You need to be mentally prepared for the worse case scenerios.
Once, my wife finally stood up and REFUSED to allow her mother into our home (after a night of binge drinking), and met her on the porch to tell her she cant stay here until she is on the path of sobriety.

My MIL then proceeded to just go drink more and ended up living homeless under a bridge for several weeks, UNTIL my wife gave in and allowed her back into the home (where she continued her self destructive behavior).

My wife told me, I cant let her be homeless. She could die out there. Her intentions were good natured, but it was no excuse to enable the drinking.

Yes, that's what I've been using my apart time from my wife to prepare for. I don't want to be surprised by anything my wife might throw my way. I also don't want to I'm talking with my older kids too as a way to ensure our solidarity and support for my decisions.

I am of the same mind. I don't want her to die under a bridge or on the road somewhere separated from me and the family. But, that is better than enabling and allowing an opportunity to hurt my kids or me or someone else while I support her behavior in my own home.

Well, what you will eventually learn is that you really have NO control over her her life anyway.
My wife thought she could control her mothers drinking...but guess what? She is still drinking and using drugs!
All my wife did was allow this GARBAGE to occupy her mind; contrast that with her sister, you went NO CONTACT with her mother and isnt involved in the daily drama an alcoholic and addict has.

Her sister went to AlAnon and had to retrain her thinking process to learn how not to allow her mother to rent space in her head.

That's what you need to be focusing on; attending as many AlAnon meetings as possible

Have you spoken with an attorney?
On your radio call, Dr. Harley said you should have spoken with one.

Talked to my wife as she arrived at the new facility and was checking in. Said she couldn't do it, and needed to be with her babies. I told her I loved her and knew she would do great in the program. She said "No you don't", and hung up on me. So, I guess she's in the program!

I also attended another AlAnon tonight - and GASP! - there were a couple men there. Nice to see I'm not the only one.

Did you speak to these men?
Did you get the book I recommended: One day At A Time In Al-Anon?

Bravo to you!!!

When she pulls this again, ask her "isn't this better than jail? I barely kept you out of jail this time, I won't do that again. So when you think about how you don't like that place, ask yourself if you like it better than JAIL."

Starting putting that idea in her head. Talk to her about JAIL. She is a very, very high risk for JAIL since she is a drunk driver.

"I love ya, but I won't keep you out of jail the next time!"

Update - all I can say is this sucks. Less than 24 hours at the women's facility, and wife has signed AMA to leave the facility. She signed papers when she checked in that give them 24 hours to convince her to stay, and she can't get her luggage, phone, or wallet before then. She called me and told me she was willing to come closer to home to the rehab she checked out of twice (co-ed), but I don't see how that solves anything. And, she can't keep being in control - she has to let that go to admit she has a problem!

I repeated that I loved her, and wanted to see her finish her commitment - something that would show love for the family and show that she's willing to do whatever it takes to get well and get home. She read me a list of apologies since the beginning of the year, and I repeated that I loved her and wanted to see her well, but she could choose whatever she wanted, and I couldn't stop her. I would prefer she choose rehab, as I would love to see her in 21 more days. She said she had made her choice, and then said goodbye.

She has several CC's, and I can't really limit how much she spends, as they even let us go over the credit limit, which means she could run it up thousands of dollars. Phone can be disabled remotely (iPhone iCloud or carrier "lost" mode).

Very sad that I may be witnessing the end of my 19 year relationship. Happy I can stand up for myself and my kids, and hopefully have learned something to move forward with. I still hope that it is a bluff, or she will figure stuff out very quickly and return, but I don't think that is the case anymore.

What is your plan when she shows up at the door and hasn't finished the 28 days?

I would cancel the credit cards.

Sir, can you make it to an AlAnon meeting tonight or tomorrow?

My plan is to not give her $$ so she can't make it from Hill Country to Dallas to be able to show up at my door. But, if she does, I will have to not let her in and put bars on the windows so she doesn't break any more!

I plan on going to AlAnon again tomorrow.

If you are also on the credit cards, you can call and report them lost, or even explain the circumstances and have them then open up new cards, just with different numbers, but the same limits.

Don't finance her destruction, drinking and affairs.

She is not serious about recovery..... yet.

LTL

It doesn't seem like she will ever be serious about recovery, like MelodyLane has suggested. Sad. But, I have to protect myself and my kids.

I have already requested new cards on all the cards I can. I cannot do it on the bank ATM card for some reason - they will only respond directly to her. I am planning on emptying the account and moving to a different bank if necessary. I have one card open but suspended, and phone currently open, but ready to lock.

I do not wish to be the benefactor who funds the depths of my wife's ruin.

One question I have, that again I was a little confused by Dr Harley's radio advice... I can tell my wife not to return home until she completes the 28 days. But does that mean I move to Plan B, or keep with the Plan A with the one caveat of no drinking - just don't let her come home without rehab follow-thru and insist on rehab again every time she takes a drink? Dr Harley seemed to think she would need to return to rehab several times before I start playing hardball.

What was the drug your doctor prescribed her?

Hi KS, no plan A here. What you do is not allow her to drink again in your home. If she shows up, you have to let her in. I would suggest you give her this deal:

She agrees to take antabuse every morning. You administer yourself and keep the drug on you. She must agree to go to AA meetings every day. [you will have to drive her and stay in the parking lot] If she drinks again, you will have her committed to the rehab where she can't check out.

I would make sure all your credit cards are cancelled and your money in your main account is moved out. Additionally, there should be no alcohol in the house and no car keys.

Do you have someone to watch your kids all day?

How fast can you get antabuse from her doctor?

And I want to add that if she goes drunk driving again, you MUST CALL THE POLICE ON HER and have her thrown in jail. She is a danger to society.

I will be honest when I say I don't have much hope for your situation and would strongly recommend you file for divorce. I think that your wife is so bad that she would be in jail or living under a bridge if you had not propped her up all this time.

So, if she checks herself out and heads home, despite our agreement, let her in the house, just with the agreement of AA and antabuse - and no driving freedom or access to money? And one drink requires a return to rehab - but what teeth does that have if I let her come home after just 7 of 28 days where she is at now?

Are you also suggesting I keep someone watching my kids while she goes through this 30 day sobering-up? There is only one to watch, since the rest are in school. Friend is watching her now, but I was looking for an in-home daycare while my wife was at the women's facility.

Isn't this unhealthy? I would be the only reason she is keeping to these things and avoiding drink. Isn't this the same as pouring out alcohol in the house, etc?

I think I can get it within a day.

And, I know about the drinking and driving... it might be the thing that saves her life...