Hello,

This is my first ever post. I am looking for some help, direction, advice.

Here's my story:

I am a 33 year old married father of one (6 y/o). My wife and I met in college, I was a sophomore, she was a freshman. We have been together ever since. We dated throughout college and got married at the age of 25 and 23. We had our daughter a couple of years later.

My wife is a spectacular woman. She is pretty, smart, unselfish and a great Mother. She has made so many sacrifices over the years in order to make me happy and allow me to follow my dreams. She is a working Mother and has a very important job that provides a lot for our family.

Dating back to the early years of our relationship, I have always made mistakes with respect to other women. In college, she caught me a few times trying to flirt / hookup with other girls. She would be the first one to tell you that I am inappropriate and take her for granted. After college and in the early years of marriage, I have always gone out with the guys and been interested in flirting and talking to other girls.

Two years ago I was caught in the act of cheating on my wife with my best friends wife and my wife's good friend. She was an old fling from high school. My wife had always told herself (and others) that she would leave if I ever cheated on her. I begged her to stay, threatened to hurt myself, etc. I told her I would change and that I didn't want to break up our family. We started counseling and whatnot. But, even during the counseling my main priority was getting her to give me the freedom to go out with my friends� otherwise I would spite her. She agreed and just a few weeks after starting counseling, she caught me trying to get a girl to meet me out with some friends. We got past that and continued to go to counseling. Things got better, I made changes for the better, and our relationship was good for a while.

Over time, I have regressed back into that guy who makes inappropriate comments about girls and talks about marriage like its stupid. I see a therapist regularly and when talking about my problems she tells me how "un-natural" marriage is as human beings. My wife and I wen on a trip out of the country together on what most would say is a romantic place. We didn't have a great trip though. The whole time I was looking at other women, wondering what life could have been like. I even flirted with a bartender while in the same bar as my wife. My wife found out and we fought about it. My wife said "you shouldn't be married."

Since the trip, a couple months ago, our marriage has been shaky. We have talked about my issues a lot and things have come to the point where I need to decide what I want. I begged her to let me go on a bachelor party for once of my friends and she did. While away I did nothing to prove that I was worthy. Quite the opposite actually. I was like a man on the prowl. Talking to girls, flirting, etc. And I really liked it. I love beautiful woman and I love the chase.

Last week my wife and I had a week vacation with her family. Things did not go well. We talked, she said she felt like she had lost me and that we were done. She told her Mom about our issues and that I cheated on her. Her Mom put me on the spot in from of everyone and then we left and came home. Since then, my wife has told me to make a decision as to what I want. She has said we are done, but then I give her some hope and she stays. I have set up appointments with the marriage counselor, so that I can speak to him and work out my issues. But I don't know what I want.

Here's the deal. The notion of being single again excites me. Like I said, I love beautiful woman and I love the chase. I fantasize about a life with many different sexual partner, wining and dining, and making up for lost time. Unfortunately, I filled with resentment. I always say that if I had lived my 20's single, I would probably know how good I have it now. But now I make a lot of money, could travel, could have a good time. However, my wife and I are not from the same area. If we get divorced, she will leave and move far away. I can't be without my daughter. I love my daughter more than anything. She is the sweetest girl in the world. I can't stand the idea of breaking her little heart. And I don't know how a divorce and long distance relationship would affect my relationship with my daughter. I don't want to change her personality. The thought of losing her is much more devastating than losing my wife. Even though my wife loves me, knows all my flaws (OCD, Anxiety, etc.). I was hospitalized for mental issues for a week or two� she stood by me then as well. But again, I am filled with resentment. I resent that I didn't live the young professional single life. I think I would have loved it.

There were so many times in the past that I could have broken it off and it would have been easy. Now we have a big house, a beautiful child, jobs, responsibilities etc.

I feel like the only reason I am still married is because I am scared. I am scared of making a mistake. I am scared of losing my daughter. I am scared of being lonely. I am scared of hurting my wife and would feel really bad hurting her. But should I stay in a marriage, given my tendencies of flirting and cheating. My wife has asked me straight up, "can you commit to me forever and have sex with only me for the rest of your life?" And I can't answer. I don't know. I have even said to myself "make everything right at home and do what you gotta do on the road." Meaning be responsible at home, but when away for business flirt, cheat, etc. I also brought up an open-marriage, but she believes in the sanctity of marriage and would never do it. I also would not want her to be open on her side� I know I am selfish. I admit it. So maybe I shouldn't be married. Maybe I should let her free before I hurt her more. Or should I get my act together and try to be faithful. This is how my mind works.

I am putting her through hell by not making a decision. She keeps hoping that I come to my senses and realize what I have. My emotions and thoughts have been all across the board. Fantasizing about the single life, then thinking about my daughter, then thinking about making a mistake, etc. etc. etc. Again, I am OCD and this makes it a lot worse.

Please help. I need to know what I should do.

Welcome to MB! I have hope you will find the clarity you are looking for here. It's natural to feel on the fence when you and your wife aren't in love with one another. We can help you put together a plan to help you and your wife fall in love with one another again, and once you've built those habits into your life, I think you'll find it a delight to be with one woman the rest of your life. And if we're wrong, at least you can hold your head high knowing you gave it the best you have.

Take a look, please tell me what you think. Fear of Marriage

Read this. Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

Can you become a buyer?

This jumps out at me.

We had the same IQ: Yes.
- We are both are pretty smart and take our jobs seriously.

We had the same energy level: Yes.
- She has always had more energy until recently. We are now both avid crossfiters and I am a health nut. My energy is up to her level now.

The same social interest: Some.
- She likes to go out and drink beer. Once she starts, its hard to get her to leave the bar. I only like to go out with my buddies and like to talk to girls, flirt, cross the boundaries that marriage creates. We both love crossfit. I golf and she doesn't. We don't like the same movies. She is not much into food other than steak and potatoes. I like all kinds of food. She has no interest to travel to far places, like Africa or Australia. She not very adventurous. I like to see cool things, animals, etc. We both enjoy just hanging out around the pool. She only likes stupid, funny shows. I like all types of shows, Dramas, Comedies, Documentaries, etc.

The same moral values: No.

She was raised catholic and believes what she has learned along the way. I was raised Jewish, then went to catholic school, and don't really have a faith or religion. I agreed to raise our child catholic because she feels strongly about it. I only go to Church with her on special occasions. If it wasn't for her and my daughter, I wouldn't go at all.

The same cultural background: ?? I guess.

- We both come from successful families. We both went to private school. We did not grow up in the same area.

I am clearly a Renter.

This jumps out at me.

We had the same IQ: Yes.
- We are both are pretty smart and take our jobs seriously.

We had the same energy level: Yes.
- She has always had more energy until recently. We are now both avid crossfiters and I am a health nut. My energy is up to her level now.

The same social interest: Some.
- She likes to go out and drink beer. Once she starts, its hard to get her to leave the bar. I only like to go out with my buddies and like to talk to girls, flirt, cross the boundaries that marriage creates. We both love crossfit. I golf and she doesn't. We don't like the same movies. She is not much into food other than steak and potatoes. I like all kinds of food. She has no interest to travel to far places, like Africa or Australia. She not very adventurous. I like to see cool things, animals, etc. We both enjoy just hanging out around the pool. She only likes stupid, funny shows. I like all types of shows, Dramas, Comedies, Documentaries, etc.

The same moral values: No.

She was raised catholic and believes what she has learned along the way. I was raised Jewish, then went to catholic school, and don't really have a faith or religion. I agreed to raise our child catholic because she feels strongly about it. I only go to Church with her on special occasions. If it wasn't for her and my daughter, I wouldn't go at all.

The same cultural background: ?? I guess.

- We both come from successful families. We both went to private school. We did not grow up in the same area.
_________________________
Regards,

Good Dad, Bad Husband

A good father doesn't cheat on their child's mother.

You are betraying your child every time you do cheat. You are also making a statement that females don't deserve fidelity from their men.

So if you can't become a buyer then why don't you stop hurting her and divorce her? Why keep stringing her along? Why keep cheating and destroying her?

What a horrible example for your daughter. You say you love your daughter more than anything? Then divorce her mom.

BadHusband, I would like to speak to your wife, because I see her as the biggest problem in this marriage. It is crystal clear that you are not marriage material and the best thing for her is to get out of this marriage. You are wrecking her life and setting a pisspoor example for your little daughter so they would be better off without you. I agree that you need to be free so you can continue your playah lifestyle without hurting others.

Will she some here and talk to us?

My hope is that she comes to her senses and realizes what she has: a serial cheater and a playah.

Nope.

You like being both married AND single. You like getting your needs met by lots of different people. You like the thrill of getting the attention of a woman who doesn't care that you are married.

Why? Because it feels good. And because you put your own needs and desires before that of your child and wife.

You are not marriage material. Let your wife move on and don't get married again.

Will your wife come here and post?

And stay away from other married women.

This is the truth.
You identify as a "good dad" but in fact you aren't.
Years from now, when you are an old man in a nursing home nearing the end, you may look back and regret the poor decisions you make for your family. Or, you may not. You may just blame others for the fact that you sit there alone with no one to visit or care for you.

Seriously?

Divorce your wife and let her get out of marital hell. Divorce would be the most decent and loving thing you could do for her instead of wasting her life and sucking the joy out of it. OCD, anxiety....whatever excuse you want to make, the bottom line is you are a coward and that is why you don't make a decision.

You are not a good dad either. But if you love your daughter as you claim, don't destroy her mother. That is cruel to your child as well and she may hate you for it too. Set your wife free.

It might be in her best interest to be very far away from you. You are an immoral role model who will only serve to confuse her morally. The worst kind of parent is a corrupt parent who can't teach her right from wrong.

It is crucial to your wife that she get rid of you. You are dangerous to her mental health.

My own father was much like you: a profoundly corrupt man. It took me years of counseling and personal research to undo the damage he did. I had to learn right and wrong all on my own because he made me so morally confused. He taught me "whatever feels good, do it" a life wrecking philosophy.. Fortunately, I was able to overcome that inanity with my own intelligence. He was married and divorced 8 times and died broke and alone because he had alienated so many people throughout his life. He was playah.

What is love to you?

Are you aware that little girls learn all about how to have a relationship with men from their first relationship with their own father? (do as I say and not as I do doesn't work here)

Are you loving your daughter by teaching her that when she is older, she will need to learn to be just a "commodity" for her man?

Are you wanting your little girl to grow up so that she can be a betrayed wife?

You already did "break her little heart". She just (perhaps) doesn't realize it yet. Once she does, she is going to have a long hard road learning how to set the bar very very high for herself. I hope that you DO have a very high power job, and that you are very very wealthy, because years and years of counseling won't come cheap. And I sure hope that you "love" her enough to pay for that counseling when the time comes.