My wife and I had been doing great over the past week. She has been respectful, as have I.

We decided to attend a local church. I was raised catholic, and pretty much stopped attending after I was confirmed. However I have felt like something was missing lately, and I proposed that we attend this church. She really liked the idea as she had attended there several years ago, so we went last Saturday. They had a children's program, so we got an hour without kids which was a bonus. And we both felt touched by the service. It really seemed to apply to some things we have been facing lately, and I felt great leaving.

In the flyer they handed out, they advertised a marriage builder class they have that uses "Fireproof" as a guide to improving marriages. My wife made a comment to me that she would like to go, except it conflicts with my son's karate class. It was encouraging that she would be open to improving our marriage.

However, things took a turn last night

I took a half day off work so we could go to the waterpark with the kids. I got home and my wife was excited to see me. The kids were not home yet, and my wife initiated SF!

Afterwards, we gathered the kids, went to lunch, and off to the waterpark. We got there and found out they were over capacity, and we would have to wait about an hour to get in. Her and I went back and forth asking each other if we wanted to wait and then she got upset with me that I didn't just make a decision. Later she told me that she would have liked it if I asked her if she minded waiting instead of telling her "I don't care what do you want to do." I told her that when she gives a specific complaint rather than saying "I have an attitude" that I can take that and improve on it.

Later we were at my parent's house talking to my dad, and she kept interrupting me. I made a comment to her, a disrespectful one, and she blew up. When we got home, she told me I had an attitude all day, then proceeded to tell me about 15 things that bothered her. I said that if she made complaints when I do things I can learn from my mistake. She told me I am not a kid and she should not have to tell me what I am doing that bothers her. Then she told me that it was all because we had SF, since I was nice for the past few weeks until today.

I just don't know...It seems that every time we have SF that we have a fight a short time later. I don't know if my behavior is changing as a result, or if my behavior is constant and her sensitivity to it increases afterwards. Either way I need to correct it, because it is easier for me to change my behavior than it is for her to change her reaction to it.

I can say that my behavior change back to what is deemed disrespectful seems to happen gradually, since I do not notice it happening until she says something. Its like I need a checklist of what I can or cannot say or do that I carry around.

Doing anything about those?

I would steer clear of a Fireproof class if I were you. I love the movie, but the material pushes unconditional love and is not sustainable. This might be a good time to bring up marriage buildera as an alternative, though, since that class has a conflict.

I actually have something like that in an old post, a list of types of disrespectful judgments. They were extremely hard for me to discover. I'll see if I can find it when I get some time.

A few things that bothered her are my own fault. Like playing on my phone when I come home from work, or when we were standing in line at the waterpark. She will tell me it bothers her, so I will leave it alone for a few days, then I will start picking it up when she picks hers up, then I just start doing it all the time. I need to stick to my rule of leaving it at the door when I walk in.

Other things, like "I had a attitude all day" are harder to fix.

I do need to stop picking on her too, as I find myself doing that over time again. I will stop, then she will goof around with me, then I do it back, and she doesn't like it because I take it too far. But if I stop goofing around with her, then I am too serious. So I need to find that line between good natured fun and picking on her.

Thanks for the heads up. I do not think it is something that will be feasible with our schedule, but I did see that as an opportunity to introduce her to the books. Unfortunately it was a small window that is now closed, since she is back at her withdrawal/conflict stage and wants nothing to do with fixing anything at this point.

Thanks. I am sarcastic by nature, and tend to say a lot of disrespectful things to not only her but others. I have made some improvements as of late, but not enough.

Thankfully though, I have not had an AO in a while. I have found myself noticing my anger building at times, and forcing myself to calm down. By noticing it I can stop it before it gets out of hand. At least I can keep that up...so far

It appears your wife doesn't feel special to and treasured by you, and that once she "puts out" its back to her almost getting a feeling of being "one of the guys" instead of your special lover protected by your extraordinary care.

You need to make her consistently feel that she is loved and special.


And this "I am sarcastic by nature" is a selfish demand on your part, because by definition, even joking sarcasm is likely at her expense.

Once it starts to bother her, it isn't funny to her anymore. She may be trying to go along with it the best she can since she can see why it SHOULD not be a big deal, yet to her it may have grown to be. It is possible you are love busting her even with seemingly harmless, lighthearted sarcasm.


Anytime someone says anything along the lines of "that's who I am" or "that's what I'm like", it simply boils down to them saying they are too selfish to consider others.

My STBX was not appreciative of my kind of dry somewhat sarcastic humor, so I can relate to what you are saying a little bit.

Growing up, my siblings and I would sometimes joke with each other by stating an obvious opposite, kind of a way to acknowledge that the opposite is true, if that makes sense.

Like if a person had been working in the field all day and came home tired, muddy and sweaty, we might jokingly say "So glad to see you had a leisurely day". That was funny to us because we would have all been working just as hard, so it was just a joking acknowledgement of "whew, we all worked hard today!"

My STBX just didn't "get" this type of sarcasm - and it actually irritated him - although he would frequently use sarcasm as humor himself. But his type of sarcasm wasn't funny to me. If I objected to it, he'd tell me I needed lessons in self esteem because I was too sensitive.

Another thing my siblings and I would do is if we hurt ourselves in some way, for one of us to say "what did you do that for!" to kind of joke with the person and distract them from their smarting funny bone.

The first time i did a "what did you do that for" with my STBX, he was so angry that he AO'd and then was very angry for about 30 minutes. It just wasn't funny to him and it was actually hurtful.

All this to say, just because you see sarcasm as humor, doesn't mean someone with a different perspective finds it funny.

Thanks for the feedback Sunny...I didn't intend to make an excuse for my behavior by saying that I am sarcastic. I was just making a statement of how I perceive myself and how others have perceived me in the past. It is just another habit that I must break.

She has mentioned that when I am not nice after SF, like yesterday, that she feels used, like I was only nice to her to get something. I feel terrible when she says things like that, yet I cannot seem to see my detrimental behaviors until she is upset and hurt.

My wife will joke around and be sarcastic as well. If I exclaim that my dinner is piping hot, she will say "well it just came out of the refrigerator", or other things like that. She is always smiling and light-hearted about it, so I can interpret it as sarcasm.

She doesn't mind if I am goofy and have fun. I just tend to form a disrespectful judgment as humor, and when she says something to me, I defend it as just a joke. I need to learn to toe that line between lighthearted fun and disrespect. I really don't know how to do it.

The refrigerator joke is cute, and it looks like you enjoy it together. It does make you feel special to each other because you "get" each other.


Maybe one way to catch yourself is "will this comment make my wife feel special?"

That is a good rule to recite in my mind. I have solved a lot of issues that she has brought up over the years, like independent behaviors, domestic support, and family commitment. I stopped a lot of negative behaviors and started some positive ones by asking myself how I think she would feel about it before acting upon them.

Most of what she does not like has to do with how I talk to her and how well I listen/pay attention to her...

Do you see how this doesn't make her feel special? It makes her feel taken for granted and ignored.

If it's rude to play on your phone while you're conversing with others, it's rude to play on your phone while you're conversing with your wife.

One way to retrain your behavior towards her might be make an effort to treat her at least the same way you would treat a customer or a boss for a week or two (plus, obviously, adding to that her personal emotional needs).

It may help you get out of the mindset where you are taking her time and company for granted, or displaying unattractive behaviors to her.

If my STBX had treated me at least as nicely as he treated his co-workers, I would probably still be in love with him and married.

There is often a fine line between flirting and disrespect. It is best to err on the side of caution wherever possible. Never make jokes at her expense, for example.

If you make a joke and she makes it clear that she does not find it funny or cute, steer clear of that kind of joke in the future.

Another very good point. She has made comments to the effect that she thinks I treat my co-workers and bosses with more respect than her. Her reasoning is that she thinks I pay more attention to them than her, since I can come home and talk about them but cannot remember things she says to me.

Obviously she means more to me then anyone else, but see that I have not been demonstrating that to her.

I agree with you...the biggest problem I have with this is that I tend to go the other way and appear to be in a bad mood because I am too serious. She will tell me that I am no fun. So I have fun, then I take it too far.

Excellent realization! Understanding the problem is the first step to fixing it.


I'm looking forward to hearing the results of your new "will this make her feel special" filter, and the application of your new mindset to treat her as mannerly/nicely as you treat outside people.

You can do something to remind yourself of your new resolutions every day, such as picking out a new place to put your keys in so each day when you come home and remind yourself to put them in their new spot it reminds you of your new intentions.

Or, if you are a jewelry guy, get a new bracelet to remind yourself every time you see your arm.....or move a picture to a different spot so every time you notice the picture you remind yourself.

Find ways to remind yourself of your new approach until your new actions become your new mindset and form into a new habit.