My husband has agreed to see a marriage counsellor eventually. It is a requirement under law to see a marriage counsellor before applying for a divorce in this country, as the counsellor needs to sign a certificate saying that the marriage has broken down irretrievably. My H has said that either way (whether he chooses to seek a divorce, or stay and work for the marriage)we will need to see a counsellor. But he also says he is not ready yet. On the other hand, with each passing day, my own desire to work on this marriage, and work on forgiveness wanes. How do I get him to go NOW?

Okay. First, have you been married for less than 2 years? I thought counselling was only compulsory if that was the case?<BR>See this site<BR> <A HREF="http://www.lawsocnsw.asn.au/legalhelp/answers/marriage/10.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.lawsocnsw.asn.au/legalhelp/answers/marriage/10.html</A> <P>Or maybe things are different in the West where I live, counselling is not compulsory for us, but we've been married 11 years. <P>Anyway ... you can't make him go. In my experience, trying to force a partner to go to counselling doesn't work, and just causes more conflict. IMO, the best thing is to seek out counselling and start going yourself ... this often triggers off the other partner to agree, if they see you really willing - and hey, if not, it is really valuable for yourself. Relationships Aust. is one really valuable resource, but you probably know of places around your area. They have a really good website on relationship issues also (although it's not working tonight for some reason - try it tomorrow - lots of good relationship advice):<BR> <A HREF="http://www.relationships.com.au/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.relationships.com.au/</A> <P> (just love these icons!)<P>

sosad is right! You can't force your H to do anything he doesn't realize is right for him!<P>You have to start working on <B>you</B> first. This is so hard... since you know you are not a fault (as much as he is anyway!) I don't know how deep you're into the Harley methods, but continuing with Plan A makes sense to me. Build on yourself. Build for yourself (you'll be doing for him as well.) Build yourself! A good person can always be made better... a "not so good" person has to start off slower!<P>His not talking to you is so very typical... not easy to deal with... but very typical! All you can do is be as honest with him as you can when he does comes back to talk... but do so in a very <B>non</B>-lovebusting way! In time he will respect your non-lovebusting honesty! He will only resent and despise angry words... hurtful words... <P>Prayers from here! <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Hi sosad, it's you again.<P>Yep, we've been married less than two years. We've been defacto for about 8 yrs before that. We got married because my H wanted me and any subsequent children to have his name. To us, the commitment was always there, but the ceremony just formalised it.<P>Yep, I've started counselling too. He went once, said it wasn't for him and hasn't gone back since. Me? Well I'm going weekly. It does help, though sometimes I come out more confused.<P>Thanks for the links. I'll check them out l8r. What are you doing still up? Can't sleep? Me neither. I love the peace and quiet that the middle of the night brings. It's sooo serene. Very good for thinking.<P>By the way, I'm in NSW.<P>

Thanks NSR. It comforts me to know that his not talking to me is typical. Somehow I thought he was blaming me for his actions. I now try to think of it as him having trouble facing me, acknowledging the pain he caused, and saying he is sorry. Am i right?<P>And yes, I am trying to re-build within. You're right, it can only help.

Hey, what are you talking about? You're up later than me!!! I've got another couple of hours to catch up on you!! I get stuck here, reading posts and chatting with everyone who is just getting up - I've worked out I'm about 13 hrs ahead of CST, which most people who post here seem to run on, or around. I just keep on thinking, I'll read one more.... it's addictive here ... you make friends, it becomes more than just a place to vent about infidelity .... I mean, my situation has moved from there, but I can't seem to drag myself away from this place!!!!<P>I guess counselling is compulsory for you then, if you've been married for less than 2. What a bummer, being married for such a short time, and to have this happen ... but I guess, being defacto for 8 years is kinda just like being married. My H's first EA began only a couple of years into our marriage, but took a couple of years to turn sexual. Wish I had the chance to work on things then, because we would have sorted a lot of things out, or not have been together, and I wouldn't have 3 hurting kids .... mind you, I wouldn't trade them for the world. But I didn't know about that affair until recently.

Oh, by the way, my kids are with their dad tonight for an overnight stay - that's why I'm here, trying to get some positive vibes, to blot out my sadness at wanting to be a family with him again. I miss him sooooooo much, and feel so much love for him when I see him, weird I know after all this, but, you gotta be honest!!!!!<P>Went to the gym earlier, but there's only so much exercise one can do without killing oneself!! It helps to blot out the pain though - and I was a former "exercise avoider at all cost" kind of person. I figured, if this marital stuff doesn't kill me, what harm can a bit of exercise do? And one side effect, is that I look pretty good these days, and I KNOW he sees it too!!!!!!!

Hey sosad-<BR>Know what you mean about it being addictive. But it's more than that too. It's like coming home, like being with a whole group of good friends who've been where you are. It's like taking a long, hot bubble bath in candle light with your favorite piece of music playing. It's relaxing.<P>I find I come on, and keep going until I'm sure sleep won't elude me. Otherwise, I'd be tossing and turning all night long.<P>It's pretty cool, him noticing your new, post-discovery body. I'm sure that everytime he sees you and notices, he wonders to himself if he's made the right choice. So the seeds of doubt have been sown, now they need time to grow.<P>Your patience and positive outlook are such inspiration for us newbies. Thanks.<P>Off to bed I go...ho ho.

Good night to you, and good night to me!!<P>Oh, and good morning to all you other folks!!<P>