Hello all my old MB friends, and new ones...<BR>I have not made a "new" post in a while, I have been on the giving end more.<P>If you do not know my story, here it is in a tiny nutshell, spared all the details..they are unimportant now. My H had a four month affair this time last year. we have been WELL into recovery since mid Feb. of '99...WOW...9 months!<P>We really use the MB techniques and they WORK...WELL! We used Steve Harley and have pretty much elimiated all love busters, and our accounts are very high. <P>So why do I not want to be with him right now? Is it common to suddenly look at your spouse and want to scream..."You, SOB, what in the H*LL were you thinking?"...that is how I am feeling now. Guys, he has been soooo wonderful to me, why I am feeling like this?<P>We both agree that it took the two of us to get to the bad places and two of us toget to here, the good place. We spend TONS of quality time together, (like FOUR hours a day, or more)...we are "experts" at meeting each other's needs....but uggh...is this normal after so much time has passed?<P>I even called the OW and told her I have forgiven her and do not balme her, but have I forgiven my H? Will I ever? He knows I still do not trust him, although he has given me ZERO reasons not to. I asked him if he was getting sick of my lack of trust, and he said, "yes, but I think it is the price I have to pay...I am willing to wait, and I think you will someday". Aw....how sweet, so why do I want to kill him right now?<P>Old timeres...success stories, please tell me if this is nomal...or is it just PMS??? <P>Thank you all!<BR>Sally<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Sally (edited November 08, 1999).]

Sally - I am not an "old timer" success story but hope to be. My H also had an affair with a coworker this time last year - not sure how long it was as he's given various accounts of almost one year, 5-6 months and a couple of months. Disclosure was in March after he started divorce proceedings end of January. Like you and your H he is home and we are well on our way to recovery. Like you there are times when things are great, he is so sweet and I want to scream at him because I don't understand how he could have done such a selfish hurtful thing to me and our family. I don't know if this is normal or not and I am also looking forward to other's responses. Unlike you, I don't think I could ever tell the ow I forgive her for hurting my family, especially my child. I have not yet spoken to her, though I know her. My H also is sick of the lack of trust although I keep it to myself for the most part. Does your H still work with the ow? Mine does and this causes me great pain. If your H still works with her, how do you cope with this?<BR> Simone

I'm not an old timer... by any stretch of the imagination... but I do feel <B>forgiveness</B> will come in time. I feel I have forgiven my wife... even as she is continuing with OM... that may sound strange... but if I don't start on that path of forgiveness now... I'll be throwing everything away. You may not think I mean true forgiveness... but it is!<P>What I think is the harder part is the "forgetting." Little things that happen... bring up the ideas of what it might have (or in my case is still may be) happened(ing.) Sometimes this brings up very bad feelings of anxiety!... the "forgetting" is the hard part! Forgiving is hard too... especially early on... but having that love from your S who is willing to work at your marriage(s)... can do nothing but help!<P>Don't feel guilty... we're all human... just don't act on your impulses of calling your S an "SOB"... etc. Be thankful for what you have... and every now and then... just give into God... (He understands forgiveness better than anyone!)<P>Good thoughts to you today! <P>Jim

Sally:<P>It's PMS (the easy "guy" answer). <P>Seriously, it's not uncommon to have the resentment build up. I'd give Steve a call to work through it, but as long as you manage this productively, you should be fine.<P>Hey, it sounds like you've got a "9.5" on the old K 10-scale. Keep up the great work!!!

Hi Sally. No recovery here, but dealing with unforgiveness and new offense daily.<P>Just this morning I came across this verse (PROV 29:11) "A fool vents all his feelings, a wise man holds them back." And I thought to myself "Plan A in a nutshell".<P>Remember, feelings are fleeting, do what is right is the important thing. If you dwell on the crap, that is what you will be reacting to. Your H sounds sweet, dwell on that and consciously let the other go in forgiveness. And if you find you don't want to do that--figure out why because that will be the real reason for your feelings.<P>Take care.<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

WOW...<BR>What a response, thank you all!<P>Simone- Yes, he still works with her and sees her daily. It was more difficult early on, and it gets easier all the time. I know she has "nothing" on me now, but a year ago he was willing, and almost did throw away his entire marriage for a 24 year old student! With a BIG emotional history...how's that for foolish?? He has told her that they are over, and all their communication is purely work related. I pushd for this to be different, I wish she were not there at all...but he is a physician, and she is a student tech....neither can really go anywhere. She will eventually leave, but for now, that is all part of our healing process. I think the stronger we get, the less good she looks. I hope you can sometime heal your anger towrds the OW, what helped for me is realizing she was only a symptom....i.e., if it were not here, it would have been someone else, most likely. Keep up the good work, and remember, every step in the right direction helps.<P>NSR....wow, forgiveness and she is still carrying on with her affair...GOOD for you! That takes a strong person. You undoubetly see her seakness and faults and know that we all have them. It sounds like you are healing yourself which is a BIG part of the puzzle. Keep up the good work.<P>K....yeah, I am sure it is PMS! Seems like every month I get it...YUCK. we are right at a 9 out of 10, perfection will NEVER come,and I am sure it is not meant to. we are all supposed to be growing and strivin each and every day. Thank you for responding...you are a treasure!<P>Lor, you are right, my emotions are fleeting. I do feel that there is still some healing to do, and he is aware of this. He has beena dear to talk me through it all, and drops everything when I want to talk about it. We have made such progress...and like I said to K a week agao, when the love accounts get so high, the withdraws hurt more, they come with a hight penality. I do hope you are going to be OK.<P>Thanks again all!<P>------------------<BR>You will be stronger because of this.<P>