Had some nice family time last night. First we went to a fair that the local parks and rec put on, but it was just a tiny bounce house and a bunch of kiosks trying to get people to sign up for crap. So we went putt-putt and had a good time. Went and got appetizers and desserts afterward, then came home and hung out without kids until bed.

She kept wanting to kiss me the whole night since I got home from work. A couple times through the night she made comments that she liked how I have been treating her lately. She said I have been more like how I was when we dated and the first year we were married. She told me that I changed when she quit work and my son was born. She mentioned that I expected too much from her, and I was not nice about it. She went on to say that a lot of the little things I do like not picking something up don't bother her when I am treating her nicely.

It was a nice night, and definitely encouraging.

Wow that is amazing, worth celebrating!

1) that you two have enjoyable FC time
2) she is comfortable to be honest with you
3) that she has gotten to state of intimacy, wanting to meet your ENs

Keep it up my friend! What do you have planned for UA time this weekend?

I understand you're frustrated about her IB with her family. How about brainstorming with abandon, bringing you taker to the table, what would make you enthusiastic about going to see her family while you are away? I can tell you my family didn't like my ex, and had a hard time putting a finger on what they didn't like. It was the disrespect. It's going to take time for her family to feel comfortable around you again. I think continued patience and honesty will get you to where they will be happy you're part of the family, too.

What are your plans for UA and how much?

We had a great weekend, a spur of the moment decision to drive to Chicago for dinner and shopping. Had a real nice time, stayed the night, and went to the zoo the next day. Got home last night, and somehow it all went downhill the moment we walked in the door.

There was a swampy smell outside when we walked up, and she questioned it. We have a creek in our backyard, and after the record rainfall it overflowed and has had the same stink back there ever since. She thought there was something wrong, and I said that I noticed it the other day. Then she said that she could smell it inside, and couldn't last week.

Instead of listening to her, I felt that I needed to explain why I didn't think there was anything wrong. She got extremely angry and yelled that I don't listen to her and think she is dumb.

Thankfully I did not lose my temper, and I apologized for hurting her feelings, and mentioned that I would listen to her better next time instead of trying to be right. However the damage was done, and she didn't really want to spend anymore time with me before bed.

I feel like for everything I fix, there is something else that kills all of my forward progress.

We get one date out of the house per week without kids. We do spend a lot of quality time with each other inside the home with the kids in bed.

I understand that it is suggested that all UA time takes place out of the home...But...when we dated some of our best memories were us just hanging out on the porch or sitting in the living room. We would listen to music and talk for hours, and to this day it is her favorite.

Droptopz, the reason why outside of the home UA was SO important for us is that folks don't blow up or act the fool when they are out in front of others the way they do at home. I think givn your history, and especially what you said this weekend, where it went great when you went for the trip, and fell apart when you got home, that this advice is more cornerstone for you than for most people. How about going to a local music place and listen to live music? Ah but then there are other men there seeing your wife dressed up, so that's not such a guaranteed for success thing for you two either. How about you two brainstorm and see what you come up with?

The reason UA at home is so lousy is because people who are not in love are easily distracted because they don't enjoy being together. They would much rather be doing just about anything else in the home so it is too easy to get distracted by phone calls, dirty dishes, children, etc.

BUT, you didn't have kids then and you were in love. When a couple is not in love, they would rather do just about anything else, such as fold laundry or take a phone call or watch a TV show. Not to mention that waiting until the kids are asleep [8-10] is when you are exhausted. My H and I sure don't have much energy left that late at night. Sitting there exhausted dressed in a ratty t-shirt and jogging pants is not exactly date material.

This is why UA time at home is lousy, lousy, lousy. Not even Dr Harley and Joyce do it because they get distracted too easy. Same thing with my husband and I. And we are in love!! So when a couple who is not in love tries it at home, I know it is less than useless.

That is an interesting thing to say. If my husband blew up and acted a fool, we would be talking about separation, not UA time. I wouldn't be going on dates with such a turd.

The difficulty isn't in finding things to do or places to go, it has to do with childcare. My daughter is 9 and son is 3. My daughter is with us a little less than half the time. We have one babysitter that watches him for us, but she just graduated from school and has 2 part time jobs, so its tough to get her much more. Her whole family is in AZ and we are in MI, so that doesn't work.

My dad will do some babysitting, but my mother has MS and is bedridden, so he is her primary caregiver which is a 24 hour job. Having a hyperactive 3 year old running around while attending to a very handicapped person is reserved to when it is a necessity.

For the first 3 years he was alive I think her and I went out on 3 dates without kids. Since we moved and he has gotten older we have increased that substantially, and it has helped somewhat.

However, being in public does not guarantee that she will be on her best behavior. If I do something that makes her angry and we are in public, she will not hesitate to make a scene. Usually she just decides we are leaving and that is that.

Ok, this is very different problem. If she has angry outbursts that shouldn't be tolerated, period. that has nothing to do with UA time. She should be on her "best behavior" all the time. If my H had an AO while we were in the car, I DEMANDED he took me home immediately. That behavior is unacceptable.

My suggestion would be to insist she get into anger management training. Do you have the book Lovebusters?

Yes I do...She has not committed to the program yet, and every time I have brought up some sort of outside marriage help she says no.

Her and I have both had anger issues in the past. A lot of DJs from both of us which led to anger which was returned with anger. I have focused on MY anger and MY DJs in an attempt to make her love me again.

I think she would benefit from recognizing that her anger and DJs are not justified, regardless of what I say/do. However, I am not sure how to broach the subject considering the state of our relationship right now.

Does this mean you have not broached the subject with her?

I have told her that I would prefer it if she calmly talked to me when she is frustrated instead of being angry, but her response is something to the effect of she should be angry because I don't listen and have done X, Y, and Z for the past 5 years.

I would keep this on the front burner until it is resolved because resolving any problems will be impossible unless you do. I would just tell her you won't tolerate that kind of treatment and leave the room. Don't put up with her AO's. Have you shown her the chapter on AO's in Lovebusters?

The last time I remember my H having an AO was about 4 years ago. He had a tirade about traffic so I told him he was so unpleasant that I wanted to be taken home NOW. When your wife behaves like that, leave the room, take her home, whatever you do, don't tolerate it. Tell her something has to change because you won't live like that.

So my not accepting her anger should trump my application of plan A?

That IS plan A. Plan A never dictates that you tolerate angry outbursts. Plan A only means that you are willing to meet your spouses needs unreciprocated for a short period of time. It doesn't mean you tolerate abuse.

Don't tolerate angry outbursts and don't reward selfish demands by complying.

Gotcha, thanks for the clarification. I have not been giving into demands. Historically I was the one with the demands, and she would give in. Hence the resentment that set in over time.

Perhaps it is time I discuss the books with her and try to get her on-board again...

I would jump to the book Lovebusters and stay there until you get this resolved.