We are approaching the second year of our third separation. We have "dated" for the past few months in an attempt to save the marriage. She wants to reconcile and live together, I have been the one who says no. The verbal abuse, name calling and destructive behavior have destroyed my feelings and trust. The sad fact is that the feelings are not there. So I believe it is time. My problem is I am averse to causing other people harm. I have been called a gentle soul. I guess it's true.

How do I end it?

Ending it is easy. Hire a lawyer.

The real question is should you end it. Saying you are "a gentle soul" reads more like "a conflict avoider" to me. There is no "nice guy" way to break up your marriage. If you have made this decision, then own it. Don't try to dress it up into something noble.

Don't cause harm - just divorce without a fight. Don't even talk to her or be around her more than you have to. Let the lawyers handle it all. Talk to your lawyer and tell them what you want and get them to make it happen, as much as the law will allow.

As mrE said, ending it really is easy. What makes it hard is when you try to talk with your spouse about it. It'll become a fight and make everybody miserable. If that were not true, you'd be able to resolve your differences and have a good marriage and you wouldn't be in this boat.

I think that markos is correct, you are really averse to conflict. Which is why your life is in this mess. Avoiding conflict causes more conflict. That is a character shortcoming that can be overcome by addressing conflict as it occurs and making necessary changes. It sounds like it is well past that time now.

Thanks to all.

I never described myself as a gentle soul. Someone else did, I just agreed. I appreciate all of your replies, because they do hold truth. I am also admitting I am a procrastinator.

Thanks again.

So what are you going to do?

Married 20 years together for 25 years. Husband has greatly disappoint me, by being a people pleaser and putting others first. I feel unloved, unimportant and not honoured as a wife.

I am lonely and unhappy and as a Christian now have a great connection with a Muslim Man at work who makes me happy and smile again. I am lost and don't know what to do. I really love this guy. The guy want a relationship, but I told him I cannot cheat its not in me. He is upset about that. Sometimes I don't think it is fear to have a relationship with one person. To die knowing one man, and there are other men who can make you happier than you are.

My husband is my first and only love from teenagers. I know no other man. We have 2 children. Don't want to go down the divorce route. Help!!!!!

Do not spend time alone with the guy from work.
As a matter of fact.....find a new job.
I commend you for not crossing a physical sexual line with the coworker. You have already crossed several important boundaries with him though that have put you in a dreadful place. You are in the danger zone of deceit and cruelty towards your husband.

Do not spend time alone talking with men who are not your husband.

Tell your husband about your situation,that you have gotten involved with a coworker.

The coworker is a creep. He seems wonderful but, in reality, he simply can not be so. He is preying on a vulnerable married woman. How horrible.

Anyway.

Reveal your situation to your husband and he WILL be upset but if he truly IS a people pleaser, will go out of his way to work Marriage Builder plans to save and fix the marriage.

Your husband IS your best chance of happiness.

Is this co-worker married?

I'm ready to end this. I live in Frederick, Md. and I am hoping that someone can recommend a relatively reasonable family attorney.

Do you know anyone that lives around you whose been divorced?

LKRides,
Have you read He Wins She Wins by Dr. Harley?
I think it's one of his best books yet. In your case I believe it would help you negotiate your divorce settlement with more understanding and hopefully a better result. If you are like I was during my divorce, it was extremely emotional and I did not make all the right decisions.
This book helped me a lot in dealing with my anxiety about negotiating/confrontation.

~Optimism

The purpose of the book is to resolve marital conflict, not to use in negotiating a divorce.
In cases of divorce, Dr. Harley typically recommends no contact with the former spouse for at least 2 years.
Most people are understandably too emotionally invested to act as neutral mediators in dealing with their husband or wife and need an attorney to fill this need.