First of all, I do not totally feel comfortable discussing my husband or marriage with total strangers. We've been together for 10 years, and married for 6. I feel like I'm just might be crazy or over analyzing things that might mean nothing or that I have misinterpreted.

I have suspicions that my husband might be or have had an interest in another woman (his co-worker) either just emotional or possibly even physical.

It all started about 5 years ago. It was a normal thing that he and I would have lunch together a few times a week or I'd surprise him with a special lunch that I delivered to his office (we share a car, and I needed it for my job). And it was a totally normal thing for us to go home for lunch, and have an intense quickie or a 45 minute sex session. We had sex or performed sexual acts 5-10 times a week. We hiked, spent a lot of time listening to music, drinking wine/beer, having an enjoyable time on a regular basis. Then my hubby got a new co-worker "S". I didn't think anything of it at first, she seemed nice and slightly awkward. Her desk was right outside his door for the next 3 years and she was in his direct view each day for 8 hours. He got a promotion and became her boss.

Our sex life began to dwindle to 1-2 times a week, eventually to 1-2 per month, and my advances were met with rejection. Our lunches were just for eating food. Or he'd lose his erection and wasn't concerned if I climaxed. He wasn't as attentive. He began talking about her more and more to me. "Poor "S" is single, it's tough to find a good guy here". He'd be in the loop of what her life was like outside of work. I started to get uncomfortable with his relationship with her. Then, she invited him to go bird watching with her. He asked me if he could go, I said it made me uncomfortable, he replied that I could go also- I told him no, I didn't like their friendliness. He stopped talking about her for awhile, and we were starting to get closer physically again. Then, she developed a health issue, which he did tell me about. And I caught him reading about the health issue, I was furious. I told him that it made me uncomfortable, he stopped reading.

It got quiet for a long time, and he was "back"- we were back to our close relationship. Then, after sharing a bottle of wine- surprise! Our daughter was conceived. I was about 6 months pregnant when "S" was turning 30 and having a birthday dinner, and she "invited all her co-workers". He asked if we could go. So, for some reason I agreed to go thinking it would be filled with lots of his co-workers. Wrong! He was the only co-worker at the dinner, along with 6 friends. I could barely eat in the assigned seat- right next to her. He seemed very nervous the entire time. We left early, per my request. I point blank asked him if he was or had ever been interested in her. He said no, it was nothing like that. I let it go.

Then, this past fall he started drifting again. Losing his erection, no longer showing affection unless I initiated it. He was argumentative towards me, and had no interest in giving me orgasms. I was still attentive to him- but was rejected constantly. Or he'd watch porn and masterbate after rejecting me (I caught him several times). I point blank asked him what was going on- he said it was work, he was tired. He was going out for drinks with his office team as a thank you for getting some big projects done and winning an award. He came home, I could tell he was a little tipsy. He was telling me all about it, when he said "oh, S was there on a date with some foreign guy. Everyone was laughing about it. It didn't bother me that she was on a date". I responded by asking what he meant, he said he thought her date was fine despite that other people were making fun of him.

Now, here we are at the end of summer and he's coming "back" again.

Over this time, 5 years, she has been overly friendly to me and then started avoiding me all together. Last week she passed me in a parking lot, made eye contact and turned away.

I'm terrified that he's been attracted to her for several years, or worse. Am I crazy? I can't deal with this anymore. I feel starved sexually, emotionally. Now we have a child and if my fears are true- we need to handle this in a real way- I don't want my daughter (who is 3 now) to keep witnessing and sensing the tension.

I just want to state that I honestly feel I'm a good partner to him. I don't reject his advances, I am thoughtful and caring. I love this man, or at least the man he was before "S" arrived.

Welcome to MB. How much have you read of Dr. Harley's basic concepts?

You are right to be suspicious. You need to put spyware on his devices and snoop to get to the bottom of this. Will you do this?

Please read this and tell us what you think.
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

Thank you, I did read the "snooping" writing. I do agree, a good marriage is transparent. He is a very tech savvy person, he's in the website & IT business. I think he'll notice if he's being monitored.

I think I'll start by writing down all my user names, email and passwords- give it to him "in the event of an emergency."

We've had many people who've worked in IT and their BS put spyware on their devices and they've never known.

How can you fix the problem if you don't know what the problem is? Also put GPS and a VAR on his vehicles.

Hi treemama, welcome to Marriage Builders. I strongly suspect your husband is in a long term affair. I can't guess if it is physical or not because of the porn aspect. Porn use will cause the exact result you describe. Men are no longer interested in their wives because they satisfy themselves by masturbating AND their wife is no longer appealing to them because of the contrast effect between her and a 18 yr old porn star. Porn is far from a harmless activity. It wrecks marriages.

But first you need to find out what is going on here. I would start spying on him and find out what is going on with this woman.

Usually not. Some good key loggers are eblaster and and spectorsoft and they are not detectable. How do you think he would communicate with her? Does he text her? Does he call her when he is in his car? There are many ways to spy on a person.


What is the goal here?

I should have expanded on the password comment, the goal being that he would have full access to all my accounts. I'm going to ask him to do the same. If he does not, then I will immediately use the spyware.

I'm not sure when he would communicate with her. Anything is possible.

My suggestion would be to not ask and to start quietly snooping on your own. Does he have everything password protected? Can you access his phone bill?

See, the second you ask him for this, he will do one of two things. He will feign moral "outrage" that you don't trust him ......and quietly sneak off to delete emails, texts, etc. OR....he will hand them over and then.......quietly sneak off to delete emails, texts, etc and open up a secret email account.

Asking him will put him on alert and he will go further underground. It will be harder to catch him that way.

Does he have an iPhone?