My husband and I have been numerous issues for a while. One of the biggest is with affection. Dr. Harley says in his book His needs Her needs that successful couples spend at least 15 hours a week together.

This sounds good and fine, however I am not sure how my husband and I can accomplish this with a 6 year old at home.

Finding a sitter all the time is out of the question we do not have that kind of moola.

Any suggestions?

Some ways other couples do it is to exchange babysitting with neighbors, ask family, find people from church. Maybe you could earn some extra money during the week?

Dr. Harley suggested on the radio show to a couple yesterday that adhering to early bedtimes for the child can be helpful. 5 nights per week a 730 bedtime (and then you stay up till just 10pm) could give you ten+ hours right there.

No TV. I know people think it's funny, but my wife and I read aloud to each other, then talk about things that we find interesting. We have read all our MB books that way, other books on parenting, even some history books.

They also said to enlist grandparents; this wasn't an option for me in my first marriage and possibly was a contributing factor (one of hundreds) in the ultimate divorce.

Have you read His Needs Her Needs for Parents? Have you considered writing the radio show?

-Optimism

I am currently reading His Needs Her Needs, but this is what caused me to ask. That early bed time thing is a great idea. I will definitely try it.

Thank you!

It is frequently restated here that your UA Time should only count primarily in Out Of The House activities.

LTL

In our experience, out of the house UA is definitely more quality, fewer distractions. just being in the home can be a distraction (Oh, I forgot to dust behind that picture).
So, in-home UA takes creativity; but I have definitely heard Dr. Harley advocate in-home UA in the absence of being able to legitimately get out; like in the above scenario which mirrors the scene depicted in the radio show from earlier this week.
yesterday on the show it was mentioned that phone conversations and skyping is legit UA (I suppose it has to be done with purpose, but the point was still made).
Hey, it's a start, right?

opt

There are some good clips at the end of this. The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

Callme, just so you know, the Harley's don't advocate in home UA time because it is lousy UA time that rarely meets the objective. Dr Harley and Joyce don't even do that because it is too easy to get distracted and disturbed while at home. Dr Harley suggests 4 - 4 hour dates out of the home, followed with SF at the end of the date.

The problem with date night at home after the kids go to bed is you are usually exhausted and look like hell. I don't know many people who get dressed up and go out on dates at 9 o'clock at night. That is when most people are ready to go to bed. So a better time is around 6. My husband and I go out around 5:30 or 6 on our dates and return home several hours later.

The way my husband and I do this is schedule out our week every Sunday using this worksheet. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf

WE were all told that did not count, though, because you are not meeting all 4 needs. In order for it to be effective, one has to be together at a minimum of 2 hour block. ARe you sure you understood that correctly? I listened to the show yesterday and didn't hear that.

The one thing I do know about UA time, is that most people REFUSE to do it. Rather, they just do the same thing they were doing but they start "counting" anything and everything as UA time: "spoke on the phone = 15 minutes, passed in the hallway and said hi = 10 minutes, waved from the car = 5 minutes, sat on the couch like a zombie at 10pm and watched Walking Dead together = 1 hour..." See what I mean? That approach does not work.

Waht does work is going out on DATES when you are at your most energetic and looking your BEST. When we go out on dates, my make up looks nice, my hair is done, I dress nicely in clothes he likes. When we are flopped at the house, I wear a sloppy tshirt and crapola jeans with my crocs - and I am brain dead by 8:00. Hardly the setting for a HOT DATE.

Thanks Mel for clarifying things. I've forgotten how valuable it is to get involved with these discussions.

So, I'm trying to think of ways to get these guys 15 hours with a 6 year old and home and no money for a babysitter.

Looks like we're back to kid-swapping. MrsAJ - what were your thoughts on that? Any other resources (like church, extended families, etc.). Could you clean a trusted friend's home in exchange for some babysitting time?

It really is important, so all your creative juices have to be flowing for this one. And Mel is right (as usual); you can't just call it UA if it's not UA (with the 4 essential components).

opt

If the 6-year-old is a good sleeper you could just set up a babyphone and ask the neighbour to check in if the child should wake up.
Or take some hours of while the child is still at school.

I've heard Dr H say that they spent more money on babysitters than on the mortgage.

If you think about it, it makes good financial sense. Those who don't invest in their relationship end up paying dearly for a divorce and then after that they have to find the money to support two separate homes.

It is very important to try. I'm sure you can come up with something best of luck.

It is so very hard. I have 3 kids, 2 in school and a 10 month old. We are so broke, it is no joke. How can we justify paying a babysitter and go on a date when our water is about to be disconnected? We have no one to watch our kids almost every day so we can go on a "date". I know it is important but how do you get 15 hours minimum when you have 3 young children and absolutely no money or babysitter? What can we do? How can we accomplish UA time with all these obstacles?

The word 'justify' implies it is a luxury. It really isn't. In your circumstances you can't afford to get divorced and support two homes if you can't pay the water. Also, if your finances improve later on it will be no benefit if it is too late for your marriage.

My parents were working class and one income and got their UA time with three kids in spite of never even hearing about marriagebuilders. They just did it.

They did have some family support and they made sure we enjoyed these very important relationships. Also with god parents and close friends. They also made sure we had time at clubs and groups.

If it were me I would start up a small support network of parent friends.

If it is really hard then it is a priority problem to solve.

Prisca and markos have 6 kids.

When you are depressed, it is hard to see solutions.
If the other children are asleep, an 8-year-old can be put in front of the tv with potato chips and be "on watch", untill you come back at 20:30, provided that there is a neighbour he can call if the baby starts to cry and maybe the grandparents can call every half hour to hear if everything is ok.

Granted, it depends on the individual child and the other children should be more or less regular sleepers.

I have 5 children and the older ones have watched the little ones regularly. You just have to teach them how, so that they gain some experience and build the time up that they watch the children from 10 minutes to half an hour, to 2 hours and more while the little ones sleep.

Our children would be glad to be watching the little ones, because they would be allowed to eat ice cream and chips in front of the tv, so it was like their date night as well. With practice they became experienced babysitters.

We have also brought the babyphone to the neighbours, when everyone was quiet, asking to call us, if someone woke up.

Alternatively, we have taken one of our babies with us, because the child was a good sleeper and I was still breastfeeding. I would not recommend that with any child though, because as Dr. Harley says, you will want to spend time focussing on each other, not on the child at that particular time.

Surely there must be other people with the same problem so that you may also swap babysitting, or do something else for those people and they watch your kids.
On day dates you can sometimes leave the children at the babysitting service of the department store for a few hours (I don't know if they have that where you live).

And at night you can take a walk in the moonlight, as long as you pass by your house every now and then, to see if everything is quiet.

Come on, there are lots of possibilities, but you must be creative. One important thing is to schedule the kids sleeping times so you can plan your hours off. I love Anna Wahlgren's method. I read her book before the birth of my 3rd child and it made all the difference.
http://www.annawahlgren.com/index.php/view/english/anna-wahlgren

Good luck to you

My bad. They have 7 kids.