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#2814941 08/14/14 02:06 PM
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Redbud Offline OP
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My wife and I have been married for 43 years. I am 68 and she is 71. About 10 years ago she struck up a friendship with a coworker. He was fired a few years later, but the friendship has continued. It has been an annoyance to me, but I have tolerated it because it seemed unreasonable not to. BTW he is 30 years younger than she is.

On June 21 I happened to see the following text exchange. The OM works part time for a small FM station. My wife was listening in the car while he played a ZZ Top song.

WS - "Good song".
OM - "Yes".
WS- "Us girls like the sharp dressed man".
OM - "Us boys like to get some tush".

I thought that this was over the line and (not having seen MB yet) I had an angry outburst. I demanded that the friendship end. She agreed to this but made no secret of the fact that she was agreeing only under duress. She sent him an email advising that there would be no more lunches, and ended by saying "I will still see you at meetings and at social events. You will always be my very good friend."
Love,
WS

I learned a few days later that there actually is a ZZ Top song about going to town to get some tush. This made me think that perhaps the whole thing was an innocent exchange so I relented and even sent the OM an email apology letting him know that I had had second thoughts. He replied that it had been was unfair for me to take away his good friend and that he was insulted that I would think that he would do such a thing. He sent an email to my wife saying as much to which she replied, "I feel the same way.
Nothing will ever change how I feel about you."

So the tone of this is really starting to bother me.

A couple more emails were sent with her saying, "I miss our friendship. I am very sad." and "I just can't get past this. His actions have really driven a wedge between he and I. I miss our talks and I miss you. I am very sad."

He was saying that he was not going to see her any more and she was trying to get him back because I had relented ( she said). By the time she sent the last email ( the most disturbing of all ) I had found MB and I withdrew my approval of the relationship. I also think that I was allowed to see these emails, because there seems to be others that are missing.

Obviously she has strong feelings for this guy. There is other circumstantial evidence but nothing that would convict one way or the other.

My wife says that she has stopped seeing him. She also says she loves me and that she does not want a divorce. Well that is probably true, but because of her obvious feelings for this guy I am starting on a snoop mission.

I have a VAR and a GPS coming shortly. I would like to install software on her phone but am hesitating because the phone belongs to her employer and it is illegal. However my priority is to save my marriage, so I might still do it.


Any suggestions, moral support, etc is appreciated.


Redbud
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Welcome to MB and sorry for the pain you're in.

I commend you for already starting to follow the plan to recover your marriage.

You do need to get to the bottom of this and she needs to end the relationship now. Will she send a NC Letter that you approve and send?

I do think her relationship was much more than what she's trying to play. If there was innocent emails why would she not let you see them?

Is he married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also you may need to think about moving. If she sees him "around town" then they can see each other often.

Do you know how to control your anger so you don't have anymore AOs?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you read these?
SAA-Start Here First-Welcome


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brain hurts,

No, he is not married. He seems to be unable to establish a normal relationship with a woman. He is either a beta orbiter, or a hard core player, not sure which.

As for AO I am aware of the negative effects. I believe I will be more in control from now on. I did buy a galvanic feedback machine, but so far haven't used it.

Yes I did read the "start here first" threads. I've got to say that I've been trying to be a good husband for many years now. I always try to make her happy and I think for the most part that has worked pretty well. She seems happy and content, except for not wanting to let go of this guy. I don't quite get it.


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Originally Posted by Redbud
Brain hurts,

No, he is not married. He seems to be unable to establish a normal relationship with a woman. He is either a beta orbiter, or a hard core player, not sure which.

As for AO I am aware of the negative effects. I believe I will be more in control from now on. I did buy a galvanic feedback machine, but so far haven't used it.

Yes I did read the "start here first" threads. I've got to say that I've been trying to be a good husband for many years now. I always try to make her happy and I think for the most part that has worked pretty well. She seems happy and content, except for not wanting to let go of this guy. I don't quite get it.
Sir I really have to applaud you about how you've jumped in full force. Good job on the galvanic feedback machine.

Remember the affair is 100% her fault. She has poor boundaries and having opposite sex friendships. Dr. Harley will tell you that is a formula for an affair.

How much UA (undivided attention) do you get?

Also about her work phone and spyware. Are you sure it's illegal?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brain hurts, about the NC letter. I would have to ask her. She did initially, but ended the email with "you will always be my very good friend, love WS". Since then she has been telling him that she misses him and how sad she is. There are other loose ends. She will almost certainly see him around town. Her job puts her into a lot of community meetings. He is still in her contacts data base, and still her friend on Facebook. He has a little part time job as a PR guy for a local restaurant. She is in this place a lot.

I am thinking that I should let this alone right now, let her be lulled into complacency and see what the snooping turns up or should I ask her to clean this stuff up? She is not going to be willing to quit her job, or move. We have family here.


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Originally Posted by Redbud
Brain hurts, about the NC letter. I would have to ask her. She did initially, but ended the email with "you will always be my very good friend, love WS". Since then she has been telling him that she misses him and how sad she is. There are other loose ends. She will almost certainly see him around town. Her job puts her into a lot of community meetings. He is still in her contacts data base, and still her friend on Facebook. He has a little part time job as a PR guy for a local restaurant. She is in this place a lot.

I am thinking that I should let this alone right now, let her be lulled into complacency and see what the snooping turns up or should I ask her to clean this stuff up? She is not going to be willing to quit her job, or move. We have family here.
I agree that you need to get the evidence of an affair and then you can expose it.

Continue to be the best husband and check your Intel.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Redbud Offline OP
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As for undivided attention. Well she isn't too interested I don't think. She will never offer it, but she will spend time with me if I press for it. She ranks recreational companionship as her #2 EN which took me a bit by surprise.

As for boundaries, she loves people, loves to socialize, is very well liked, was flirty when she was younger, and will touch people when she talks to them. She also doesn't seem to draw the line with men if they get too forward. She claims it'll hurt their feelings.

As for the work phone, I read the law. It seems a little vague to me. I'm not sure I understand it. So no, I'm not 100% sure it's illegal.


Redbud
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Originally Posted by Redbud
My wife and I have been married for 43 years. I am 68 and she is 71. About 10 years ago she struck up a friendship with a coworker. He was fired a few years later, but the friendship has continued. It has been an annoyance to me, but I have tolerated it because it seemed unreasonable not to. BTW he is 30 years younger than she is.

On June 21 I happened to see the following text exchange. The OM works part time for a small FM station. My wife was listening in the car while he played a ZZ Top song.

WS - "Good song".
OM - "Yes".
WS- "Us girls like the sharp dressed man".
OM - "Us boys like to get some tush".

I thought that this was over the line and (not having seen MB yet) I had an angry outburst. I demanded that the friendship end. She agreed to this but made no secret of the fact that she was agreeing only under duress. She sent him an email advising that there would be no more lunches, and ended by saying "I will still see you at meetings and at social events. You will always be my very good friend."
Love,
WS

I learned a few days later that there actually is a ZZ Top song about going to town to get some tush. This made me think that perhaps the whole thing was an innocent exchange so I relented and even sent the OM an email apology letting him know that I had had second thoughts. He replied that it had been was unfair for me to take away his good friend and that he was insulted that I would think that he would do such a thing. He sent an email to my wife saying as much to which she replied, "I feel the same way.
Nothing will ever change how I feel about you."

So the tone of this is really starting to bother me.

A couple more emails were sent with her saying, "I miss our friendship. I am very sad." and "I just can't get past this. His actions have really driven a wedge between he and I. I miss our talks and I miss you. I am very sad."

He was saying that he was not going to see her any more and she was trying to get him back because I had relented ( she said). By the time she sent the last email ( the most disturbing of all ) I had found MB and I withdrew my approval of the relationship. I also think that I was allowed to see these emails, because there seems to be others that are missing.

Obviously she has strong feelings for this guy. There is other circumstantial evidence but nothing that would convict one way or the other.

My wife says that she has stopped seeing him. She also says she loves me and that she does not want a divorce. Well that is probably true, but because of her obvious feelings for this guy I am starting on a snoop mission.

I have a VAR and a GPS coming shortly. I would like to install software on her phone but am hesitating because the phone belongs to her employer and it is illegal. However my priority is to save my marriage, so I might still do it.


Any suggestions, moral support, etc is appreciated.


Get the intel going and gain evidence of the affair and prepare for exposure.
In the meantime, be in Plan A - meet her needs and avoid arguments with her.

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RedBud,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry you have the need to be here but you have found a great place to help solve your problems and rebuild your marriage.

You're doing a very good job, so far, RedBud. Good going on getting started on gathering the necessary info. Be SURE to document! Copy those texts and emails and keep them in a safe place. And phone records. As far as her cell,,, would it be possible for you to buy her a new one. Her own? One with all the bells & whistles ( and a spyware program loaded on it prior to giving it to her)? And then wouldn't it be a shame if her work one got broken? Or fell in the toilet or accidently stepped on? She'd have to use her own phone, wouldn't she? By the time the company replaced theirs, she'd be used to using her own.


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Nerly,
As it happens I have purchased a phone identical to the one she has. I would like to preload it with the tracker and all her data and then swap the two phones. This means having access to her phone for some period of time. Not sure yet how I will pull this off. Also technical problems will have to be overcome.



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Originally Posted by Redbud
Nerly,
As it happens I have purchased a phone identical to the one she has. I would like to preload it with the tracker and all her data and then swap the two phones. This means having access to her phone for some period of time. Not sure yet how I will pull this off. Also technical problems will have to be overcome.
Can you get to it when she's sleeping?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes I can get it while she sleeps. Her phone is tied into the computer system at work. They backup her data, emails, contacts, etc.....and they are tracking the phone. They have the tracking protected with a password, so I can't see it. I am trying to figure out how to get around all this. Being able to see her texts, where she is, and hear her calls, would be the answer. Just not sure how to do it transparently.


Redbud
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Good it sounds like your being smart about it.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Redbud Offline OP
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I am going to ask on the investigate forum and see what others might know about this.


Redbud
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So are you going to put spyware on?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.




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