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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18 |
Hi,
I had an account a while back, but can't remember my login info.
Have a new problem that just came up. My dh and I have recently just really started MB. He says he's on board.
Our problem: last week a female who has worked with him for about six months passed away. She worked with him during the day, and a strip club at night. She od'd on drugs. He says he doesn't want to go to the funeral, but feels like he should represent the company, (the company sent flowers).
I'm not comfortable with us going. We don't really know her, and we could just send flowers.
He agreed not to go, but he's mad, and punishing me with his words. Now won't even talk to me.
Says I'm telling him what to do. Not true. Told him to go, but I would not be happy about it.
How do we fix this? TIA!
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18 |
Also, generally, we agree on everything. Our first real need for poja, and this happens.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Also, generally, we agree on everything. Our first real need for poja, and this happens. So you did try and POJA this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18 |
I wouldn't even know where to start. And after him cussing at me, and telling me to stfu over something he says he doesn't even want to do, I don't know what to think.
I'll check out the link - thank you.
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
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Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18 |
I'm still lost. I've tried being pleasant when I brought this up. I was met with disrespect, and a whole lot of anger.
I'm not in love with my husband, I don't even like him. I've been trying to change this, but feel it's just getting worse.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Also, generally, we agree on everything. Our first real need for poja, and this happens. I would start using the POJA. You did the right thing in voicing your objection and he did the right thing in not going. What he did wrong is his shabby, bully behavior afterwards.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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I wouldn't even know where to start. And after him cussing at me, and telling me to stfu over something he says he doesn't even want to do, I don't know what to think. That is abuse and Dr Harley would tell you not to tolerate it. I would put him on notice and if it happens again, you should make arrangements to separate from him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
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Junior Member
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Posts: 18 |
Separation sounds great, but I've always been a sahm\sahw. I wouldn't know how to separate without a job. He's always been verbally punishing. I don't know what to think.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Separation sounds great, but I've always been a sahm\sahw. I wouldn't know how to separate without a job. He's always been verbally punishing. I don't know what to think. In that case, Dr Harley would tell you to get legal help and ask him to move out. Your husband would have to continue paying the bills.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
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I've told him this before, and he said he'd go to jail before he pays the bills. Don't know if that's true or not. He has a bad habit of lying. He's been lying to me for a lot of years.
What I don't understand is, how would we even negotiate this if he doesn't want to go, (but was planning on going) and I'm uncomfortable with it?
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Joined: Aug 2014
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And the funeral isn't until Saturday. He has plenty of time to change his mind.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I've told him this before, and he said he'd go to jail before he pays the bills. Don't know if that's true or not. He has a bad habit of lying. He's been lying to me for a lot of years.
What I don't understand is, how would we even negotiate this if he doesn't want to go, (but was planning on going) and I'm uncomfortable with it? You can't negotiate with someone who is abusive. If you consult with a lawyer, he could get court order and your husband would be ordered to pay your bills.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
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Posts: 18 |
I'm afraid that even if it's court ordered, he might be telling the truth this time. Rather be in jail than pay.
And honestly, I'd like to save this mess of a marriage if there's anyway possible. Although I'm not sure why. I'm starting to hate him and l never thought that was possible.
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I'm afraid that even if it's court ordered, he might be telling the truth this time. Rather be in jail than pay.
And honestly, I'd like to save this mess of a marriage if there's anyway possible. Although I'm not sure why. I'm starting to hate him and l never thought that was possible. The way to save it is to separate because you can do nothing with an abusive man. You can't change him. But you can separate and sometimes that will motivate a spouse to get anger management training. But you should not even try to negotiate with someone who abuses you and who has no control over their anger. Separating is win/win for you, because the outcome is either a) he gets his crap together and stops the abuse or b) he does not and you can move on and leave the marriage. Both of those outcomes are better than staying with him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
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Okay, thanks for your help; I really appreciate it.
I'm gonna sleep on it, and try to discuss it with him tomorrow.
It's frustrating, he's kind and loving, as long as I pretend to be happy.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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One thing you can do is insist he take anger management training and commit to never tolerating his abusive behavior again. The first 5 chapters of Lovebusters address abusive behavior.
One huge red flag I see here is that you say you ALWAYS agree on everything. That is not normal. What often happens in abusive marriages is the abused victim gets in the habit of just going along with everything. After awhile, she/he no longer knows what they really want because they are so accustomed to putting aside their own feelings. That bad habit usually manifests itself in depression and various illnesses.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 18
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Posts: 18 |
Where do you take anger management training? Are there online classes? I'll see if he'll start on love busters tomorrow.
I said generally we always agree on everything. We really don't usually have things we disagree on. I have no problem telling him when I'm not happy about something, and we work it out. For some reason, this set him off.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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In a typical marriage, there are conflicts every day. In a good marriage those conflicts are worked out to mutual satisfaction. In a bad marriage, they are addressed with sacrifice, fights or ignored entirely.
" I wouldn't even know where to start. And after him cussing at me, and telling me to stfu over something he says he doesn't even want to do, I don't know what to think."
That is very abusive behavior. How often does that happen?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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. I wouldn't know how to separate without a job. He's always been verbally punishing. I don't know what to think. If your husband is verbally abusive, how do you negotiate problems with him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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