Thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to see the different perspectives and what has worked for your situation. I come back and read all that each of you wrote on this topic often...still deciding on what I'm going to do.

My separated husband is done with the marriage. If you know my story, he moved out six months ago and has wanted a divorce ever since. There was someone else, but unfortunately for him she broke it off. He probably still has feelings for her. Regardless, he has moved on independently in his own place place.

He does not want to come back and has never wavered in his motives, feelings, and want of a divorce. I know he has been giving me time to become emotionally adjusted to the situation and hasn't really brought up divorce very often, but gives me indicators and reminders along the way that we should and need to be moving in that direction.

Last week I was all about moving on. Ultimately, I would like to do this uncontested. But in my state, I have two years. I've been dragging my feet, because I am just not emotionally there. I don't want this and never wanted this. Naturally he feels it is just another game to me and all about winning or getting my way. He doesn't understand it has nothing to do with that, but everything to do with my feelings and emotions.

How does one get on with things when I am so broken inside? The thought of losing my marriage has been difficult enough, but now he wants 50% custody. The thought of only having my children 50% of the time just rips my heart out. If we just sit down and talk, he says we can work something out, maybe not 50%. I know this is just a ploy to get this over with ASAP. Even if we agree to less than that on paper, I'm sure he could always ask for more after the divorce is final.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to spend their life with me, but I also don't want to destroy the sanctity of my marriage. I wanted to drag my feet, but now I feel pressured to get things done. How in the world am I supposed to come to terms with all this? All of my dreams are being shattered. I never wanted this for my family...my children.

I know he now feels this is a game and his pride will never let himself give in, because then he will be giving me what I want in his mind. He just wants "the opportunity to sit down and discuss all of this (divorce, custody, etc.)" but in my mind I'm thinking, why should I "give him the opportunity"? I was never given the opportunity to sit down and discuss our marriage. I was never given the opportunity to discuss or resolve our problems. I was never given the opportunity to go to counseling with him.

I don't want a bitter divorce. I don't want either of us to waste our money on litigation. That is money for our children's education. He will get the divorce in the end anyway. This can be uncontested, if I could just suck it up and do it. He doesn't want anything material; he just wants divorced.

I pray every night but I still have no direction. How do I just willingly sign a form and be a part of all this. How do I just participate in destroying my marriage. How do I reconcile this in my heart? Two steps forward, ten steps back today

Please stay on one thread!

In my case, I signed the divorce paperwork because I was satisfied that I had tried, to the best of my ability, to save my marriage.
During my wifes affair, I remained in Plan A up to the actual day of divorce court...when I sent her a No Contact text.

I wouldnt focus on reconciling it with your heart.
I would focus on reconciling the divorce with your mind. When there is a conflict between your heart and mind, listen to your mind.

WOS, I hope this doesn't fall on deaf ears but I think you are being very unstrategic about this whole situation. I know how hard it is to be objective about one's own situation so I am give you my perspective.

First off, i don't believe that your husband wants a divorce. He hasn't even filed. If he wanted a divorce, he would have ...... divorced you. Rather, he wants the freedom to pursue his affair while keeping you hanging around as an option. Unfortunately, you make yourself the LEAST attractive option by hanging around the fringes lapping up the occasional crumb.

You have made his affair and his abandonment so easy, while diminishing your own value by being so available.

If I were you, I would shut the door and go into a dark Plan B. Stop making yourself so available. Remove yourself from this triangle. Doing so will change your mental outlook enormously. You will gain an emotional detachment that will enable you to move on in the future if necessary.

And screw the divorce talk. It is all a pack of crap. You shouldn't be negotiating with a terrorist anyway who is just talking crap. Stop contributing to your own demise and stop talking about it. He has been talking about divorce for months and still has not filed.

Go into a DARK Plan B and if he serves you with divorce, let your attorney negotiate the conditions on your behalf.

Walking,

I just read through your thread and you were supposed to be in Plan B but are still communicating with him?

Was his affair ever exposed to senior management?
Did you find an IM?

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I needed to do that. Makes sense.

Sounds easy enough. Most days I am there, today not so much. This is good advice. I need to stay strong.

Can this thread please be moved to my "marital home" thread? I would much rather it be placed there if at all possible.

I appreciate and hear everything you are suggesting. I know you are right. If I try plan B, to the best of my abilities, and If he serves me and my attorney negotiates on my behalf...say we agree to everything..that would be far less expensive than had I contested it? Right? I guess I never thought of this. He keeps pushing for us to resolve together...to save thousands in attorney fees. I'm quite uneducated about this whole process. If I just have to cover the fees myself rather than splitting, then I think this is a good option for me. Or would it be thousands in attorney fees, even if uncontested? Of course I would have to deal with the possibility of my not agreeing to what is filed, Then it could get costly, I suppose? I just don't want to be a party to this who debacle...I don't want to file "jointly".

Can you answer my question?
Did you ever expose the affair to senior management?
Do you have an IM?

Not in plan B. I absolutely do not have anyone to mediate. I have been moving towards divorce, just having a REALLY bad day. I could have done it to the best of my abilities, but has Melody said, I haven't really tried.

Did you expose the affair to senior management?

I am on the clock and can't keep up with all the questions. I didn't expect anyone to respond right away. I am so thankful you did. I chose to go down the route I did. I am just really struggling today.

He didn't start talking to her until the day he dropped the bomb and moved out. It all happened very quickly. There is no evidence of anything other than a few conversations. Her boyfriend has a couple texts and I have a phone bill. All occurred after he moved out. I'm sure they already know from the boyfriend. If I involve myself, my own position will come under investigation and be jeopardized. I will not do that. Regardless, as I said, I chose the road I wanted to go down...which actually hasn't been a road at all. I need to be stronger and figure out what I'm going to do. Instead of just sitting here and letting it all happen to me, I need to be strategic.

If you want this moved to another board as I attempt a dark plan B, to the best of my abilities, and move towards divorce and letting go, I would very much like the support. I need it right now. He is my best friend...but I don't need friends like him. I need strength to move on and I can't with him in the picture.

Then you need to get an IM and do a real Plan B.

Thus far you have not done anything that was suggested to you for the past year.

If you dont want to expose the affair and want to divorce, hire an attorney and enter Plan B.

You are correct, I can't do the textbook plan B, and am well past plan A. You are correct, I did not do that textbook either, but I did it very well. Yes, I have taken and implemented quite a bit of the great advice given to me and for that I am very thankful.

I have an attorney, I'm trying to move forward with this. I would like to not have contact, but just to clarify, I cannot receive support from this board, or do plan B, unless I do have an IM? Is this correct? I need to know, because I do need to find a place for myself. This is going to be difficult for me.

You can't do Plan B without an IM.

I don't think you understand Plan B. It is a "no contact" plan designed to protect a betrayed spouse during an affair.

You write that you can't do a "textbook" Plan B but I don't understand why you can't. There are thousands of people in these forums that have been able to find an IM and go into Plan B.

Thank you, you are saying "no contact" means no other variation of the plan will achieve similar or same results of protecting oneself. To move forward with the plan on this board and receive support and advice, you must have an IM.

I understand thousands of people successfully had an IM. I have exhausted efforts in this respect, with the exception of walking up to a total stranger. I can try to not text or call (my downfall) and essentially just have him drop kids on his weekend, without even seeing him. This is not sufficient? I cannot claim I am in plan B and post here; is this correct?

Thanks for your help today. I will somehow get through this...just don't know how at the moment.

I'm not saying when you can post, I'm a poster like yourself.

What I am saying is that you need to find an IM.
In many cases you can actually use an email IM and all communication can go through the email.

But you will need an IM in case there is a change of plans, sick kids etc

No contact means No contact.

I would love to be able to find someone to do this for me. I am going to try to protect myself anyway. It won't be plan B, but at least it will help protect me somewhat and he won't continue to know that I am always here for him.

Thank you for everything

This will be my official thread/post and I'm sticking to it. The other can be deleted or fall off, or not, whatever. Today, I posted a separate thread titled, "Struggling with Reality" I've reposted it below, so my story does not get lost.

<<<My separated husband is done with the marriage. If you know my story, he moved out six months ago and has wanted a divorce ever since. There was someone else, but unfortunately for him she broke it off. He probably still has feelings for her. Regardless, he has moved on independently in his own place place.

He does not want to come back and has never wavered in his motives, feelings, and want of a divorce. I know he has been giving me time to become emotionally adjusted to the situation and hasn't really brought up divorce very often, but gives me indicators and reminders along the way that we should and need to be moving in that direction.

Last week I was all about moving on. Ultimately, I would like to do this uncontested. But in my state, I have two years. I've been dragging my feet, because I am just not emotionally there. I don't want this and never wanted this. Naturally he feels it is just another game to me and all about winning or getting my way. He doesn't understand it has nothing to do with that, but everything to do with my feelings and emotions.

How does one get on with things when I am so broken inside? The thought of losing my marriage has been difficult enough, but now he wants 50% custody. The thought of only having my children 50% of the time just rips my heart out. If we just sit down and talk, he says we can work something out, maybe not 50%. I know this is just a ploy to get this over with ASAP. Even if we agree to less than that on paper, I'm sure he could always ask for more after the divorce is final.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to spend their life with me, but I also don't want to destroy the sanctity of my marriage. I wanted to drag my feet, but now I feel pressured to get things done. How in the world am I supposed to come to terms with all this? All of my dreams are being shattered. I never wanted this for my family...my children.

I know he now feels this is a game and his pride will never let himself give in, because then he will be giving me what I want in his mind. He just wants "the opportunity to sit down and discuss all of this (divorce, custody, etc.)" but in my mind I'm thinking, why should I "give him the opportunity"? I was never given the opportunity to sit down and discuss our marriage. I was never given the opportunity to discuss or resolve our problems. I was never given the opportunity to go to counseling with him.

I don't want a bitter divorce. I don't want either of us to waste our money on litigation. That is money for our children's education. He will get the divorce in the end anyway. This can be uncontested, if I could just suck it up and do it. He doesn't want anything material; he just wants divorced.

I pray every night but I still have no direction. How do I just willingly sign a form and be a part of all this. How do I just participate in destroying my marriage. How do I reconcile this in my heart? Two steps forward, ten steps back today >>>

Responses to that post suggested I stay in plan B with an IM. If nothing, it will help me move on. Although I cannot implement B, I am going to try to make myself completely unavailable to him, so that I can achieve some level of peace with all of this. I will continue to search for an IM. There is an older lady down the street that watches the cat when we go away. She doesn't have messaging or email, but does have a phone. Maybe I could buy her a cell phone, with messaging, if she agrees to do this for me. I don't know if I could afford it though. Something I need to look into.

I do have a question regarding his continued phone calls with the children. Do I have to allow them to call him nightly? They are young elementary school age and he bought them iPhones that can just do FaceTime if in the home. It does not allow for phone calls or internet. I have participated in helping them do FaceTime and now they can do it themselves. Sometimes I am involved, sometimes not. To be honest, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't call them when they are at their fathers home, why should he call them here or require they call him? I don't want to hear his voice from another room and I don't want the temptation to slip in the room to hear their conversation or show my face.

Could this work against me in court, if it comes to that? Could this be viewed as preventing contact with their father? I just see it as so unnecessary and done because of guilt on his part.