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#2818086 09/03/14 05:44 AM
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tjg13 Offline OP
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Need Help!

Im 45 years old and been married to my wife for 23 years. I have always bee faithful and crazy about her.
I went through a bad time mentally over the last 9 months. Depressed, too much time on my hands ( kinda retired from work ) I was resentful of my wife as well but i can see now it was all my doing.

I had a friendship with a younger girl and eventually had sex 1x. Just once.
I wasnt even attracted to her and i regret it with all my heart.

My wife found out and i lied about it because of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and i didnt want to hurt her anymore then i already did.

She says she gave me a few chances to work things out but i honestly dont remember. I wasnt myself and i was in a total fog.. For months.

Im doing all i can now to make things right with my wife but she says she cant live with the thought of my cheating in her mind.
Everytime i tried to talk with her she brings up the things i had done.

I love my wife with all my heart and i truly regret what Ive done to us.
I ended the friendship with the OW as well about 4 months ago. No contact and iam not even interested. Just want to get some advice on what i can do to make my wife trust me again and get through this terrible situation i have created.

Please help!

I appreciate it




WH-45
BS - 44
Married 23 years
2 children
1 - 14 years old
1 - 21 years old

Married still but talking living apart / divorce

tjg13 #2818093 09/03/14 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by tjg13
Need Help!

Im 45 years old and been married to my wife for 23 years. I have always bee faithful and crazy about her.
I went through a bad time mentally over the last 9 months. Depressed, too much time on my hands ( kinda retired from work ) I was resentful of my wife as well but i can see now it was all my doing.

I had a friendship with a younger girl and eventually had sex 1x. Just once.
I wasnt even attracted to her and i regret it with all my heart.

My wife found out and i lied about it because of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and i didnt want to hurt her anymore then i already did.

She says she gave me a few chances to work things out but i honestly dont remember. I wasnt myself and i was in a total fog.. For months.

Im doing all i can now to make things right with my wife but she says she cant live with the thought of my cheating in her mind.
Everytime i tried to talk with her she brings up the things i had done.

I love my wife with all my heart and i truly regret what Ive done to us.
I ended the friendship with the OW as well about 4 months ago. No contact and iam not even interested. Just want to get some advice on what i can do to make my wife trust me again and get through this terrible situation i have created.

Please help!

I appreciate it
Welcome to MB, tjg13.

Your signature line says that you are living apart and a divorce is planned, but your story does not mention this. Is that the case? How did that come about? Did your wife ask you to leave as soon as she found out about the affair, or was that after she found out you lied about it? What did you lie about? What stage has the divorce reached?

How did your wife find out about the affair, and the lies?

Who is this girl? Is she someone you work with, or someone you picked up in a bar, or what? Does she live anywhere near you? Is she married or in a relationship? Does her spouse know about the affair?

Do your kids and both your families know about the affair?


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
tjg13 #2818096 09/03/14 08:15 AM
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Welcome to MB.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" yet? If not, get and read it?

Is your wife interested at all in recovering your marriage? Not all betrayed spouses are interested in staying married after an affair.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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tjg13 Offline OP
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We are still living together but sleeping in separate rooms.

Divorce is being talked about but nothing done yet.
I lied about the friendship i had and just kept making things worse after that.
The OW is single and doesn't live near me. I don't see her at all and would never run into her besides.
Our kids do know about the affair and my 21 year old won't talk to me.

Yes, I've read Surviving an Affair. Been reading this board a few days before posting.
My wife does not want to recover the marriage as of now because she is still extremely hurt and hating me for what I've done.

I truly regret this.

Thanks for any advice and help.


WH-45
BS - 44
Married 23 years
2 children
1 - 14 years old
1 - 21 years old

Married still but talking living apart / divorce

tjg13 #2818102 09/03/14 08:41 AM
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How did you meet OW then? What was the extent of your A (duration, EA/PA, etc.)? And have you now given your wife ALL the information pertaining to your A, or are you continuing to trickle truth her?

Would your wife come here and post her own thread?

tjg13 #2818104 09/03/14 08:44 AM
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Originally Posted by tjg13
I had a friendship with a younger girl and eventually had sex 1x. Just once.

I ended the friendship with the OW as well about 4 months ago.

And for starters, you need to STOP referring to this as a 'friendship' when it was an affair. It is incredibly insulting to your wife and children to downplay this bomb of mass destruction.

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Tig,

Has your wife read "Surviving an Affair"?

Please answer the question about how your affair started? How did you meet OW? How did your wife find out about the affair? Are you still lying about the circumstances and extent of the affair?

Would your wife be willing to post on the forum? Would she be willing to enroll in the MB online program?

BTW, immediately after my H's affair, all three of our children wanted me to divorce H. I didn't do that. Today, they all have a great relationship with both of us and additionally are much more aware of the potential for affairs in marriage and how to prevent them.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Posts: 2,589
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Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by tjg13
I had a friendship with a younger girl and eventually had sex 1x. Just once.

I ended the friendship with the OW as well about 4 months ago.

And for starters, you need to STOP referring to this as a 'friendship' when it was an affair. It is incredibly insulting to your wife and children to downplay this bomb of mass destruction.

Agreed. This is very offensive to the betrayed spouse and children. What you had was a sleazy affair with a woman who didn't mind spreading her legs for a married man. Don't try to make it be something acceptable.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
tjg13 #2818110 09/03/14 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by tjg13
I lied about the friendship i had and just kept making things worse after that.
I am going to press you for details of who this OW is, how you met her, how far from you she lives and what you lied about.

You see, the fact that you say this started as a friendship suggests that you were able to talk to her over a period of time. this wasn't just a hook-up with a stranger in a bar. If you had a friendship (which was really an emotional affair, and a precursor to the physical affair), you had a way of easily seeing this woman and communicating with her. I want to know those details if I am to help you win your wife back. If you can't demonstrate to me that this woman is nowhere near you, no wonder you can't reassure your wife that the affair was a single, out-of-character event that can never be repeated. If you won't be honest with me, a stranger who has no idea who you are, how you met this woman and kept up a relationship with her, I'm not surprised that your wife does not believe you have given her the full truth.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Trying to answer all the questions posted here.
Met OW at a shooting range. She is a LT in the army.
Became friends ( emotional affair ) by just talking about military stuff.
Wasnt physically attracted to her but more that we had a lot in common.
At that time, she lived about 40 miles from me.
Since I ended it. ( yes, I did ) she moved out of state.

I also called her with my wife present and told her that I love my wife and this was
All a bad mistake by me.

I changed my number but I had forgotten about my email and she contacted me a few times again and that stirred up this mess again.

I have not contacted her again since then as well. About 4 months now.
The whole emotional affair lasted about 8 months total but the OW was deployed
For 4 months of that time. So no physical contact.

I will ask my wife if she would post here.
I'm currently seeing a therapist and my wife has agreed to join me as well as go herself.
My wife found out through my cell records but I wasn't a very good lier and looking back, it was obvious.
I lied to her about the whole thing anyway. I was ashamed and mentally not myself. No excuse but that's the facts.
I have never even considered any other women then my wife.
I'm not even sure why I allowed this to happen.

Thank you for any help. I really want to make this Better.
I truly regret it.



WH-45
BS - 44
Married 23 years
2 children
1 - 14 years old
1 - 21 years old

Married still but talking living apart / divorce

tjg13 #2818128 09/03/14 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by tjg13
I changed my number but I had forgotten about my email and she contacted me a few times again and that stirred up this mess again.


That makes perfect sense so her triggered state is completely understandable. Have you since changed the email address so the OW can't reach you?

Most marriages don't ever recover from affairs. They might stay together, but they are a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. When that happens, the resentment of the betrayed spouse grows and grows each passing year.

You won't resolve your marriage problems in therapy and that is actually a distraction from solving your problems.

You don't have to be like that if you will follow the steps in this program. The first thing you need to do is affair proof your marriage so your wife feels safe. The next step is to create a romantic, passionate marriage that is better than your pre-affair marriage. If those steps are not taken, your marriage will be terrible.

The book Surviving an Affair has the program we used in it. Here is the checklist of extraordinary precautions from SAA:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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tjg13 Offline OP
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Thank you
I've just about covered all those points except relocating to
A diff state but I do have plans to do just that when my 14 yr old
Finishes high school

I changed all my email accts, cell.
All I've been doing for the last couple months is try
To talk to my wife and apologize just about everyday.
I feel like death for hurting her and my kids.
Nothing in the world is worth that again.
She is just very hurt and angry so I'm trying to
Say & do the right things now.
Avoid fighting but it's tough.



WH-45
BS - 44
Married 23 years
2 children
1 - 14 years old
1 - 21 years old

Married still but talking living apart / divorce

tjg13 #2818140 09/03/14 12:16 PM
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Tig,
One thing that stood out to me in your posts was when you referenced "I was ashamed and mentally not myself. No excuse but that's the facts"
Being mentally not yourself is NO REASON to begin an affair - I do see that you said it's "not an excuse just fact" but I see no reason for it to even play into this.
Now on saying that, how is your mental status now? Are you under th care of a doctor? Are you on any AD's?.


FWW, 36

tjg13 #2818149 09/03/14 12:34 PM
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Originally Posted by tjg13
I changed my number but I had forgotten about my email and she contacted me a few times again and that stirred up this mess again.

So you forgot about your email 'a few times?' If you forgot about your email, then wouldn't ONE TIME of contact be enough to remind you about your email, at which point you would inform your wife and immediately change your email?

If you want to recover, you need to OWN THIS. Acting like this, amongst other things, 'just happened' with no fault of your own, is not going to make your wife feel like you are being honest or that you are safe. Own the fact that you purposely left an obvious door open to the OW, and used it for contact multiple times.

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Have you answered ALL your BW's questions about your A? The level of detail each BS desires is different, but you need to give your BW as much detail as she wants. If you think that you are protecting her by keeping any information from her, you are not. You are only protecting yourself and doing further damage.

Dr Harley suggests writing a timeline of the events of your affair, and giving that to your spouse. She can then use that timeline to ask questions.

If, due to the trickle truth you have already given her, your BW does not believe your version of the truth (I wouldn't), you can also offer to take a polygraph to verify your story. If you have indeed told her everything, this should be perceived as a great opportunity for you to prove that to her!

tjg13 #2818152 09/03/14 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by tjg13
Thank you
I've just about covered all those points except relocating to
A diff state but I do have plans to do just that when my 14 yr old
Finishes high school

I changed all my email accts, cell.
All I've been doing for the last couple months is try
To talk to my wife and apologize just about everyday.
I feel like death for hurting her and my kids.
Nothing in the world is worth that again.
She is just very hurt and angry so I'm trying to
Say & do the right things now.
Avoid fighting but it's tough.

What the program does is help you create a happy marriage. If one is happy in the present, their minds don't tend to go to the tragedies of the past so that is why it is so imperative to create a happy marriage that is better than your pre-affair marriage. It doesn't sound like you have done that. But we can help you with this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I gave access to my email to my wife and i hadnt checked it for a few days myself,
OW emailed, things went bad. I changed my email since then and OW, no one else except personal male friends have it. My wife has all passwords, codes, etc
Same with cell phone.

I have told my wife everything about the affair. Answered her questions, etc.
I have taken responsibility for my bad choices and actions. Fully. So yes, i owned it.

I dont do drugs or meds but i was emotionally weak and didnt want to talk to my wife about the things that were upsetting me at the time and i felt she wasnt there for me. I actually realize now i pushed her away and secluded myself so its only my fault as well.

I have never strayed from my wife in 22 years of marriage till now. I made bad choices that hurt all of us and Iam truly sorry for everything.
I just cant see throwing away 22 years of marriage even though i understand how she feels and the hurt Ive caused.
I would never allow anything like this to happen again but i dont know if my wife can get past all this.

Iam trying to do all the right things now and in fact, i see a positive coming out of this disaster if we can somehow work it out.







WH-45
BS - 44
Married 23 years
2 children
1 - 14 years old
1 - 21 years old

Married still but talking living apart / divorce

tjg13 #2818189 09/03/14 02:33 PM
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Have you been working on eliminating ALL your love busters and learning to meet her emotional needs? Recovery from an affair requires that the marriage is BETTER than the pre-A marriage. What are her complaints about you?


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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tjg13 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LongWayFromHome
Have you been working on eliminating ALL your love busters and learning to meet her emotional needs? Recovery from an affair requires that the marriage is BETTER than the pre-A marriage. What are her complaints about you?

Yes, Ive been reading this board and doing my best on eliminating my love busters. Started working on meeting her emotional needs as well.

I want my marriage to be better then pre A marriage in so many ways. In fact, this has made me see all the things that i could have done better and I will do what it takes to make her feel right again. This has been hell. I thought 3 tours in Iraq & A-stan were bad but hurting my wife and my soul mate is far, far worse.

Thanks again to the members here who offered advice.
I really appreciate it.

BTW, Should i even bother to continue to see my therapist? cause the members here said it wont help and actually waste time.
I cant afford either of those options now.



WH-45
BS - 44
Married 23 years
2 children
1 - 14 years old
1 - 21 years old

Married still but talking living apart / divorce

tjg13 #2818198 09/03/14 02:56 PM
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For you to see a therapist at this point is a distraction. We all know why people have affairs - because of poor boundaries. Dr. Harley says that no one would have an affair under certain conditions, and everyone would have an affair under other conditions. The marriages that are safe are those in which both spouses create the conditions that make an affair virtually impossible.

Most therapists have no idea how to coach a couple into creating a really great marriage. My H and I spent many hours and a lot of money on marital therapy after my H's first affair. In the end, it did not create a safe nor a romantic marriage and the therapist was doing all she knew to do.

MB can help you and your wife create a romantic, passionate, and safe marriage. It takes two people but you can prime the pump by following the guidelines. I would start by listening to the radio program and reading all the articles on this website.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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