Yes I did tell him

His reponse was firstly to say he'll fly down after the wedding to still help with my problems, but when I pointed out that it still means that he'll be around his ex without me and that he still didn't invite me to be his date at the wedding he responded:

"But please understand. She is really really a bad person. I dont know how she fooled me for so long. But i really would not even want to talk to her to introduce you to her. She just causes problems where she goes. She does not care who she pisses off or hurts, because some how its makes her feel better. And i dont want my past to come back and hurt you. The only reason that i'm going is cause C is my friend and i would want him at my wedding as well."

It just makes me feel like he is embarassed to be seen with me or something, or he wants to keep that side of his life to himself and not share it with me. I would have thought that if it was that important for him to attend his ex fiancee's brother's wedding, then he would want to include me in the occassion.

Also, he told me a few months ago that his ex fiancee called him up to talk - so he met her at a pub and she told him how she had made the worst mistake of her life and that she wants to try again with him. They were together for four years and I have suspicions that he still deep down loves her

This is a huge . Have you read what Dr. H says about having NC with former partners or exes?

Umm no? What is NC? (I can usually figure out most of the abbreviations but this one has stumped me :p )

He told me it was just that one meeting and that he told her he wasn't interested. But I know how hard it is sometimes to let go of former loves. And I feel especially vulnerable when he sees her at the wedding and she see's that he hasn't got a date, and they are around people they used to know together etc

NC=no contact

Ahh thanks I think I did read that, but I have read so much these last few weeks that it is hard to remember it all.

But I thought NC was just after an affair? His relationship with her was over a year before we met.

Dr. Harley recommends to have NC with any past lover for life. Alot of the affairs we see on SAA are started with exes.

Then on top of that you live long distance and so you don't know if he's talking with her or seeing her.

Can you just show up and go to the wedding? Him not inviting you to the wedding that he knows his ex-fiance will be there is not a good sign.

How do you know he hasn't started back up with her and is Just stringing you along as backup?

No i can't just show up to the wedding - I don't think anyone here who has been married would appreciate an uninvited stranger at their wedding (I've never met these friends of his who are getting married). Plus, I can't really leave this weekend either as I have three dogs and can't get a doggy sitter on such short notice.

Yes I agree it's not a good sign that he doesn't want me there - that's why I'm so worried about it. But I also know that my gut instincts are messed up because of two previous abusive relationships - so I either don't react enough, or I over-react. That's why I wanted to ask if I'm being reasonable or not in this situation

I have no idea if he is seeing her, and more to the point, if the reason he doesn't want me at the wedding is because he knows she will be there and he wants to seem available to her.

MrEureka,

Sorry i missed your reply on the last page!

Going with him at this late stage is not an option mainly because of my dogs, but also because uninvited guests at the last minute to a wedding i'm sure will not be appreciated by the bride and groom - isn't all the catering etc supposed to be done by now? The wedding is on saturday.

The solution I'm going to propose to him (if he starts talking to me again), is that he comes here this weekend as planned, then when his friends get a weekend off we take them away somewhere, just the four of us, as a second "honeymoon weekend" to show that their friendship is still important even though he misses the wedding... what do you think of this proposal?

Ms, regardless of what happens Saturday, I am really glad that you're here. It's so easy to "look before you leap" but the folks here will really help you reason through things so that you make decisions that fit reality and not the what-ifs if that makes sense. It sounds like you're a lot more considerate with him than he is with you. This stuff is just really good to know.

You sound really super upset, and I do understand that. But you two are just dating, just on the interview at this point, don't be so invested in the outcome just yet. If this is the one he would be acting differently, you know this. And you're going through a hard time so you know you need to give yourself extra time.

Thanks NED

What do you mean by this? He's stopped talking to you?

Yes - I sent him some emails last night saying that I was not happy about him going without me (basically what I've said here) - I didn't tell him outright that he can't go, but I did make it very clear to him that I was upset about it - and he didn't reply

One part of me (the bitchy part) wants to say screw him! He can go to the wedding alone and watch two other people make lifelong commitments to each other and see how happy he feels being alone, then he can see if it was worth losing me over it. The other part thinks that our relationship is worth not throwing a hissy fit over and trying to sort things out with him.

Not replying to you the same night hardly means he has stopped speaking to you.

Try to stay calm. Remember what the ultimate goal is - to make sure the two of you have long-term compatibility. If you don't, it is better to find out now.

kerala, true.

I've basically just told him that i love him and I'd like him to put our relationship first. I don't expect him to be perfect, but it's how we respond when we realise that we have made mistakes that counts. Also that his actions are hurting me.

If he now insists on going to the wedding I think I have to break up with him

OK so we did talk last night - and I'm trying to find a doggy sitter for my babies so I can go with him this weekend. But now there is a lot of running around for me to do in arranging it, and buying clothes, and having to take time off work to sort some stuff out that I have to do that we were going to do on the weekend, let alone paying about $300 for the ticket and now I'm feeling resentful that this is his mess that he caused by not inviting me in the first place, and I'm the one that has to pay to get it sorted out while he gets exactly what he wants. How do I get over this resentment?

I thought rule #1 was don't do that which you are not enthusiastic about? You wanted to know he wants you there, and now you know that. How about taking some time and keep focusing on getting yourself more stable, so that regardless of how it turns out with this guy you will be on better footing?

I think it was a good sign that he is willing to "invite you into the rooms in his house." But spending $300 right now for one weekend doesn't sound like it's in your best interest, unless it always costs that much.

POJA states that you don't do anything you are not enthusiastic about, and if you are not enthusiastic, you do nothing. So if you are going to be resentful, you should not go. Instead you should discuss an option for the weekend that you both enjoy.

You should not push him to come to your house to help you if he is not enthusiastic, and he should not force you to go to the wedding. Maybe some other compromise...

I think maybe I'm just too emotional and overly sensitive to be in a relationship. I'm trying so hard this time around to have a good relationship based on sound marriage advice, so I'm really trying to apply the marriage builders philosophy - but at the end of the day we are not married, just dating, so perhaps he didn't invite me to the wedding because he really just didn't want me there. And really, for me to expect him to not go to his friend's wedding because I don't want him around his ex fiancee is maybe a little too presumptuous on my part.