I wasn't aware answering your questions was defensive. Melody, you type in a very unpleasant and hostile tone. You may be very knowledgable but when you are so angry it makes my WW not want to be here. I am really trying to get her to embrace SAA but you make her dig in and refuse. Please try to season your words. My wife can handle hard truths but no one likes getting trashed when they are attempting to do right

Yes, you do come across as very defensive and sarcastic. Keep in mind that you are the one who is here in need of help, Drew. No one here has to help you. So you might want to cool your entitled tone if you want help.

This is bizarre. You came here for help and were given it, and your wife has been given much help and support today, and now you have joined up and attacked the posters who helped you!

Is this a joke?

Brain, I screwed up. I thought you expose the cheaters. I did take her down that day. Then the girlfriend was dragged in later that day and I had to take him down. It was a disaster. I know you all performed flawlessly but I've made some mistakes. Fortunately it destroyed his love bank and my wife is working on recovery.. Anything for that would be greatly appreciated.

My point is your WW comes on here and blasts the forum for you doing this and then she's being very rude to all of us trying to help. She doesn't act like she wants help at all.

Let's reset. I need insight on how recovery works now that the WW has ended the affair and has embraced recovery?

Good enough. In order to BEGIN RECOVERY, she needs to follow the checklist in addition to finding a day job. It is critical to the recovery of your marriage that you work the same shifts so you can a) sleep together and b) create integrated lifestyles. Couples who work opposite shifts live parallel lives that prevent intimacy.

Did you get the book Survivng an Affair? If not, I would get that and start by affair proofing your marriage:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

For starters, she needs to change all her contact information. The EP list has been posted to both of you multiple times and ML just posted it again. Which steps have been complete?

Melody, thank you. That was very helpful. I see the wisdom of the same shifts. I am going to work that out somehow. The 20 hours UA appears to be the key. Is that righti? We do have SAA and she has read it too. I just wanted to hear from someone who's actually done it.

His girlfriend was a VICTIM of his affair. She was not a perpetrator. There was no shame for her to bear. If somebody posted her name and said "this is the woman he is cheating on", that was not an attack on her. There was no need for you to take his name down and you have helped HIM, not her, by doing so.

You are both blaming this site for something that deserves no blame. You posted your wife on the site when nobody here told you to do that, and she came here yesterday all guns blazing, claiming that this had destroyed the progress you were making in your marriage: "I was just starting to feel hopeful that we could work things out and now I feel like everything we have accomplished was not real". Today, after we gave her links to MB resources and told her about Dr H's plan for recovery, she said "Thank you for the kind words. I know I came here very defensive because I was so hurt over the cheaterville site but just like my husband is working to restore our marriage I want to do the same. I am sure it was just tough love which I know I deserve but I was running on no sleep no food and I wanted to take my bitterness out somewhere. I apologize for being ugly. I usually not like that."

Now, all of sudden, after she is pushed about how recently OM was able to contact her, you both turn ugly and attack the very posters who helped you. Suddenly the problem in your marriage seems not to be your wife's affair and very recent contact with OM - contact that is still possible until she changes her phone number - and her working opposite shifts from you, which leaves the door wide open for other people to meet both your emotional needs.

Suddenly the problem in your marriage is us!

Exactly! But it won't create an integrated lifestyle if you work opposite shifts, so changing that will be key.


What questions do you have?

Brain, of the list we have not changed her phone number and we cannot change her school's email. I've are changing the phone, her email is tied to her student I'd somehow..the other thing Melody pointed out is the nightshift thing. I am going to work that out.

Sugar, I am friends with his gf. She begged me to take it down. She was mortified.

Melody, I don't know all that I don't know. Anything you guys can think of that would fall under best practices would be great.

I am sorry you did that. That didn't help her in the least. She should be mortified that she is hooked up with a cheater. It might be painful for her to see it, but the value it creates for HIM far outweighs her discomfort.

Whether she is mortified or not, it was perfectly fair of you to post on a site the fact that that this man had attacked your marriage. For goodness sake, he had an affair with your wife. That could have ended in divorce and a broken family for your children. He behaved immorally towards you and your kids.

You did nothing wrong by telling people the truth about what he did. It's a pity that his girlfriend was "mortified" about being identified as another of his victims, but that does not mean that you should have come here and attacked us in turn for recommending cheaterville.

Committing an act that has the potential to break up a marriage and leave your children with a broken family is a serious offence, I think, and you did the right thing to tell the world about this immoral man. If you let his weeping girlfriend talk you out of standing up for your family I feel sorry for you. Taking his name down was the wrong thing to do, not putting it up.

Man up and protect your family! Fight this predator and keep him away!

The most critical first steps would be to shut down any and all avenues of contact he knows about and take other steps to affair proof your marriage. Just go down the checklist.

The next key step, of course, is to get you both on the day shift.

Sugar, you are right. Melody, thank you. I am going to sign off but I will keep in touch.. You guys have proven you know what you are talking about.

Drew, if you really want to ignore the best help on this site, there's an ignore button you can click to ignore specific users.

From my 4+ years of experience on this forum, I can tell you that arguing with posters on this site is never helpful to rebuilding a marriage.

Drew, do you and your wife fight each other a lot? Because she is fighting with nearly everyone on the forum, including people who could be a great help to her.

Fighting is devastating to a marriage. It is like nuclear warfare. Mutually assured destruction. Noone wins.

One of the things we do here is help people learn to NEVER fight in their marriage.

I mention it because you and your wife seem very combative.