My issue is that I do not know how to broach the subject, especially with our relationship as fragile as it is.

I want to tell her that I did not like it when she was angry about the cable being out, but if history repeats she will make a DJ about how I should just let her vent.

However, if I let it go, which I feel like is the least likely to cause conflict, that it will continue every time something doesn't go right. Then I will eventually become resentful.

The cable being out bothers her. It is perfectly okay that it bothers her. She wants to talk to YOU about it, because YOU are her husband. Most women want and need to talk to their husbands about the problems they are facing throughout the day, and how it makes them feel -- this is part of the Openness and Honesty emotional need.

Don't judge her for being upset about it. Here is an opportunity for you to make some lovebank deposits. Listen to her problem. Empathize. Negotiate a way to solve it that you are enthusiastic about -- if you don't want to call to get a reimbursement, then don't, but offer some solutions that you ARE enthusiastic about.

Do all this calmly, without judgement.

So the point I don't understand is how am I not allowed to get angry, but she can?

Oh, she's not allowed to have an angry outburst, either. But you telling her that is not going to get you very far. If she were here, I'd be talking to her about her anger. YOU can't lecture her on her anger, though, because it would be a lovebuster. And she WOULD get angry at you, then.

What you can do is lead by example. Listen through her anger to her complaint, and address her complaint. She's frustrated. Help her solve her problem and let her know you're on HER side looking out for HER.

She is probably going to continue to feel frustrated and angry until she feels like she has a partner who is helping her solve this problem, and others like it.

At a later time, when you are no longer in the heat of the moment and her problem has been solved, you can send her a note that says something along the lines of "It bothers me when you yell when you are frustrated." And leave it at that. Do not tell her how wrong she is, or mean, just leave it up to her to stop the behavior. Do not discuss it further unless it continues to be a problem.

Thanks for the advice. I came home and made a call to figure it out, and they were still working. They called us after we left on our date to say it was done. When we got home she checked it and it wasn't working, so I got right on the phone and resolved it, instead of putting it off.

I had a great time on my date with her, and she said she had fun too. After we got home and figured out the cable thing we sat outside and talked for another hour or so.

No SF last night, but I am hesitant to initiate. In the past I would try to initiate, and if the answer was no, I would keep asking until she either gave in or got angry, then I would give her the cold shoulder. A couple years ago when I found MB I realized how this could be creating an aversion, so I stopped doing that. However, if I initiate SF and she says no, I usually just say ok no problem and carry on. But then I usually get some comment from her like "guess you are gonna be mad now". I have now gotten to the point where I don't want to try anymore, and just hold out for her to initiate, so I avoid the comments.

1995, have you ever heard the saying "sex starts in the kitchen"?

It is under your control to be flirting with and romancing her all evening so she is hungry for it by the time you go to bed.

You may not be at this extent, but I used to hate it when my STBX wouldn't extend any affection or flirtations during our awake time - i.e. prime the pump - and then just initiate SF out of the blue in bed.

It's OK once in a while, but after years of this I just felt used and not worth his effort to show affection or care unless he wanted sex. Eventually, since I only received his touch if he wanted sex, I began to resent his touch -it meant he wanted something but was unwilling to give anything (affection).

Do you think you could be more flirtatious, affectionately loving and romantic (without any references to sex) throughout the evening?

Her and I are very affectionate to each other. It is rather common that we will kiss, hug, cuddle. I give her leg, foot and back rubs every day, and nearly every time we sit on the couch together. She will be flirtatious back, but when I try to initiate SF she is not in the mood. Or she gives in, but her body language does not project enthusiasm.

For the first 2 years of marriage she was very fun and spontaneous, but that has faded, and I am sure a lot of it has to do with our other relationship issues. I keep telling myself that if I am patient and fix the other stuff this will come back, but it is a high need for me and the decline in SF has caused some resentment over the past few years.

Sex problems usually resolve themselves after the rest of the relationship is put on track.

Well, a huge challenge with coming back from an anger problem (especially if it has been admitted to/apologized for many times) is it will take time for her to believe the new you is authentic and the anger won't show up again.

My husband had repented of his anger so many times (and then soon went back to being angry) that I finally could not believe anything he said about himself. There is no guarantee he could make that was safe to believe.

It would have probably taken at least a year of him not being angry for me to trust him with any part of my heart again.

In your thread, your AOs and DJs do keep showing up way too often even though they are less frequent than before.

Anger has many forms; it's not just yelling. It's also sarcasm or anything meant to be hurtful to or despising of the other person. Are you sure you have eliminated all of these forms of anger as well?

You may not think your action "should" be hurtful, and you may think you are not being angry or that you mean well, but she may receive your words or actions as hurtful.

My STBX husband believed that if he wasn't openly insulting, saying things in an angry raised tone or threatening to leave me that he wasn't being angry and I was just being sensitive.

There are a lot of other ways to be hurtful than raising your voice or insulting. Are you sure you have eliminated all of these? More importantly, would she agree that you have?

I am going one day at a time. I am very conscious of my DJs and sarcasm, and putting a lot of effort into eliminating them. Goal is for complete elimination.

Good for you on the effort.

I'd still urge you to look at them through the perspective of whether your wife feels they are eliminated. You could be working really hard, but producing a change that is not exactly the change that would resonate with her. Very important to make sure you are pulling in THE direction that resonates with her.

Her perception is her reality.

I know this is likely not the case with you, but just as an example my STBX thought if he said the same things but without a raised tone he wasn't being angry. He said many times how much he has changed and how much effort he makes. Well, his change didn't really mean anything to me because he was still insulting me and threatening to leave me, just in a nicer tone of voice.

Do you have anything like this going on, where you have made the change but it isn't the change SHE needed?

I hear criticism about the tone of voice I use sometimes, even though I mean nothing by it. That one is one of the tougher ones to take on, because I do now know what about my voice is causing her to be upset. I am trying to say things more pleasantly or making sure I am not angry when talking, as that's all I can think about to avoid it.

I am struggling with the ability to take disrespect from my wife and act like it is perfectly acceptable. Saturday we were out with the kids all day, and got home with the plan that we were going to sit and work on our homework. My wife was getting angry at the kids for several reasons that I completely understand. We walk in the house and I picked a few things up/put stuff away as it is a LB for me to leave my mess around. I sent the kids outside to play, then noticed that my wife had disappeared. I go around the house, and find her upstairs laying in bed watching TV. I told her I didn't know she was planning on watching TV upstairs. She tells me that she thought I would follow her upstairs. I told her I would like it if she told me when she is planning to go upstairs to watch TV, and she just shrugged. However, I get yelled at all the time if I go to a different room inside the house without telling her.

This morning, I needed to make a call about a medical bill. We talked about it yesterday, and I asked her to email me the phone number and page I was calling about, which she did. I then created an appointment in my calendar for 9:00 to make the call. At 8:15 she sends me a message to make the call. I say yes I plan to call at 9. She then tells me not to forget.

When she treats me like that I feel like she is talking down to me, like I am a child that is not capable of remembering to do things. I understand that I have had issues with remembering things in the past, but I have utilized tools at my disposal to make notes so I can remember these things.

I calmed myself for a min, then just responded that I set a reminder in my calendar so I do not forget, which was not disrespectful, but does not address her comment.

I am really working at this Plan A, but I feel like I can only do so much when she is still disrespectful, angry, and not meeting my top EN.

When I got home yesterday my wife seemed angry. She was fed up with the kids, and seemed very unpleasant to me. I remained nice and pleasant, and did not make any comments about how she made me feel. Eventually she became more pleasant, so I guess my plan worked. But it didn't make me happy.

We went to sleep very nice last night, cuddling.

This morning we were texting and she just didn't seem very happy. I asked her how she was doing and she just said Ok. So I said "just ok? I guess I need to make that wonderful" and her response was "yep just ok, sure try your best"

Her response made me feel like I am destined to fail.

What did I tell you to do when she does something that bothers you?

I would have been devastated if my husband said "Just OK? I guess I need to make that wonderful" to me.

Who said you need to act like it is perfectly acceptable?


There's quite a bit you're NOT doing. Don't blame it on your wife.

I feel like if I make any comment to how she is making me feel that she automatically gets defensive and makes judgments or tells me how I did something like that in 2011 and so its ok. If I leave it alone then I am unhappy


There's quite a bit you're NOT doing. Don't blame it on your wife. [/quote]

What am I not doing that I can improve on?

Well our relationship has been continuing along positively. I have said some things that she did not like, and had some actions that she did not care for. She has been good at letting me know she didn't like it, and I have addressed it without trying to explain my side, why I think I am right, or in any way placing the blame on her. I find myself wanting to, so I know I have not totally changed the habit, but I am at least thinking before I speak.

Last night she made dinner, and the pasta noodles were undercooked and very hard. She had already dumped all the sauce on them, so there was no going back. The rest of the meal was excellent, but the noodles almost ruined it for me. When she asked how it was, I said I loved the sauce and chicken, but the noodles were undercooked. She apologized, and said she didn't want them overcooked.

For some reason, I felt like I needed to keep going. Like I needed to tell her that the noodles sucked 13 different times, and then make some obvious gesture to her to truly show my displeasure. I asked if there was any sauce left, and she said yes, we can toss these in the sauce on the stove and see if it cooks more. I agreed and kept my mouth shut.

I feel guilty that I was so upset by this. She obviously spent a lot of time making sauce from scratch and making a really nice dinner for me, and I wanted to focus on the one thing that was not up to my standard. I do not know how to suppress that.


I did get some praise from her yesterday however. I go to the gym 3 days a week and run 2-3 times per week on alternating days. I used to be overly hardcore about my running, and would ask to go even when it was unreasonable, and she clearly resented it. I have gotten better where if there is something more important I will skip my gym day or run and I don't feel bad about it.

Lately she has been running 5 times a week herself, and yesterday since we had both kids she told me she would run when I got home. I planned on going to the gym, but didn't want to disrupt her running plans. So I asked if she wanted me to wait until 7:00 when the leisure pool opens up and we can go as a family and let the kids swim while I work out. She liked that idea, and so we all were happy, and my wife and I got to sit in the hot tub for a few minutes as well She thanked me for waiting and asking her what she thought.

One other thing happened last night:

We got home from the gym, and she was complaining about my daughter not cleaning up after herself. She made a comment that I don't clean up after myself either. I have been making a very conscious effort to clean up my messes, as well as ones she or the kids make too.

I told her that I thought I was doing a good job of cleaning up lately. I asked if I needed to improve on anything. She paused for a min, then said "well how long is it going to last?" Before I answered, she said "Oh yea, until we have SF for the first time."

I did not respond, because my track record has shown that whenever we have a big falling out where she threatens to leave that I change for the better, but it is always short-term. She tells me all the time that I am nice until I get what I want, then I am an a-hole the next day. And without fail, we fight within 2 days...

It just hurt my feelings, and took the wind out of my sails that her increased affection toward me would lead to something more anytime soon.