I am trying to figure that out. She does not like to talk about it and has volunteered little. Most of what I find out comes from my persistent questioning. I really wish she would open up on her own she claims to have ended it herself and said she never looked back. She did treat me badly most of the following 20 years with anger issues. I suspect it eased her quilt to find things to be angry with me about. I have almost as much difficulty with that as I do with the affair. I guess I still don't know yet so can't answer your question.

Cnorm, please stop questioning her about this. It seems that you know about the year-long affair and who it was with. You know the major details. You need to concentrate now on contacting OMW and finishing your exposure. The checklist for how affairs should end and how recovery should begin (posted by someone else above) gives all the steps that should be taken. Talking about the affair and asking your wife about her feelings then or now is not on the list.

If you continue to bring this up you will harm your marriage and recovery. It is a subject that your wife does not want to talk about any more, for obvious reasons. Bringing it up and forcing to her reflect on her feelings is a form of punishment for her, and punishment has no place in marital recovery.

Point is well taken. Lately I have spent much time trying to put myself in her shoes and proceed from an empathetic point point of view. At the same time I am trying to deal with the constant images in my mind as well as trying to relearn who she really is. I somehow need to learn to trust her or I don't see how I can have a fulfilling relationship with her. I guess since I don't understand how someone can lie so effectively to someone they are supposed to love. I didn't mention before, but I am just retiring as a commercial pilot, so was away from my home lots. She would have had constant opportunities since I was halfway around the world lots of times. It sometimes seems I am just supposed to say it's OK and get over it. Somehow I doubt I would be given such a free pass if it were me who strayed.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
If not, order it ASAP

I know just how you feel. We as BH have to basically forgive at some point, and stop bringing it up. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
In my case I love my wife, and I want to keep my family together, so as long as she has stopped cheating, I will move on. (Move on with my W)

Great book. Please get this book. (I'm on p.208 I'm a slow reader)
I have it on my iPad. You can buy it right from your apple.
You can probably do the same on Android or Kindle.

CNorm,

Did you consider giving your WW a polygraph? You could offer to get one for yourself as well if she suspects you fooled around with stewardesses or something. One way is to write down a comprehensive list of questions and then have her answer the questions before the test, the test then determines if she answered the list truthfully.

Another approach is to ask your WW to write a journal of what happened, I suspect in the end this is what my WW would be most likely to do to avoid having to tell me face to face.

A variation on that is texting questions or instant messenger.

For now I'm planning on having another face to face meeting with OM2, after that speaking with the other witnesses to WW's affair.

Were there others who knew of your WWs affair at that time, or anyone your WW confessed to before she confessed to you?

There is a possibility OM confessed to his W already and she will fill in some of the details for you.

God Bless
Gamma

This affair was so long ago that we have no contact with any people who may have been involved or knew anything. WW has amnesia whenever convenient, and her work life was kept so separate from me that I only knew one or two of her friends from that environment and have not been able to locate them.

This whole thing has me rather soured on the notion of marriage. With the extraordinary measures we are advised to take such as changing addresses, careers, etc., it seems we virtually have to keep each other under lock and key to assure we don't stray. Almost makes it sound like I would have no shot at a marriage in my career as a pilot. I really thought humans were a bit higher on the food chain. If I can't trust someone to be out of my sight, I don't think there is really a relationship anyway. I have been married twice, and both of them cheated on me. I have had many women hit on me over the course of this marriage, but something kept me from acting....it's wrong...because I'm married...I made a promise. Oh, and I also have this tendency to think things through before I act. I'm sure this was a quality my thousands of passengers appreciated over the past 40 years. Sorry for the rant, but I guess I just expected better.

Sir,
I'm sorry you were married to cheating women.
I agree that it can seem like...Whats the point if I have to be a probation officer to be married???
Charles Lindbergh would have never crossed the Atlantic because his wife could have cheated...and astronauts could never leave the Earth because their wives may cheat....

and Yet, Dr. Harley's recommendations to never spend a night apart from your spouse builds healthy marriages.
Your system hasn't worked.

But your marriage can be repaired and better than ever. After reading Surviving an Affair, read Dr. Harley's other books: Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs. If you follow the program laid out in these books, and your wife is willing to do the same, your marriage will change and you will both fall in love again.

Now that you are retired, make it a point to spend at least 20 hours of time together (Undivided Attention time we call it.) Do things you both like and bring romance back into your life.
If you can do this, your resentment will fade over time, and she will become a happier wife.

My system?

Yes, sir. Your system, or philosophy of being able to trust your spouse while spending nights apart has not worked.

Understand. I'm afraid that my philosophy is that if I am with someone so uncommitted, then perhaps I married the wrong person. I want someone who will remember their promise on those days that aren't so good (and life is full of those days). I always told my sons that if they told the truth all the time, I could believe them all the time, but if they told the truth some of the time, I could never believe them. I was hoping this would be a lesson in character, because character matters.
I guess what I'm saying is, if I can't trust her to be out of my sight, and if marriage is so fundamentally fragile, I'd rather not be married. It seems I have put so much effort into a losing proposition, and my last 30+ years have been based on a lie. I worked very hard on this for many years, but if being gone a few nights a month is enough to be considered proximate cause for her to stray, well let's just say I certainly wouldn't want to have had co-pilots this untrustworthy. If we construct a system (in this case, marriage) and there are constant failures of that system across different environments, then perhaps the problem is with the system.
Sorry, but what about integrity?
By the way, sometimes electronic communication fails to capture mood or intent, so please don't think I am being hostile. I truly appreciate the discourse and thank you for your willingness to help me through this.

To all interested, I have been trying to make contact with OMW, but no success thus far. Either they have not been home, or are screening calls, and I don't think leaving a VM is in good taste. Thinking of sending a letter instead. Thoughts on that? Not really certain of proper etiquette for this situation.

CNorm, I would ask you to rethink your paradigm about marriage. A marriage is made fundamentally fragile when one spouse engages in certain activities, such as traveling jobs. The divorce rate in marriages of pilots, deployed military personnel and other traveling occupations is astronomical.

It is not a lack of trust that destroys marriages, but a lack of boundaries.

In order to sustain the love in a marriage [and I mean romantic love, not caring love] one must spend at least 15 hours a week meeting each others needs. That time should be spread out over the week, versus in big blocks. Additionally, a couple needs to sleep together every night to feel bonded and attached. When that doesn't happen, they lose that emotional attachment and the marriage is in trouble. When they lose that emotional attachment, it is very easy for someone else to meet those needs and the next thing you know, an affair is borne.

Most of the thousands of affairs you see here on this forum were committed by people who claimed they were very committed and would "never have an affair." They are usually the most vulnerable because they believe they are immune. As such, they do not observe appropriate boundaries.

My point is that a marriage is MADE fundamentally fragile when precautions are not taken to avoid an affair.

I agree that leaving a VM is not in good taste. And a letter might get intercepted. My suggestion would be to keep trying to call but disguise your # using *67. If that doesn't work, could you send her a private message on Facebook? Maybe send her a message asking her to call you when she is alone.

here

here

Sir,
I sympathize with your situation.
I've been in a similar situation; however, the couples that follow Dr. Harley's program on here (there are several) report very happy romantic marriages.

OM became CFO of a large multi-national company an as such, they are protective of personal information. No social media that I can find, and other info hard to access. Guess I'll have to "get my deceive on" if I am to make contact. Thanks

Can you call OMW and disguise your number with *67, like ML mentioned?