The situation:
Girl's dating life prior to marriage. One particular boyfriend(was married, was in position of authority. Could grant extras benefits as a result of the relationship, etc.) The resulting relationship, once exposed, died. No recourse for the man. Some remorse from girl. Those that knew about the relationship found the entire incident to be a story of fun and intrigue in the resulting years. The girl eventually get's married. H was advised of her prior dating before marriage. It proved to be no issue. Done and buried. Not a bother. However, year after year the story of what she did was brought up at every family function as to them it was fun and great to tell. She got special treatment because of what she did or would do...you know "wink wink. Nudge nudge." For years the H heard the story at every holiday, family event or at any given moment that the family felt is was a great time to tell such a great story. To them it was a gas. The H had heard it so much that his mind started playing games. Mind movies. You know, the things she did with this man. Wink wink, nudge nudge. They were not specific but the wink wink nudge nudge left nothing to the imagination. Never does. How special things were granted by this man in authority. Eventually the H said he had heard enough. It never seemed his wife really cared if the story was told. When the H made his final stand with the family his W at that point said it was unsettling to have the family have a good laugh at her expense. A laugh that was embarrassing for her. She did not know what to do to stop it because it seemed H did care if the story was told. H was just not attempting to look jealous over an bad dating relationship before H arrived on the scene. The H made his stand. The stories stopped. The mind movies stopped with time. H really does not want to hear about old conquests. Particularly this one that everyone finds so fun to talk about. H told once while dating so nothing is left uncovered. It was buried to be forgotten. All was well now. No more stories and camp fire fun at W expense. Anyway, a few years later the OM son name appears on W FB page. Apparently a friend of a friend to the W. His name is the same as OM. The the amount of years the H has heard the name and mind movies this proved to be a huge trigger for him. Is it possible to hear stories over and over of past relationships to the point that one gets the feeling of infidelity? H could have feelings of infidelity? Mind movies, etc? Is it just projecting or plausible?

Why are you writing in 3rd person??

Because I'm doing my best to detach(once again) from the situation that once again reared it's ugly head this past weekend. If that makes sense.

It makes it so confusing as to be incomprehensible. If you could write it in its proper tense, it would be easier to understand. Is this story about you?

How horrible that your wife's family would keep bringing up her past relationship and make fun of her about it.

It sounds like you may need to stay away from the toxic family until you can heal your marriage.

Have you read Dr. Harley's basic concepts?

Yes it is. For years I have heard the same story. My wife(18 at the time) got involved with the principle of a very small Christian school. This went on her senior year. She was naive but it was great as to her classmates that knew it going on made her feel "cool"(for lack of a better word). Her mother worked at the school. It was tight knit however she did not know. Anyway, this is were special things were coming from as the OM was the principle. The affair is exposed. He moves on with little recourse other than losing his job. She is somewhat remorseful. She did not receive much of any recourse that I can ascertain. Classic carpet sweeping by the school. She graduates and I arrive on the scene. She had a few other failed relationships just after and before me. As we dated things got serious. She was forthcoming with her prior dating. I was with mine. Nothing left to wonder or any great surprises down the road. I was close to walking after the talk about the principle. The entire affair brought up a cheating fiance' of mine. Trusting another was difficult but I was growing in trust for others. We continued to date and got married. I weighed in her age at the time and naive to what I would call a principle that took a vulnerable 18 year old and proceeded to ruin a life or two.

We have been married over 20 years. Of those 20 years 15 of them entailed the same story about the principle and how my W got the special treatment. The story told my her family members. The best awards. Straight A's, etc. We do not have to guess that the special treatment was a result of dropping a apple on his desk every morning. It became physical. For 15 years I endured this story at every family function. They all thought this was such a wonderful story of how special things that were gotten. Snow days called for school off if my W made one call to the principle. Nonsense like that. My W never said much when the stories were told. I sat there the first few years figuring it would stop. My W said nothing as it did not look like it bothered me. She was upset but kept quiet. I had finally said enough to her brother as the same story reared it's head again! This time to his in-laws. I said this is your sister and my wife. The story is not flattering and embarrassing. It upsets me as eventually mind movies started playing in my head. Is it plausible to hear this story over and over that I begin to own or feel like I am? I do not want to hear about previous relationships repeatedly. Specifically this one as it is brought up numerous time. Just the OM name incites anger.

As explained above, the OM is was the principle. He has a son who was my W age at the time. In the same school. His name popped up on my W facebook as a result of a response to another friends post on her wall. My W knows it upsets me so instead of hiding it or having me find out on my own she showed me. This trigger me. His son's name is same as the his dad's(principles).

Am I off base harboring these feelings after hearing the same story over the years. The indiscretions and the resulting special favors?

The toxic family has been advised in no uncertain terms that this part of my W past is not longer fodder for fun at her and my expense.

Yes, I have read Dr. Harley basic concepts. I use them. Our marriage was strong but now it stronger using these concepts and using the tried and true ideas found on this forum. My W is beyond loyal to me and never had I any shred of fear of infidelity. Even after past events at a very young and impressionable age. I did weigh this event before proposing. My gut, her actions told me all would be well. I was correct. She is nothing short of wonderful. Although sometimes she does not think things through. This would concern an event on FB that occurred this past week.

OM son, her classmate appear on her FB. She did not go looking. He asked to be friends. There is a HS reunion coming up. She does not want to attend for obvious reason. At any rate, she showed me. She said she did not know what to do as it might upset me. She said she took the bulls by the horns and told me. I thanked her a month of Sundays for her honesty and my feelings. She always said she never wants to hurt me. Always open. I know every PW to her email and FB. Transparent as she can get and then some.

My gosh, what kind of people joke and laugh about an affair? That is downright creepy and cloddish. Just tell them to stop it.

As far as the OM son showing up on Facebook, she can either delete the Facebook page or eliminate any friends of the OM's family.

You are smart to be concerned because it is a real risk to your marriage. Seeing the OM son on Facebook and hearing about this affair endlessly no doubt triggers your wife and it certainly triggers you.

Did you know that women who have affairs with married men BEFORE marriage, usually have many affairs during marriage? Dr Harley has addressed this fact on the private forum since he has so many such affair cases over there.

THAT BEING SAID, if you and your wife have appropriate boundaries around members of the opposite sex you should be safe. Just "trusting" each other does not make you safe. Boundaries make people safe.

I would either unfriend him or just delete Facebook altogether. Does the wife know about the affair? Does the son know?

What occurred is OM son asked to be friends. He knows about the affair, etc. I guess everyone forgives and moves on. The issue is his name is the same as his dads. It is trigger city for me as I heard all the innuendo of the affair. This translates to mind movies for me. At any rate, she rejected him. I told her the FB is not connect to his dad the OM. She said her page is private and he (OM) can not see it. I just finally gave up. Said the choice was hers to accept the son or not. Well she did. I pop on FB and guess what shows up first on a fine Saturday morning. W is now friends with OM son with the same name! WTH? I was hoping her choice would be rejecting the invitation for being friends. After a heated Saturday and Sunday. Me deactivating my FB did she finally realize it was the wrong choice. She saw no harm as it was his son. I said same name and it was enough for me to get these feelings. She apologized profusely for accepting. She really did not mean any harm. She showed great remorse. He was deleted. Boundaries set. I think I have a final nail in this coffin.

Am I nuts for having these feelings after hearing these stories for so many years?

Of course not!! You rightly recognize that the OM is a threat to your marriage and having the son hanging around just reminds you of her affair with this married man. Your feelings are your feelings and that is that!

And let's say you are NUTS. Why would a caring person want to torment a NUT?? If my H was nuts, I wouldn't be going out of my way to make his life a living hell. Who does that??

Are you certain that he knows? That is very odd that he would "friend" the person who tried to wreck his family. That is like making friends with your rapist. Who does that? Can you imagine how his MOTHER feels about that?

Are you SURE this family knows the truth?

Melody,
For a answer to this:
I'm a good husband. Provide financially, etc. However, I was very lacking in the attention to my wife department. I happened on to this site. Not sure how. Anway, I as hit by a 2x4 reading a recurring theme. Lack of attention leads to infidelity. Holy smokes, I got up off the couch and turned that around in a hurry. In doing so my wife asked of the changes in me. Really, it was complete transformation for me. I explained to her that I mismanaged some of this marriage. I know what it was. She told me quite a few times. More attention. To me, providing food and the usual was my way of showing attention. She said to me, "Over the years I asked for more attention. I finally decided to accept you for you who are. Great provider and father. This is what I will focus my praises on." There was never any talk or notion to step outside the marriage. She knows what that can do. Her father stepped out on her mother. Her mother was her very best friend(passed from cancer when she was 50). For my W, "affair" is as toxic as it gets. I never have been lead to believe that this would happen. Her actions say the same. Always have. Transparent always and with everything.

After our conversation above it finally drove it home for me that I was mismanaging the marriage in the physical department. From that day on she has gotten 150% me and all I can do for her. My wife deserves no less for her devotion and loyal nature to me.

We have been through a lot in 20 years.

Yes, they know. Sure of it. OM got his pink slip as a result of his extra curricular activities. His daughter has forgiven my W. They were all in the same school. They do not chit chat with their dad so much. The know what their dad did was wrong on so many levels. The son is aware. Has forgiven. There is a HS reunion coming up. This is how it started. My wife did not instigate. She hates what has happened and has moved on as best possible. Hard to do when boneheaded family members like to talk about it.

Please do not get the wrong idea about my W. She has put it past her. Gotten the chastising when it happened. Lived with the aftermath for sometime. It is time to finally put it to rest.

Thats great!! You got a very necessary wake up call and I am glad for you and your wife.

One watch out is this: it is not unmet needs that leads to affairs, but poor boundaries. Even in marriages where the needs are met perfectly, people have affairs because they do not observe appropriate boundaries.

And who usually has affairs? The people who swear they would "NEVER EVER HAVE AN AFFAIR!!" And there is a reason they are usually the ones who do it: it is because they believe they are IMMUNE so they don't observe appropriate boundaries.

Now, I am not saying that you and your wife don't have appropriate boundaries, but I am just saying that you should be diligent and make sure you don't replace blind trust with good, solid boundaries.

I hope for the sake of the betrayed wife that your wife stays far away from these people.

I do not see the OM as a threat. He is another mind movie. A couple of days I'm over it. He is trigger to my W in the sense that she knows this will upset me. There was never love between them. It was a 18 year old getting a snow day off because of some physical activity. She could give two rats butts about the OM. Has no reservations in saying it. She is remorseful. Sometimes crying in her remorse that she never wanted to hurt me from this or anything else. This occurred before I came on the scene. However, over a period of time hearing it over and over I some how felt like a part of it. I have no worry about anything other then seeing or hearing the name. Other than that all is great. She rejected the son. She asked if there was anything anyone else on her FB page she would like me to unfriend. There is none. Just this clown and his son.

1200 miles.

Yes, a very serious wake up call. And I'll let you in on a little secret. Our connection and togetherness since my turn around is so darn great I wish I had done it for the past 20 years. It was foolish of me and told the wife same. Things were going to change. Our daughters are in the late teens. We have a lot of time for US now. We use it fully. I know 15 hours is recommended for together time. We average 25 plus weekly. Enjoy the same things and hobby.

As far as boundaries, these are established. For us both. She has only girlfriends. 5 of them. The meet for dinner for their birthdays. Sometimes a girls Christmas dinner or summertime dinner. Always at our house. But yes, I can fully understand one not knowing or observing inappropriate boundaries. I'm watchful in that respect.

As far as everything else. She is not tech savvy. I set up her emails and FB. Heck, I have to remember her passwords for her! My cell provider allows me to identify a number and label the name of the person who is belongs too. No odd ball numbers show up. Always our kids, family or girlfriends.

As far as FB, I was on hers. I don't get on it at all. Why when I can click her page. This time I signed in to her FB. Reason is this HS reunion and the OM son commenting on a post that got this ball rolling as it were. Checked her friend requests. There was the OM son. I sat on it and waited to see what she did. Sure enough, brought it to my attention within two days. She wanted to tell me and find a way in doing so that would not bring upset. Did anyway but hey, she told me without me asking. That means a lot.

One other thing. Two of her sisters old boyfriends wanted to become friends on FB. Her sister does not have a FB page. My W asked me why these two dopes would want to friend her. I said they are fishing for your sister. I said go ahead and friend one. Sure enough..."How is your sister?" So predictable. He was deleted and the other rejected. My wife got the picture.