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markos #2816215 08/21/14 10:34 PM
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Oh I did read all those. They are very good. Actually I cried through most of them.

markos #2816216 08/21/14 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: MarieMab
Not yet I have spent too much time on this forum but I will over the next few days.


I'm glad to see you answering questions. smile


Me too!

markos #2816254 08/22/14 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted By: markos
By the way, the radio show repeats every hour, so you can listen to each day's show at any time. It repeats hourly until the next day's show. That's 23 replays for most shows, and 72 hours worth of replays of Friday's show through the weekend. Plenty of time to tune in and your convenience and sit in marriage class with Dr. Harley.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html
You can use the free mobile apps to listen to the show on your smartphone. The app lets you pause and rewind, so you won't miss a thing. It's a great way to listen in your car. Just do a search for "marriage builders" in your device's App Store.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2816291 08/22/14 11:33 AM
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Welcome back marie.. Glad you decided to stay. I pray for you and your hubby to have a full recovery of your marriage.

It will be up to you to do much of the heavy lifting but it will be worth it. I promise. Follow he plan here and listen to the good folks. They will not steer you wrong.

MNG

mrEureka #2816292 08/22/14 11:33 AM
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There is something Dr. Harley often says to wayward spouses on the radio show - "If you could have the same feelings for your spouse that you had for your affair partner, would you be interested?" Imagine, all the excitement and fun with absolutely none of the guilt. Who wouldn't be interested?

You see, Marriage Builders is not about denying the need for romance in our lives. It is not about guilt. It is not about establishing a bunch of rules to keep wayward spouses in line and force them to accept lesser relationships with their present spouses. What it is about is building great marriages. In order to survive an affair, a marriage has to be better after the affair than it ever was before. It is typical for somebody in your position to see no hope for such an outcome. But it can happen. It can be done. I know. My wife and I did it. You can too. Let us show you the way.

So please, get Drew3rd back on his thread, and let's get to work helping you guys.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2816314 08/22/14 12:07 PM
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Marie -- it takes courage for a WS to come here seeking help.
I applaud you for that.

The good people here want only to guide you to a recovered marriage!

When you said you cried reading the articles, it gave me hope that you are starting to see...

There's nothing better than earning the "F" as a former wayward!

Lexxxy #2816347 08/22/14 05:46 PM
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Thank you for the kind words. I know I came here very defensive because I was so hurt over the cheaterville site but just like my husband is working to restore our marriage I want to do the same. I am sure it was just tough love which I know I deserve but I was running on no sleep no food and I wanted to take my bitterness out somewhere. I apologize for being ugly. I usually not like that.

MarieMab #2816348 08/22/14 05:48 PM
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Will Drew come back and post?

Can you tell us what you're doing to work on recovery?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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We are seeing a counsler and spending every moment that we have together. I have tried to make whatever apologies I could and admitted how selfish and horrible I have behaved. My husband is doing all the right things for me. We pray together and talk openly about how our behaviors have hurt each other.

Prisca #2816350 08/22/14 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Which of the following has been done? What is left to do?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.


_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



Marie,

Please tell us which things on this list have been accomplished and what progress you are making in those things that are not yet done.

When and how was your last contact with OM? You have been asked this question several times and have not answered. It is very important. Every contact continues the affair and prevents even the tiniest progress towards recovery.

AM

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
MarieMab #2816351 08/22/14 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted By: MarieMab
We are seeing a counsler and spending every moment that we have together. I have tried to make whatever apologies I could and admitted how selfish and horrible I have behaved. My husband is doing all the right things for me. We pray together and talk openly about how our behaviors have hurt each other.


These things can be lovely, but are not a strategic plan towards marital recovery. Actually, seeing a counselor can be more harmful than helpful. It can become a time to just complain about each other's shortcomings and how each of you has hurt the other. What a miserable time! Please address the checklist in the above post.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2816353 08/22/14 06:04 PM
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In addition to armymama's questions please listen to these.
Beware of Bad Counselors

Will Drew come back and post?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



armymama #2816356 08/22/14 06:23 PM
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I talked to the guy after my husband posted us on cheaterville and contacted his ex girl friend. I have absolutely no feelings left for this man and it was not a "reconnection" or anything of the sort. He was working his own angle which I recognized and I have told my husband the entire thing. I have talked to the ex girlfriend and told her the truth. He will never contact me again because I am not going to do anything to help his sorry cause. I am a nurse I have no option to work day shift at this point but my husband and I text several times a night. I will happily change everything but when I tell you there is no reason to i being totally honest. We do spend all of our time together and he knows where I am 100% of the time. He controls the money so he knows what I spend always.

MarieMab #2816361 08/22/14 06:50 PM
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Marie,

Am I understanding correctly that you contacted the OM about one week ago? You called or emailed him?

Please know that I ask this question because it is important. In our case, my H contacted the OW via email and telephone about 16 months after D-day. THAT act by itself nearly ended our marriage. However, today my H and I are not only still married, but are very much in love.

You have written that you don't see a reason to change "everything". However, to recover a marriage, the conditions that led to the affair must be eliminated. If not, you and your husband are likely to suffer additional affairs - either you again or him in the future.

What things can you do so that you and your husband work the same shifts? In our location, nurses are always in demand and often can find employment working the shifts they desire. Why is that not possible for you?

AM

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
armymama #2816363 08/22/14 07:01 PM
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The OM contacted me. And it was within the week but I told my husband about the entire thing. I understand what you are saying about changing everything but when I tell you the OM has no use for me at this point since I am the only one who has exposed him for the dirtbag he is. I will do it if my husband feels more comfortable but we are two months from exposure and the first contact was to only to attempt to cover his own behind. The job market in the western new york stinks which is what made me travel to begin with. I am in grad school and will finish in the next 18 months which will give me a lot more flexibility.

MarieMab #2816364 08/22/14 07:08 PM
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and to address the concern about our counseling...we see an assistant minister in which we do homework from the bible. There is no complaining or griping involved. It is mostly encouraging us to work on our spiritual walk.

MarieMab #2816376 08/22/14 08:04 PM
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When will you stop working nights?

Have ALL conditions that allowed the affair been eliminated?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Have you changed all contact information? Been tested for STD/I?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



MarieMab #2816378 08/22/14 08:07 PM
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Originally Posted By: MarieMab
The OM contacted me. And it was within the week but I told my husband about the entire thing. I understand what you are saying about changing everything but when I tell you the OM has no use for me at this point since I am the only one who has exposed him for the dirtbag he is. I will do it if my husband feels more comfortable but we are two months from exposure and the first contact was to only to attempt to cover his own behind.


That is a door that is left wide open. As long as the OM is free to contact you, then resumption of the affair is likely. If you are serious about ending your affair, then all avenues of contact should be removed. He has already shown you he will contact you, so this makes me question how serious you really are.

Saying you told your husband about contact completely misses the point. If an alcoholic "tells" her spouse she had a drink will she be any less sober? Of course not.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: MarieMab
The OM contacted me. And it was within the week but I told my husband about the entire thing. I understand what you are saying about changing everything but when I tell you the OM has no use for me at this point since I am the only one who has exposed him for the dirtbag he is. I will do it if my husband feels more comfortable but we are two months from exposure and the first contact was to only to attempt to cover his own behind.


That is a door that is left wide open. As long as the OM is free to contact you, then resumption of the affair is likely. If you are serious about ending your affair, then all avenues of contact should be removed. He has already shown you he will contact you, so this makes me question how serious you really are.

Saying you told your husband about contact completely misses the point. If an alcoholic "tells" her spouse she had a drink will she be any less sober? Of course not.


This is a basic EP. Why hasn't this been done?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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