Hey, optimism - was that you guys on the radio show on Friday?

Hey Markos!
I just saw your post!
We actually were on the show that week.
Funny thing is we both wanted to write in, but agreed we didn't really want to be on the show. Then Joyce got to NG and it was all over, LOL.
Contextually: we were in the middle of our first family vacation together!
Wednesday we piled the kids in the car and drove 7 hours, stayed in a hotel, drove 10 more the next day, camped that night, got up in the am had breakfast and then carved out the hour to talk to Joyce and Bill. Craziness. But it was very helpful and we can't wait to listen again. Of course we have been talking a lot about what he said and trying to remember what we can. We were a little embarrassed b/c I think we took up the whole show...

We signed up for the downloads so when it hits we'll be all set.

I noticed you referred JK to the segment(s). Thank you for your confidence. I hope the show was helpful to others with blended families. There are many challenges. MB has been an important component for us in our very young marriage -- it helps us communicate and stay in love.

opt

Haha, go Joyce! I'm glad you guys were on there. It was a very informative show.

Your family vacation sounds a lot like the two vacations I took with my dad's blended family after he got married. Very fun, lots of camping, definitely a new adventure.

Keep up the great work, you two!

Another fantastic show about blended families.

Thanks optimism and NG.
Radio Clip of optimism and NG's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Thanks Brainy!
We finally signed up for the archives, too. What a resource that is. Just wish we had more time to listen.

Having a good summer, trying to integrate more and more. We've had some challenges. O&H have helped and keeping the 15 of UA is essential.

I was just checking in. But I also wanted to pose something to the board. In the above clips, 2 of our questions did not get directly answered by Dr. Harley.
1) What are your thoughts on UA having to come in 2-3 hour blocks (this was written in HNHN for Parents).
and
2) Since we have 50% custody, is 7.5 hours of family time a good goal (instead of the 15 he recommends for non-divorced households). The choice would be to concentrate a lot of time together when the family is together for 3.5 days/wk -- something we strived to do for several months.

Any thoughts would be helpful.

opt

Hey guys!
thought I'd check in for a minute today.

It's been about 18 months since I posted and have not visited the forum many times since then although I have read a few threads and been tempted to jump in. but alas, have been focusing my attention on a great number of other important pursuits. We have focused on our health and recently our financial situation, striving to get out of debt (another back-breaker in marriage). We also are tring to maintain this 100 year old house which was neglected for several years during my first marriage/divorce process. Bless NG as she likes a challenge!

We do everything together and POJA a LOT.

Susan and I continue to BUILD a great marriage. It is not without it's challenges but I can say with great confidence that every single conflict has been tackled with MB principles. These techniques definitely work if applied correctly. We are protecting our love and each other, we check in on emotional needs and have learned in 18 months to increase our level of respect for each other. In the beginning I would say we had a tendency to revert to DJ's during "discussions" which would lead to arguments and retreat on her part, exasperation and defensiveness on my part. so we have had to overcome that stuff. I have to say that we read He Wins She Wins when it first came out and my opinion is that is the 2nd most important book in Dr. Harley's library (HNHN's first).

I also would mention that I continue to listen to the radio show at least weekly. This has helped me maintain the insight that keeps me grounded in marriage. Susan doesn't listen that often but occasionally we will listen together in the car and discuss. They do a great job with that show and it really never ceases to amaze me how he navigates and gets to the point.

My kids have adjusted well, one is going to college this year, and my daughter is full fledged ballerina (5 days/wk this year!). Step daughter working at a bank and step son doing finish carpentry in Nantucket (a beautiful place to be slave-labor!). It's been REALLY fun to be part of all these kids' lives and try to have a positive influence on them. there have been challenges including the 24 year old living with us for a few months - did not end well but we are recovering, and the lessons were learned all the way around.

Divorce still breaks my heart. I see families breaking up in my community, on these forums, at my work place. And as much as I celebrate having a great marriage this time around, divorce is still such a needless tragedy. With marriage builders principles applied correctly and with great patience and humility; I'm convinced at least half of these disasters could be averted (I will never know if I could have saved my marriage with more hard work and time; like most, I gave up trying).

I'm doing everything I can to make the best of a bad situation; but that is all divorce will ever be. I wish there was a way to help people see that before they hop on the D train.

-Optimism

Hi Opt! Great to hear from you, and glad things are going well. I've thought about you from time to time, wondering how you're doing and if I'd ever run into you again on the forum. Debt is tough, something I too am working on, and I sympathize with you!

Don't be gone so long next time! You have valuable advice to help people posting here.

As always, thanks Opt for your update. I'm glad things are going well.I do wish you would stick around longer and help us.

Opt, it is always great to hear from you. I remember your radio show last year where Dr. Harley talked about not going to love busters in conflict. It was a great show and helpful to many of us including myself. I'm glad to hear you guys have taken that and run with it and I know NG is a lot happier given that that has changed! Not to mention yourself!

I agree with you about the importance of He Wins She Wins. I was so glad to get this book when it came out because it filled out a lot of what I always felt was missing in figuring out how to make marital negotiation work. I was always looking for those answers in Love Busters and there just wasn't enough room in that book for Dr. Harley to give that kind of concrete guidance about what to do instead, so I'm glad he made another book!

So happy to hear you guys are doing well. Don't be a stranger!

Hey thanks KL and BH. You are all entirely too kind.
I will try to get involved again from time to time.
You all have my undying respect. I have found myself being frustrated on these boards after giving considerable time to post after post on some threads, only to have the person never return (do I scare people away?!). I know you must go through this, but you continue to persevere and try. That is awesome.

I also have come to the conclusion that we can only do so much and that the most valuable resource out there is actually Dr. Harley himself. The gift of his radio show is, IMO, extremely beneficial and I lament the day when they decide to stop doing it. His tone, his calm demeanor, and the way he handles situations on the show can be translated into so many others' lives. It's nice to see posters encouraged to write and listen to the show. I hope they take this advice seriously; and then come back for more guidance.

~Opt