I agree it's odd, but no different from a man keeping the stubb from the last football game his wife attended with him after she told him she refused to attend any more. He didn't make a big deal out of it, I just found it in his drawer. Anyway, at least he knows I'm serious.
And yes, Indiegirl, I hear what you're saying about my taker and focusing on the PoJA. I have never thought of selfishness, or rather having your taker working for you, as anything other than wrong. These are new ideas for me, but I do understand that without any taker at all, a person would freeze and starve. It's a balancing act of making sure needs are met all around the table, but keeping both spouses comfortable with all decisions made.

Hmmm. Not really. It doesn't sound all too normal to me. I have heard of men being attached to a sport. But a hair colour? No not really. The way it has to be so very exact too. Where did he get this picture from?

I have to tell you I would install snooping tools on much less than that. It's extremely alarming to me but I guess it could just be an aspect of his compulsiveness.



Just to humour me - why wasn't it 'right' and how did you find a lady who did it right? Did he find her?



It does become second nature once you start to practice

Indiegirl, he just likes the copper red as opposed to a maroon tint.

And no, he didn't pick the salon. I simply went somewhere else and they understood what I was asking for. He did search the internet for pictures of the hair color he meant and I took them to a salon I found.

Okiegal I have been reading your thread with interest. I too agree that this PA need is VERY specific, way more specific than any I have ever seen on these boards.

Generally it seems that people with a high need for PA tend to like certain 'types,' for instance, I am 5'10 so I prefer tall guys no less than 6'. I also prefer dark hair to blond hair. However, I do not prefer men who are 6'3 with mocha brown hair. (And yes I am married, so I only prefer my husband, I am just trying to think of an example and its late...).

This is such a very specific need, that I too wonder what exact comparison he may have that you don't know about. Since you have mentioned a porn habit in the past, I would most definitely put some spyware in place to rule this or any other comparison out.

You can spin your wheels on trying to meet this PA need, but if there is a contrast effect going on that you are not even aware of, it will be a futile effort.

If its a preference for a type of tint (rather than working towards a very exact picture) it could be his compulsiveness. I'm not a psychologist, I don't know.

I would just caution you that if you ever get the sense he has a picture of a specific woman in his head you need to find out who. I would say that even if he didn't have a past weakness for porn.

You don't need contrast effect or to be ossessive to conclude you don't like maroon though.

Because he did have porn issues in the past, he might very well have a certain girl in his head. He wouldn't need a continuation of the porn habit to have the picture firmly in place in his mind. If that is the case, I can only hope he chooses to replace that fake woman with me, now that he knows I'm done trying to become his "picture perfect wife." I hate porn. I hate that so many boys are forming their ideas of what a woman should be based on a lie. I know my marriage is not the only one sadly effected by this infiltration of young minds.

I did do some snooping on his tablet. There is no history other than today's. So either it doesn't hold a history or is being deleted. I may look into that at key logger thing. He does have a picture of Emma Stone with her red hair braided across her shoulders. Hurtful, but not terrible.

I think its snooping time if he is deleting stuff.

You don't do that with nothing to hide.

Sounds like he is deleting his history daily.

Ugh. Well, does anyone have a suggestion of what site to go through to install a key logger on his tablet? I don't want to break it and don't know which website to trust.

You might want to jump over to the Operation Investigate forum, there is probably much information already available about the best key loggers to use for each device.

False alarm. I did some investigating and his tablet does not hold a history after it is shut down. So, every time you shut it off, the history is deleted. I know porn is not currently an issue, but when I saw a deleted history, I started to worry for no reason. That doesn't mean he wasn't negatively effected by the years he did indulge, however. It just means it isn't ongoing.

This does not prove or disprove anything.
It only proves that the history is automatically deleted.

I do realize that, but I have no reason to suspect anything. He has always been brutally honest with me and every time he has had a backslip with porn over the years, he has confessed upon my questioning him. This is really a non-issue right now. What I need to be focusing on is plan A with my foot firmly down on dyeing my hair and starving myself to look like his fantasy.

This is not Plan A.
Plan A is designed for people involved in affairs. It can be used in some cases to get a spouse on board with falling in love and into the MB program.

But starving yourself is never Plan A. The exception to all of the MB concepts is when health and/ or safety is affected. That always takes priority.

A healthy diet is good; starvation is not.

I think she means putting her foot down about NOT starving herself Jedi.

Okie, it's good news that he is not deliberately deleting history, but I must say this lack of technical transparency still concerns me greatly.

Even if he has not looked at porn in a while, that simply goes to show how long the effects of fantasy have been affecting your marriage.

A) It is devastating to your marriage B) He's had an addiction in the past (which means he always will have) and C) you are about to take the fantasy redhead role away creating temptation for him to 'backslide'. This means another long term fallout and future effects if he does.

Dr H would never advise a woman in any position, much less yours, to blindly trust her husband, expecting him to come to her with confessions. You need to be more proactive about prevention. You need to be able to see what he is doing online - it should be totally transparent.

There should be no room for slip ups. You are his accountability partner in life.

See, I wouldn't describe lying by omission and needing to be questioned before confessing as 'brutally honest'. This is a real and severe weak spot for him.

How many backslides have there been? Pledge to yourself there will not be any more.

Are you sure that the tablet deletes the history each time its shut down, or was it set-up by your husband to do so? It sounds fishy, since every device I have used stores history unless it is set up to do otherwise.

I would be more suspicious of a tablet set-up to delete browsing history automatically. Sounds like something a person with something to hide would do.

Jedi_Knight, Indiegirl is correct. I was speaking of meeting his other emotional needs instead of this rigid physical attractiveness need of his. "Putting my foot down" against this.
I do see what you're saying Indiegirl. That by taking away his fantasy, he will be more tempted towards porn. He has not looked at porn in about 3 years. Before that, he would do really well for about 6 months and then have a backslide. It was always dangerous territory when I was pregnant or had to be gone in the evening for some reason. He has not had issues lately. I do see, however, that I am setting up for big trial and may need to place something on his tablet.