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So this is my first time on any sort of forum, But Im desperate to talk to someone, any one really who wants to listen and give advice.
about 6 months ago I nearly ruined my marraige. I was the one who betrayed my husbands trust with a coworker. As horrible as it was when I told him about what happened, we are sticking it out.
I have put up with alot of expected anger from him which I totally understand and deserve. I have leant my lesson a very hard way and have found such an appreciation and love for him that it hurts.
We have been going pretty well and things started to seem that they were getting better and easier every day...and last night out of no where he brings it up again and wants to go back through all the details.
I dont know what I can do to continue moving forward and I dont know how to help him. I wish I could really make him understand what he means to me and keep moving forward! I am struggling with the whole thing and the worst part is it is not my right to be struggling it is his. and I understand that its not going to go away but I need to know that it will get easier one day.
I wish I knew what I could do... please tell me im not the only one in this situation?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hi danil, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. Most marriages do not recover from infidelity because they don't follow these steps. They usually end up in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage until another affair happens or the marriage just dies off. You don't have to go that route if you will follow these steps. The program we use is in the book Surviving an Affair. It has a step by step plan to recover. This is the check list from Surviving an Affair. Can you t3ell me how many of these steps you have already followed and which ones you haven't?
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How long married? Any kids? Have there been any other affairs? Is the OM married, and if so, has his wife been told?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2014
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Hi Melodylane.
we have taken most of these steps. My spouse knows the details of the affair but is determined not to believe them. I have ended as much contact with the OP as possible but we are still working in the same establishment and financially it is not idea for me leave. I have blocked all outside contact and am completely open and availble to my spouse. we have spent time together and things seemed to be going really well. its just it just came back out of nowhere and he wanted to go back to the start.
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We have been married for 3 and a half years with no kids. this is the first and definately only affair on my behalf. The OM is married and his wife does not know. I made the decision to tell my husband and we have been trying to work it out together without involving anyone else.
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Hi Melodylane.
we have taken most of these steps. My spouse knows the details of the affair but is determined not to believe them. I have ended as much contact with the OP as possible but we are still working in the same establishment and financially it is not idea for me leave. This is the problem. Your marriage can never recover as long as you have contact with the OM. Your husband is triggered EVERY DAY you go off to work to see your OM. This is an impossible situation and it will get worse and worse as time goes on for your husband. IF you want to save your marriage you HAVE to end all contact for life. That is step one. You can't take step two until that happens.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We have been married for 3 and a half years with no kids. this is the first and definately only affair on my behalf. The OM is married and his wife does not know. I made the decision to tell my husband and we have been trying to work it out together without involving anyone else. This is information about her life that is being cruelly withheld from her. She can't protect herself from you and the OM if she does not know what you have done to her. She has a right to this information. Dr. Harley would recommend that your husband call her up and tell her the truth. Additionally, your families and friends should be told what you have done. The more people who know, the more people to hold you accountable and support your husband. But none of that will help your marriage if you won't leave the job. That has to be the first step or this is hopeless.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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we have been trying to work it out together without involving anyone else. The OM's wife is very involved. You had an affair with her husband. She just doesn't know yet, because you and the OM have covered up your crimes against her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Turns out I was wrong to come here. I am very well aware of what I have done with out it being blatenly pointed out to me. I am aware that I have ruined so many things and broken someone heart and I am dealing with that every day and doing the best that I can to make my marriage work and prove to my husband that I am the right person for him. I have not covered up anything from my husband which to me is the only person of my concern. if the halfwit OM can live with himself than so be it. I came here in hopes of a little bit of support and encouragement even though I am aware that I dont deserve it..which is now clear.
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Adultery is not something that can be swept under the rug as you are trying to do. No one here will "support" you in sweeping your affair under the rug and lying to your other victim. If you want help in saving your marriage, we will help you. You won't ever save it on your current path though. if the halfwit OM can live with himself than so be it. I guess that's easy to say when you are not the victim, huh?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am not trying to sweep anything under any rug or I would never have told my husband in the first place.
Thank you for your input.
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I am not trying to sweep anything under any rug or I would never have told my husband in the first place. But your other victim does not know and you still see your OM every day. So yes, it has been swept under the rug. And your marriage will never recover this way. We can help you save your marriage, but you can't continue on this same path. There are very specific steps to recovery and you have not taken even taken Step One. The longer you work there with the OM, the more resentment your husband will have to overcome. That resentment will eventually destroy your marriage completely. Your marriage will be a death of a thousand cuts. But you don't have to take my word for it. Just go try your way for a while longer and see how well it works out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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As long as you are more interested in protecting your affair at work with your OM, your husband doesn't stand a chance.
Can you send him here so we can help him?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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.... I came here in hopes of a little bit of support and encouragement even though I am aware that I don't deserve it..which is now clear.
That realization-- that you haven't got all the right answers -- might also be a useful place for you to begin.
Your first post was about wanting to help your husband feel better about your marriage. Are you still interested in that?
If so, stick around.
If so, wouldn't it be a disservice to you if all we did was pat you on the back for those things you've been doing correctly? Whether you deserve it or not, posters here are treating you with enough respect that they refuse to do you the disservice of falsely telling you you're doing A-ok, when in fact, there's a couple of things you're doing that will mess up your marital recovery really badly if you don't change your approach.
Here's the main thing, before anything else: This stuff about you remaining in contact with the affair partner is particularly frightening to your husband -- even if your husband hasn't told you so. You need to help your husband feel emotionally safe with you again, so that he can make himself vulnerable to you again. With you allowing the other man to hang around on the periphery of your life, that's simply not going to be possible. It'd be like a surgeon closing up a wound (or trying to do so) without getting rid of a foreign object inside the wound: That surgery will result in a festering infection, and the wound won't heal properly. In the same way, your ongoing contact with the other man is going to keep your husband from ever being able to heal fully.
Having no contact with a former affair-partner is so fundamental to recovering from an affair that it makes no sense to try to cut corners on this step. If you do try to cut corners, it suggests very strongly that you want to stay in contact with the affair partner.
Is there a reason that you would want to stay in contact with the other man?
If not, then, your focus should be on doing what it takes to establish no contact. Sometimes that means changing jobs.
Please give these things some thought.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Gloveoil thankyou so much for your response. I really appreciate you taking the time to write.
I have no desire what so ever to have any contact with the OM ever again. I would love to leave my job. and I will be. unfortunately the circumstances are that I am the main income earner and its not as easy as me up and leaving my job without something better to go to. I am trying to find something and cannot wait to get out of here and never see the op again!
I dont need pats on the back or anything like that. I just need to know that I am strong enough to get through it. I know I have not got all of the right answers and I am willing to try anything to help. I am searching for new employment and hoping I can land something very soon.
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How hard are you trying to get out of there?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Very hard while finding a job that will still keep our household income
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fortunately the circumstances are that I am the main income earner and its not as easy as me up and leaving my job without something better to go to. Can you clarify what you mean by finding something "better?" Your marriage won't survive much more of this. Can you find something worse? Or equivalent? Can you take a leave? A transfer? Dr Harley recommends to betrayed spouses that they give the wayward spouse 30 days to resign or he should epxose to your employer. 30 days is about the longest that a marriage can survive such an ongoing affair in the workplace.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Very hard while finding a job that will still keep our household income You may have to take a pay cut. What does your husband do?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Establishing no-contact is step #1 to giving your marriage a fighting chance. It's that important. My wife could hardly sleep at night, and had spells where it was hard to breathe, for weeks, until she was confident that I was no longer having any ongoing contact with the other woman.
I realize you can't zap a magic wand at the problem & announce tonight that you have a job. So I've said my piece & won't say more tonight. You know what you need to do, and every day counts.
DaniL, the sooner you get this solved, the sooner you can reduce your husband's level of suffering & apprehension, and get to a place where you can begin the healing of your marriage.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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