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Originally Posted by coffeegirl
We just had lunch and chatted about a recent IB. He simply said it was something he really wanted to do and he was okay with doing it despite my not being enthusiastic.

CG, that is a serious problem for your marriage, and it is not fixable from your end. Dr. Harley's position is that if anything is made so important in marriage that it must be done even when the spouse is not enthusiastic, it will eventually destroy the marriage.

Let me emphasize that this problem is NOT FIXABLE FROM YOUR END. Your husband's philosophy of marriage is that it's okay sometimes to do things that bother your spouse - that this is normal and just has to be tolerated. That turns out to be an unworkable marriage philosophy. It creates resentment and eventually totally destroys the marriage.

Quite frankly, in my opinion, the best fix for a husband with that kind of marriage philosophy is to be married to a wife with this kind of marriage philosophy: "I will not tolerate a situation where either one of us does things the other is not enthusiastic about."

I would strongly recommend that you begin preparing for a separation. Because eventually, left unchecked, your husband's attitude toward your feelings will destroy your marriage. On the other hand, if you let him know that you do not want to live this way, and ultimately follow through with a separation if necessary, there is a chance that he might change his mind in order to take your feelings into account.

Alternatively if you stay, you are going to find the temptation to become abusive growing stronger and stronger. You will feel increasing resentment over his behavior that does not take your feelings into account. You will feel powerless to do anything about this behavior. And your emotions will prompt you to try to punish that behavior and to try to control your husband to stop it, with demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. Even if you do not give into that temptation it is going to take an emotional toll on you. And even if you remain perfectly free of all demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts, it will still not be likely to win your husband over to a new way of living that takes your feelings into account.

I'd start looking seriously at what Dr. Harley recommends in his article When to Call it Quits:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit2.html
(Be aware that, when a husband is willing to start following the principles that make for a good marriage, "When to Call it Quits" doesn't result in the end of the marriage at all - it results in things turning around.)


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Every day, all day he asks me if I'm okay and if I'm good. Do I just say "no" ??

Radical honesty! Tell him the truth: you are not feeling good. You are feeling bad because of his willingness to do something that you are reluctant about, and in order for you to feel better, you will need him to stop doing anything that you are reluctant about and look for an alternative with you instead.

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I know the long-term plan would be to prepare to leave. I just don't know how to act in the mean time...

I would start making those preparations now - worry about that more than worrying about what to do in the mean time.

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He picked the wrong girl all those years ago. Many women would love my life/marriage.

Most women would HATE having their husbands engage in any activity over their objections. I know my wife certainly does!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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CG, I just noticed you've posted in Dr. Harley's seminar forum - do you guys still have a Marriage Builders coach? I would definitely call her up and tell her what you have told us here.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Dr. Harley posted this to you last October:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The issue of your husband's independent behavior will cause you to feel disconnected with him. That, in turn will prevent you from wanting to do more to feel connected, such as making love

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2762017#Post2762017

Then about a week ago you posted about your own sexual aversion:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2816217#Post2816217

Continuing to witness your husband's independent behavior is only going to make your sexual aversion worse. Save his sex life (and your own health and sanity) by drawing a line in the sand now. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Yes, we still have a coach. I was thinking of talking to her.

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Originally Posted by coffeegirl
Yes, we still have a coach. I was thinking of talking to her.
Definitely call her.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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He considers my feelings 99% of the time...

He's mostly great.

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I just sent a message.

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CG, here's a post by Dr. Harley you might want to read through, possibly with your husband:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
But what actually happened was that CAC33 felt that his perspective trumped that of twoinone (because he was a horticulturalist and understood the problem better than she did), and took care of the trees the way he saw fit. Twoinone responded in a predictable way by becoming very resentful, and continues to feel that way to this very moment.

Over the few years that you have both been married, twoinone can name literally hundreds of situations where CAC33 has done things small and large that caused her to feel resentful. And that resentment continues on for each incident she's experienced. She doesn't see how she can survive buried under all of that resentment. Trying to forget about them, and letting go, hasn't worked.

But what's even worse is that new incidents keep coming up. And with each new incident, the weight of all of the past incidents pile upon her. It's not the spraying that upset her so much. It's remembering all of the times that CAC33 made decisions that overrode her perspective in the past. The intensity of her reaction is based on the cumulative effect of them all.

...

Learn a lesson from this experience. The cumulative effect of past violations of the POJA will make every small violation seem gigantic to twoinone. It's how anyone would feel and doesn't mean that she's become irrational.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2747977#Post2747977


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Thank you. Even before reading this I was able to articulate the cumulative effect of his IB. Even small IB can leave me reeling...

It's just hard because he's mostly very considerate.

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So...tonight I told H that I was upset about his trip. He asked me if he needed to cancel it. I said that would be good. Told him I'd been thinking/sad about past hurtful IB. He said okay. He said he didn't realize it wasn't okay. He knew I wasn't enthusiastic but thought my reluctant agreement was okay.

Did I handle this the right way?

Is it good that he's willing to cancel or do we still have a big problem that he was willing to do it without my enthusiasm?

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