First of all I am so glad God sent me to this website!

My wife and I have been married for 21 years.

I had an affair 4 1/2 yrs ago. It was the first time I had done that and the last! My wife found about it and I ended it. I cut it completley off and honestly have no idea where the person is now. My wife and I attended a few counseling sessions but in the end decided that we could focus on each other and the marriage and we put things back together (or so I thought). Now after all of this time she says the anger has boiled back to the surface again and she is angrier that ever. She is struggling with what she wants to do (to stay or not). I deeply love this woman and and want to work this out.

Any advice? I have lost almost 30 pounds in the past 3 months (I needed to but not like this). I am a horrible mess.

Thanks to all!

What has brought her anger to the surface?

Do you still see the OW? Does your wife see the OW? How far away does she live?

Have you done anything to affair proof your marriage?

It sounds like your marriage never recovered from your affair. You ended the affair and stopped there. Real recovery takes more than that.

Have you read up on Just Compensation?

You also may need to move.

A recovered marriage has to be better than the pre-affair marriage. Has this been true for you? If not, then you have not really recovered. Are you and your wife spending at least 15 hours a week together alone, meeting each other's emotional needs? That is a good place to start.

What has been done on this list? What is left to do?

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I am really not sure what has brought it to the surface again. The OW moved shortly after the affair ended 100 + miles away (I was lucky). So we never see her and I havent spoken to her since it ended.

As far as affair proffing the marriage, yes and no. I just discovered this site and am learning how to do that. I had already done some of the things suggested.

I am reading about just compensation. No need to move the OW has already done so years ago.

All done.

Spending time together has been tough since this has come back up. Wife is ok and sometimes not. She says she is really angry about it.
I value this marriage and desperatly want it to work.

Also, I ordered and am reading "Surviving An Affair". My wife is not interested in it now but says she may read it later. She says she needs time to sort her thoughts....

I hate what I have done....

What does your wife say about why she is angry now?

She says she stayed because she was scared to be without our marriage. She wants to stay not because she is scared to be without me but for her love for me. She tells me she loves me but its not the same. She doesnt have anyone else. I believe I have poked around enough to rule that out. I think when the affair ended, she surpressed her feelings and never really dealt with them, did what she needed to do to heal us, and now the feelings are back.

When you say "all done" are you saying that you have done everything on the checklist? You have made it impossible for OW to contact you?

Are you and your wife fighting? Do you ever lose your temper?

When you and your wife spend time together, what sort of things do you do?

AM

Your wife can start her own thread here. Might be helpful to both of you.

I have suggested she check out this site. So far she hasnt that I know of. She says she needs time for the anger to pass.

Something must have triggered her anger. Have you asked her?

What exactly have you done?

What does she do in her time away from you? Does she have a job? What kind? What else?