The Story:
My 2nd marriage. First wife was a serial cheater. I came into this marriage really wanting to do it right, but not realizing that I was carrying lots of baggage from the first one. Troubles began when on a double date (prior to marriage)my then fiancee disappeared for about 30 min. Other woman in our group went to look for her and came back saying she was talking to some guy who was hitting on her. She said it was nothing, but the next night the guy calls her. After some discussion she told me she gave him her number. That's when my issues from first marriage began to surface in the form of jealousy. This was a few months from our wedding, and the issue never got resolved. The more I would try to engage her, the more she retreated. Needless to say, the marriage did not start out well. I also had issues with binge drinking occasionally, and would become passive/aggressive during these bouts.
I was nonetheless able to do well professionally and we moved to Twin Cities area in the 5th year of our marriage. We had one infant at the time. In an effort to try to keep this brief as possible, the nutshell version is this:
I had issues with drinking, and unresolved issues from first marriage. She has "daddy" issues that I am certain contribute to her need for male attention. She also has anger issues and even in counselling, would shut down and refuse to participate.
I became suspicious when she invited the OM and his wife to our house and I observed my wife and him exchanging inappropriate gestures a couple of times when they didn't know I could see them. Later that year, I we got a call from the OM's wife wanting to talk to my wife. I overheard my wife's side of the conversation and it was clear that my wife had been to their home and the OM's wife walked in on them. They had only been there a few minutes so the only activity was that they were sitting together on the couch. Of course, a scene ensued and the OM had convinced his wife that she had overreacted and she was calling to apologize to my wife for here "misunderstanding" of the events. A few other incidences like this, and I became convinced of an affair, but could never get my wife to admit.
Now, back to my contributions...I had a one nighter with a woman (actually lasted about 5 min because I became almost ill in the middle of it. I gave into temptation because one of the issues in my marriage was that we had gone without sex for almost a year at that point. Wife found out about that after I confessed to ow's husband. OW then called my wife. This occurred about midway through my wife's affair. Fast forward about a year and my wife decides we need child #2. I remember all during the pregnancy wondering in the back of my mind if it was my child. My passive/aggressive behavior did not improve much during this time, but I knew I needed to work on myself and had begun seeking out faith and was in a Bible study during this time. About six weeks after the birth of #2 child, she kicked me out of the house. I will never forget that night, fearing I had lost my family. I gave myself to Christ that night and set about trying to become a better person. The forced separation only lasted a couple of nights. I became very active in the church and eventually became a lay counselor. I have given my story and testimony in front of thousands of people (part of owning all the bad things I had done)and continued to work on becoming a better human being. I was successful in all other parts of my life, save my marriage. The known/unknown affair continued to haunt me all these years. Mean time, my wife continued to have anger issues. One tactic was to set up what I call fidelity tests with my friends and relatives. She would claim some affront to her by a friend or relative and demand that I take her side. If I did not then she would become angry and not speak to me for days or weeks. She was usually over the top angry at some minor issue, and I spent many years walking the fine line between our kids and her because she would be angry at them for some small offense.
The past five years, things have improved because she sought help for her anger and was prescribed meds. Nonetheless, the affair thing was always there.
Last January, she finally confessed to me that there had been an affair that lasted about a year with this guy. It has been a long road to this point, but I am struggling with the fact that she treated me this way and continued to be angry with me while I was doing everything in my power to improve, all the while harboring this secret. I am resentful that she not only stole that time from us, but the next 20+ years.
How do I deal with that?

Hi CNorm, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The way you get over this is a 2 step process. You first build an affair proof marriage so this can't happen again. I will post the checklist in the next post. The 2nd step is to create a romantic marriage. When you are happy in the present, your mind doesn't tend to go to the past. The program I have outlined is in the book, Surviving an Affair. You can also listen to Dr Harley's free radio show every weekday.

Have you and your wife cut off all contact with this OM? And have you exposed the affair to his wife?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the OP

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Have not exposed to OM's wife. This was 25 years ago and it was just confessed in January this year. My counselor advised it would be vindictive to expose it to the OM's wife. I have been fighting the desire to contact the OM and ask for his side of the story because I had called him during the affair and told him of my suspicions and he denied everything. This was about 4 months into their affair.

CNorm

I would suggest your contact OMW, she like you never got the truth and has been left in doubt all these years. Even if it results in OMW divorcing OM it is not your fault you did state any untruths.

One of the cruel things about affairs is all the witnesses to them who never do the betrayed spouse a favor and tell them.

My W's affair occurred before I married her and has cast a shadow over our marriage ever since. It's always felt for me like she thought I owed her something for staying with me instead of going to OM.

I will say that after I found MB and I changed myself, W changed.

I spoke with OM about a month ago and I have to say it was helpful, I no longer feel the need to put a load of buckshot into his chest.

God Bless
Gamma

It would be cruel to not tell the other spouse. Your counselor is not giving you sound advice. Dr.Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity and he would advise you to tell the other spouse. First off, this is vital information about her life. And secondly, she can't protect her marriage from your wife if she doesn't know. It is not uncommon for affairees to stay in touch over the years.

This woman's need to know supersedes your feelings of "vindictiveness."

She should be told by you without forewarning your wife or the OM.

Do you still drink?

Dealt with the drinking back in 1990. Completely sober since.

Good job.

When will you be calling the OMW? Dr. Harley says that even if affairs were committed in the past that at the very least the spouse should be told.

I think I will be advising the OM's wife soon. I know I wish someone would have told me years ago. To paraphrase Peggy Vaughn, the "knowing but not knowing is crazy making." this has stayed with me all these years and I feel robbed of what could have been if only my wife would have leveled with me.
She and I talked a few times back when this was going on and both had suspicions. I expect she has been wondering, too.

Thanks all for the rapid response. Off camping for a week so may not post for awhile. Appreciate the advice, and it helps to have others to use as soundboards.

Exactly! It is the kind, compassionate thing to do. While it will hurt her, she would rather know than wonder year after year.

I'm so glad you're doing the right thing for this BW. I'm sure you will give her the missing piece to her puzzle. I'm sure she has had a feeling that something was wrong, but couldn't explain it.

You can tell her about MB if she wants some help.

Good job.

You need to tell the OMW right away.

CNorm,

How did your W feel about telling you the truth about her affair, relief, shame etc?

I ask because my W is stonewalling me now on an old affair.

God Bless
Gamma

It wasn't an affair, Gamma. You weren't married, and you knew about the relationship a year before you did marry her.

She is sorry for the pain she has caused from what she says. Most of her actions seem to back that so far.

Did you tell the OM wife?

Will be contacting her next week when I am back home.

Bravo to you, CNorm! It is a hard call to make, but it is the right thing to do. IT is truly best for all concerned.

CNorm,

You wrote, She is sorry for the pain she has caused from what she says. Most of her actions seem to back that so far.

I was asking more specifically how does your WW feel keeping that secret from you made her feel through the years. Did it keep her from feeling love and attraction for you? Did you W ever apologize or give you a complete narrative of what went on?

I ask because my W has said that she never felt the same about me after she fell in love with OM2 and this lasted until I found MB in 2008. I sometimes struggle with understanding why my W stayed with me, and my W does not like to talk about it.

I commend you for telling OMW, not many people step up like you are doing.

God Bless
Gamma