I started seeing a very nice lady late last year (met on eHarmony) and things seemed to going pretty good. Yesterday it appeared that we broke up before I left for home.

It is an LDR which in itself can be tough but I work out of my home and can take my computer to her place and she is a stay-at-home mom that home schools so she can visit me. So we do visits with her and her son sleeping in one room and me in another.

The problem I kept seeing with the relationship is in the link below. We would be together, everything seemed to be fine, and then out of the blue, she would not talk to me. She would sometimes go to her room and close the door, or just curl up in a chair and not say a word.

I just returned from a visit and experienced the above behavior several times. I try talking with her when it happens but I just don't seem to get answers. She is extremely introverted (which is fine) but I sometimes wonder if she has trouble getting close to people. She truly has absolutely no friends and is not close to anyone in her family (including her parents). Her life is just her and her son.

I asked her once a while back (in just a general conversation) if she has ever seen a therapist on anything. (I was very upfront in that I have gone to a therapist when things bother me). Anyway, her response was she doesn't like therapists because he parents kept sending her to them when she was young. She did not elaborate why they sent her and I wish I would have asked.

Yesterday before I left she was very quiet again. So I felt we had to try to talk (again) and I approached her on it. She finally told me she was wondering how long we could keep the LDR up as neither one of us are ready to relocate yet (I won't relocate because I want to near my children). I told her I have thought about the same thing with the LDR and how long we could keep it up. The conversation went downhill quickly after that and she told me in anger to just go home. So I packed up, and as I was leaving, she came out crying. At this point, I felt terrible. We talked some more and both felt I should leave as our emotions were very raw.

Anyway, this all sucks. Maybe the relationship just ran its course.

Sorry for the rambling post. I thought she was the one....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2811591#Post2811591

Sorry to hear things didn't turn out. Hope you're doing ok.

Did she ever get an evaluation from a clinical psychologist?

Sorry BHINWI. Long distance relationships are difficult and probably aren't that successful due to not being able to maintain 15 hours of UA a week. I know it's still hurts and sorry for that.

These two things conflict.

It sounds like she was ready for more of a commitment from you that you were unwilling to give.

KeepLearning,

Thanks for listening. It will take some time but I will be ok. I just need to work through this.

We agreed to talk today and I am going to call her later. I am going to be very candid with her on the mood swings and ask her some tough questions. During a previous visit, she told me that she is very emotional and it affects her mood. She also told me once that her mood swings ended a relationship years ago. (She said her BF could not handle it.)

No evaluation from a clinical psychologist that I know of. But I may bring that up today when we talk.

It also could just be that things weren't working for her in our relationship. She could have been questioning things internally and it comes out with her change in mood. I know the LDR situation was much harder than either of us imagined. Also, I really noticed yesterday when she was asking about where things were going, it was almost as she wanted ME to break it off so the burden would be on my shoulders.

It really stinks though. She is very sweet, kind and so pretty. I just with things were different with all of this.

Relationships can be so complicated at times.....

You also sound pretty disrespectful.

Prisca,

I should have added that we talked about the relocation issue up front months ago before we physically met. The agreement was that she would move here if things worked out.

I also let her know that when my son graduates from high school, then I will be more free to move when he goes to college.

In what way?

What a way to woo her!
You should just move on if you are going to treat her with such disrespect and demands that she get help.

Do you have the book Lovebusters? I suggest you get it and read it -- I suspect your lovebusting behavior has played a role in the demise of this relationship. Also check out Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders.

Prisca,

You are right. I should not bring up a clinical psychologist. That would be extremely insulting and I would be upset if someone suggested that to me. Thanks for pointing that out.

We agreed to talk today though. I don't want to beat a dead horse and drag things out but what do I say to her? An example of her mood swings was during the last visit, we would spend an hour alone together in the mornings while her son slept. It was very loving and caring and an hour later, she is curled up in a chair and won't talk to me. (And this has happened several times). How do I get her to talk to me about that? Or do I even try?

I am lost on all of this so I welcome advice.

Hi Prisca, in case you hadn't read BHINWI's earlier thread (linked above), Dr. Harley recommended that she should be seen either by a clinical psychologist or neurologist, here. The tricky part is how BHINWI should translate Dr. Harley's recommendation to her in a respectful way.

"Mood swings" are normal (especially for a woman, and even more especially for an introverted woman!) and not a psychological problem.

If you cannot accept that there will be times of silence, then she is not the one for you.

If you would like to continue a relationship with this woman, I suggest you stop all analytical behavior and trying to make her something she is not. I also suggest you make more of a commitment to her -- you've been dating for a year now, and it sounds like she is ready for more. She's upset because she doesn't see where this relationship is going, and she's even more upset because YOU don't see where it is going. She needs more of a commitment -- along the lines of it leading to marriage -- or there is no point in continuing the relationship.

Prisca,

I have to defend myself on that comment. I have always been very kind and respectful to her and I KNOW she would tell you the same. We spend lots of time together during our visits, I buy things for her, compliment her, hold doors, etc. She also said she loves how I treat her son. During my last visit, I brought a bunch of tools and fixed everything in her house that was broken. I even climbed up on the roof and replaced shingles. I do those things because I care about her and I want to be a good partner.

I was wrong on the psychologist comment so thanks for correcting me. We are going to talk today. What do you suggest?

He can't. There is simply no respectful way for HIM to do that.

All that's great, but all it takes is one disrespectful comment or action to destroy all those lovebank deposits. Have you read Lovebusters?

Prisca - Saw your last post. Also take a look at what Dr. Harley recommends.

BHINWI, I agree with Prisca that bringing up Dr. Harley's recommendation is likely to backfire. Still, think about his final statement,

It's hard to know what to do here.

I see Dr. Harley's recommendation. The problem is, you do not KNOW that she has a problem. All you know is that she has mood swings, which seem somewhat odd to you. She may have a problem, or she may not. If all you were to read was what you posted in this thread alone, she sounds quite normal.

You cannot tell her to get help. It would be disrespectful and demanding and very likely would not go over well. Dr. Harley could tell her to get help. Or one of us, if she were here posting. But you cannot.

You can let her know that these silences bother you. You could ask her if she were willing to do anything about them.

If her answer is no, then move on.

Prisca,
I am sorry but it seems that I have struck a nerve with you. I am truly trying to do my best in this situation.

I know what mood swings are. We all have them. But if you read my earlier posts her mood swings are beyond anything I have seen. She has ended up in the fetal position on my couch during one and would not talk to me or her son (I made him dinner that night because she wasn't even talking to him and he is just 10 years old).

I know it isn't my job to fix her and perhaps she doesn't need fixing. I just want to know what is going on when I find her sitting in a room and not talking to me when minutes before we are kissing on her couch. She tells me she is emotional (and that is fine) but at what point is it her emotions or something else?

I will ask her today about how she feels about our relationship in general. But she has to know that when she is happy one minute, and not talking to me the next, it is placing a lot of strain and uncertainty on me.

I have not read Lovebusters but I did read His Needs Her Needs a while back. It was a good book.