OK,
I listened to the program and I relate to your situation. It was interesting what Dr Harley said about a personality disorder, obsessiveness blocking you from meeting your husbands emotional needs. I can say I've been up against the same thing ne way or another.

My husband also has a lot of self interest around exercise. I appreciate your reluctance to work out your husband under your own set of circumstances. The OCD in this area causes a lack of equality. So if you are exercising with him he'll tend to 'help' you and it quickly becomes un-fun and even a love buster of for you.

We have been 'trying' a variety of activities, even physical activities that don't trigger my husbands obsessive nature. stuff.

Still, I'm having lots of trouble meeting my husbands needs. Seems to be a long black hole.

graceful2b, I'm sorry to hear that your circumstances mirror mine. It isn't easy being married to a perfectionist. I like your idea of physical activities that don't trigger obsessiveness. Although, that is difficult to come up with. I think it would have to be something that cannot be "perfected." Running can always be faster, tennis can always get better. I do love dancing, but he has no rhythm and doesn't enjoy that. I also love taking long leisurely walks. Perhaps he would agree to that one. BTW, I hope your long black hole has a bottom soon.

Thanks OK. Its not easy to figure out activities that do not trigger the need to perfect "the art of..." or the element of becoming "the expert in."

We rented a tandem bike and both enjoyed this activity. This meant he did not get ahead while biking, our having difficulty talking/hearing one another as compared when biking individually, enjoy nature together, but most of all he could not get ahead and leave me behind. This lead us to purchase a used tandem this past weekend. He does most of the work and get exercise, I can enjoy the ride of help as much as I want really. Some couples do not like tandem biking for a host of reasons too.

Archery. I enjoyed it at first. But he got obsessed. Really got into the technical aspect. Started watching videos, buying stuff on an on. When he gets obsessed like that he has a hard time making the activity a well rounded UA date w/affection, IC, and SF. He'll want to correct me or ignore me completely and its more a parallel thing while I wait for him to accomplish what he is driving for. He does not do this intentionally or with ill will.

Anyway, I get it. Anything can trigger the obsessive tendency and then its all over. Its all about RC activities your husband is not all that into. This seems counterintuitive here. It would seem if we join in activities our husbands love and feel passion towards, we'd bridge the issue and our husbands would equate the activity to passion towards us as we work along side them. Unfortunately this equates to the black hole. The obsession means you'll be ignored while they continue their own quest or you will be managed under their ideals. And you can be subject to comparing. Its a vacuum.

I appreciate Dr Harley's notion of finding RA you both like. I'm not sure its always clear how difficult this is with a perfectionist when their perfectionism becomes their world. I wish there was more help because its lonely and there is little validation for the efforts to meet the needs.

What did you think of Dr. Harley's advice?

Here's your show. What did you think?
Radio Clip of Okiegal's Show

Well, I thought Dr. Harley nailed the problem exactly. Unfortunately, my husband did not appreciate that advice at all. He doesn't see a need to get help. He did fill out the Emotional Needs Questionaire and Recreational Enjoyment Inventory, however. I found out that he doesn't just want me to get thinner. He actually wants an athletic spouse. This fantasy woman does everything I already do, with the addition of being an athletic dream who will keep up with him in his exercises and have the body to prove it. I admit that woman sounds amazing. What man wouldn't want that? Unfortunately, I have never enjoyed exercising. This "other woman" is nothing like me. I wish I could just flip a switch and become her. I will continue trying because I do love him and divorce is not an option, but I do have to say that at the moment...I feel alone and hopeless. I hope any perfectionist male who reads this thread will try hard to feel empathy towards his wife. She needs you to value her as a separate person, not as an object attached to himself who needs fixing and molding in order to fit his idea of perfection.

But keep in mind that you must meet his needs in a way that makes you happy too. Just because he says he wants/needs something doesn't mean he is going to get it. You will just have to find another way to meet his needs. This is not just about what he wants, but about what YOU want. There are many different ways to skin a cat.

Would he agree to speak to Dr. Harley?

No, he is not willing to speak with Dr. Harley. He says I "already poisoned the well." I do understand. My original statement is pretty harsh and does place him in a bad light. Anyway, we are going to try other activities we both seemed to like on the questionnaire. Despite his doubt that he will ever find me attractive unless I become this fantasy of his, I will continue to be hopeful that spending time doing these activities with him will make up the needed difference in how he feels toward me.

How very upsetting it must be to be told by your husband that he doesn't find you attractive. I cannot even imagine. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you MelodyLane. It's nice that other men look at me when I go out because at least I am reminded that I'm not unattractive. However, the one man I want to look at me that way...doesn't.

I would encourage you to set a time limit for yourself. I was married to someone like that and wound up on anti-depressants as a way to cope with the hopelessness and despair. Sometimes our optimism "I can hang in there, I can do this" in the face of soul-crushing circumstances puts mental health in danger.

Being a Buyer in this situation means you're going to really have to up what you expect from your H. Lots of fun, light UA, and FC, to keep you hanging in there for this period of time, so you don't start to hate him and become repulsed by him. His behavior is the opposite of attractive and it will take massive LB deposits on his behalf to keep from falling out of love with him, if you haven't already.

NewEveryDay, thank you for the advice. I really hope we can pull through this as we both lived through our mothers' divorces as young children and have tried hard to never let that be an option for us. You are right in that the marriage is definitely taking its toll on me. I keep hoping I'll eventually "measure up," but the truth is that I'll never be a redhead, no matter how many times I color my hair and I will always have little imperfections on my body that I'm sure he will see as areas I should "work on." I'm sorry to hear you went through so much pain in your marriage. I hope you are healing now that you are out of that situation.

I am healing now, but it's so sad to me that his perfectionism has turned on our daughters now that they are older. He tells our OD that because she is "heavy," the only guys in college who would like her would be the ones who like her personality, even though she is also a stunningly beautiful young woman. And he tells our YD, who is at the 25% percentile for weight, the highest of her life, that she is no longer skinny and is now regular, which she takes to mean that he thinks she is fat.

Your H has been so blessed, with his health, a loving wife, and 3 kids, what a sad thing that he doesn't see it today. I am hoping that your UA journey together brings your DH happiness and healing so he doesn't harm your kids with these messages.

Okiegal,

Is your H OCD?

BrainHurts, his mother has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. So, I see the real thing when we spend time with her. She's a compulsive checker. To actually have the disorder, you need to feel the need to complete a compulsion or some unrelated event could occur. He does not have this. Is he a perfectionist? Yes. Is he anal retentive? Yes. I mean, what good accountant isn't? But, as far as actual OCD, no I don't think he has it.

Okay thanks for letting me know.

What did he say about your red hair? Does he at least like that?

I wouldn't feel right about this thread if I neglected to mention that if he can tell I'm in the process of losing weight, his entire attitude towards me changes. He treats me like a queen. He shows me all kinds of attention and loves on me. It's only when I stop losing weight that the attention stops as well and he becomes depressed that I may never reach his goal.

Yes, he does like my red hair. I go every 5 weeks to have it dyed the exact color of red he wants. I was going to one lady who he decided didn't do it right, so I had to change. When they color it correctly, he LOVES my red hair.

Goodness Okiegal. Have you read any of Patricia Evans books? She writes about verbal abuse and controlling spouse behavior issues. This is not to go against MB, but Dr Harley did mention having a personality disorder and even though he is not OCD he is sure controlling.

I'll have to look into Patricia Evans books. He is really only controlling in this one area. He does not care where I go or who I'm with or how long I'm gone. He does not order me about or tell me how I should do things. It is really only in the area of my looks. Yes, it's still controlling, but I didn't want anyone thinking he is like this in all areas.