Hi,
I posted briefly a couple of years ago, old thread here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=166015&Number=2604127#Post2604127I have another question, if any of you want to give their viewpoints/advice.
I read BRF. I've read many threads here. I now have a much clearer understanding of the important distinction between being married or not.
Things went from bad to worse, and we separated shortly after those posts. My health was suffering - I was getting little sleep, and was not functioning well at all. I let him know that I wanted us to resolve our conflicts in ways that would be good for both of us, that I wanted an ongoing relationship with him, and that I was not willing to keep living with the intolerable situation as it was. He was very angry about me insisting that he leave.
I have worked at my own angry outbursts, partly by practicing relaxation, partly by learning - from here amongst otehr places - more about other ways to respond to circumstances I find frustrating. Much improvement, but not completely eliminated yet.
Unfortunately, much as I wanted to, I couldn't figure out how to have no contact after the separation. If he was willing and able to change his habits to eliinate the abuse and neglect, I would be interested in building a relationship with him with a view to possible formal commitment f we can learn better habits. There is little sign that could happen, and despite being drawn to him when he is friendly, I am clear that there is no point in resuming a relationship if he is not interested in changing his habits.
The children are mostly with me, but have regular time with him too. I think they both found him leaving our household difficult. They are 6 and 8 years now. I don't have much time for dating, but I have been on a small number of dates in the last few months - none at all in the first nearly two years. None that looks like its going anywhere much yet.
My question is this: How could I now apply the principle that the children deserve to know about things that affect their lives? From the beginning, I tried not to criticise their chn's father in front of them, though sometimes it leaked. I wanted to encourage their relationship with him, which I saw as important. Having read more here, I would now like them to have a clearer picture of why we are not all living together. I understand that I have not set up a good situation for them and that I have not modelled how to have a good marriage, though I think separating was better for them than continuing in active conflict.
They already know that we argued badly, and they hated it, and that I acknowledge that my own angry outbursts were a problem. I can't remember precisely what I have said to them in the past, but I think I might have said something like that I wanted us to stay together and be friendly to each other, but that he wanted to be mean to me, and it hurt me too much. Maybe that is enough?
As far as I know, he has not acknowleged that anything he did was a problem. He has lied about me to my face; I think it is likely that he has lied to others. I don't know what he said to the chn, other than that I didn't want him to live with us anymore.
Which if any of these things do they need to hear from me?:
He did not want to marry (and at the time I didn't realise how important that was).
He was not prepared to spend more than a tiny amount of time with me (UA). Parents need to spend time together to be happy with each other.
He was constantly putting me down.
He kept making decisions himself, without consulting me.
He was not safe for me to sleep with.
Or should I leave it be and say no more?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
