dr. Harley's above letter as one of his main suggestions is to exercise together. I'm afraid that may simply add fuel to the fire at this point. I will think about it though. By the way, I have not given up trying to get down to his perfect size. It's just very hard.... and degrading.

Dr. Harley recommended that because he wants your husband to spend his most enjoyable moments (exercise) with you.

Can you please answer this question?

Oh! I'm sorry, I hadn't seen that post from Blue_Topaz. No, he has no female friends. And although porn was a problem in the beginning of our marriage, he has gone about 4 years with no relapses.

Let me add something. My husband is a perfectionist (he works as a CPA). He has a hard time with grey lines. He knows exactly the color of red he wants my hair the exact body shape he wants. He has sculpted his body to reflect his idea of perfection as well. He is not cruel. He simply can't understand why his expectations of me are not being met. I don't think this is about another woman. I think it is simply his idea of perfection.

Are you familiar with His Needs Her Needs?
Do you and your husband spend 15 hours a week together (and alone) doing things you both enjoy?

Jedi_Knight, I actually answered that question earlier in the postings. I did just get the book and we do spend most of our free time together. We do need to find other activities we can do with just the two of us, however.

Let us know when you hear back.

Well, I just received the following e-mail. I'm about to go to the website and listen in to Dr. Harley's advice:
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I wanted you to know that we addressed your email of August 12 on today�s Marriage Builders Radio Show, Tuesday, August 12, 2014.

Our discussion was after today�s caller.

You can listen to a replay by simply going to: www.marriagebuilders.com. On the homepage click the tab Listen Now. Or you can listen on your Marriage Builders App.

This show will be replayed until noon Central Time, Wednesday, August 13.
After that you will not be able to listen to this show.

Feel free to get back to us with any further questions.

Joyce Harley



Joyce Harley
Host/Producer
Marriage Builders Radio
651-429-6729
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