I suspect my wife is in an affair, and I am snooping. I have discussed this relationship with her. She says they are "just friends", but she agreed with great reluctance, to end her contact with him. This Sat evening she and I are invited to a party. The OM is also invited. I am looking at my options. I could go with her and perhaps the OM would be there too. I could let her go alone. Or I could suggest to the OM that he stay away. I could also suggest that she and I stay home, but she will be really resistant to that. She loves parties.

I am leaning toward letting her go alone. I believe that the best way to handle the (possible) affair is exposure and then plan A. To do this I need to gather evidence that will convince our family and friends that there really is an inappropriate relationship, and that I am not just a jealous, possessive nut. Letting her go by herself will promote complacency making it easier to gather evidence, which has been a challenge at best.

I would love to hear if any of you have thoughts about this situation?

Do not let her go to this party by herself!!!!

Find your evidence other ways, you might as well be saying go ahead and go on a date with OM......

I am always astonished at any married person that goes to parties alone because it is so dysfunctional. It is just an affair waiting to happen. It also reflects an uncaring attitude on the part of the other spouse when they agree to such marriage wrecking behavior. My husband would look at me like I was NUTS if I asked if he was ok if I went to a "party" without him.

I would not agree to her going alone. Instead find something to do as a married couple. AND put your snooping hat on and find out what she is doing!

Particularly for a man, saying 'go by yourself' sends an uncaring, unprotective message that runs counter to Plan A.

Promoting complacency is not a bad plan of attack, but you can do that simply by smiling and acting unsuspicious. Or telling her you are going to be too busy to catch her on the day you've hired a PI leaving her plenty of rope.

OK looks like there is a consensus. Thank you for your help. I will attend with my wife, if I can't divert her in some other direction.

Absolutely I would not attend with you wife. She shouldn't have anything to do with the OM. You can divert her by telling her it is inappropriate for her to be around OM and you will not agree to it at all.

Didn't you just say she agreed to end contact with him? If so, why is there even a discussion about this?

Neither your wife nor you should go to the party.

Fact is that you will need to both make a new group of friends if OM is part of that social scene.

Sir,

You should absolutely continue to snoop for evidence of an affair; However, I would like to address your statement above, in which you express concern that you may be seen as jealous or possessive.

IN marriage, if something your spouse does bothers you then you should let the spouse know and she should stop the offending behavior.

This is based on the Policy of Joint Agreement: Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

In this case, if you ask your wife not to go then she should not go.

It sounds like you have very loose boundaries in your marriage; for example, one "rule" in Marriage Builders is NO opposite sex friendships! Dr. Harley has found that they create conditions that can lead to affairs.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

What spyware do you have installed?

I have just started to snoop. I have had a VAR installed in her car for one day. Tomorrow I will receive a gps. I would like to put spyware on her phone and am evaluating the best way to get it done.

I do have the book Surviving an Affair. I am about half way through it.

I would love it if we to did not go to the party. I have been focused on being a loving husband, not making love bank withdrawals. And trying to make deposits, although she doesn't seem too responsive. If I oppose the party and we talk about why I am opposed, she will be unhappy. I thought it might be better to let sleeping dogs lie, so to speak, so she is not so on guard about hiding her communication with the OM. However if it is better not to go, and have that discussion with her then I will do it.

I really want to get the evidence and expose, so that we can start on the road to repair this. Or conversely find that there is no evidence and we can go on with our lives.

Melody,
The reason we are discussing it is because she was so reluctant to end contact that I have serious doubts whether or not she did. If she is still in contact with him then she will be hell bent on attending this party. Even if she did end contact, she is a party girl, she will not like it if we don't go. She has already mentioned how much fun it'll be.

But again if the best plan is not to go then, I am prepared to oppose it.

That is fine if she doesn't like it. It is inappropriate and hurtful and you should not go along with any marriage wrecking plans. The bigger problems here are a) that she goes to parties and b) she has no regard for your feelings.

Is this her first affair? Does she typically lead the life of a single party girl?

I would just tell her you know the �friend� will be there and she told you there would be no more contact and maybe you can suggest something different for the two of you to do that you both will enjoy.
But I agree neither of you should be going to this particular party.

Over the years I am aware of 2 PA, both of (supposedly) short duration, and 2 other suspicious relationships. We are married 40+ years. I know now that we made some mistakes, and some things have happened that should have been red flags, but I was too dumb to understand.

At this point, no she does not lead the life of a single party girl. She is home every evening at the expected time. Her job puts her out in the community, and requires that she attend lots of events. She loves it. Last night she attended a retirement party and was home about 7:00 PM

When I said she is a party girl, I meant that she loves to go to them, but really outside her job, and family birthdays etc, it is maybe 2-3 times per year. The job is a problem though. She is not accountable to anyone while working. Her employer gives her free rein.

Thank you, melody. Your clarity is very much appreciated. There seems to be you and a few others on these forums who spend a lot of time trying to help people in trouble. This is a noble and compassionate thing.

So I am trying to snoop, but it isn't revealing much so far. I think emails, texts, phone logs are being sanitized scrupulously. I put a VAR in her car, but she uses the company vehicle a lot. Very difficult for me to bug the company car. Her phone is a company phone. Different details, but the same level of complexity, trying to bug it.