You were not advised to separate very soon. You were told that the timeline should be gauged by how you are feeling.

Dr Harley recommends that men stay in Plan A for several months. He finds that most men have or can find the emotional strength to ride out the affair for some time, if it doesn't end on exposure. During that time you must avoid doing anything at all that makes love bank withdrawals, and make love bank deposits where she will let you.

The time to go to Plan B is when your love bank begins to deplete or your health suffers. At that time, Dr Harley recommends that, if you still have hope of recovering the marriage, YOU should move out without threats or anger. You tell her that this is the most painful event that you have ever lived through and you cannot take it any more. You do not ask or encourage your wife to move out if your goal is ever to recover the marriage. Dr Harley is firmly against asking the wife to move out in that circumstance.

Since you have children, you need to find out now from a lawyer what your rights and responsibilities towards them will be. You should aim for at least 50/50 residential custody. If you feel that you will be leaving them in an abusive situation then you should not leave, but ask a lawyer about gaining full custody. It may be possible to get a judge to stipulate that OM must not meet the children and certainly must not stay in your home.

All of this should be researched now, before it ever comes to the point of leaving. That is what "planning on a separation" means.

However, there is a hope that this is not even necessary. You haven't found out from HR whether that man still works there. Find that out and if he doesn't, that doesn't meant that the affair is definitely over and you should spy on her contacts, but it does mean that she is probably not seeing this man daily.

If he has left the job but they are still in contact, this is a standard affair which you first fight with Plan A. You do not move out at this early stage. Plan A is a lengthy process for men, if they want to do it the way Dr Harley advises.

Sugarcane is correct. Here is what Dr. Harley says on the matter.

Here is the entire thread on the matter. When Should a WW be asked to Leave?

I guess after a lot of thought over the weekend, I am just going into a long term Plan A. As painful as this year has been, I am not ready to plan for separation. I am going to work on not bringing up the affair whatsoever, and work extra hard for the next few months at depositing all the love units possible. I will however, bring up at least on a weekly basis, that I want her to find a new job, because I will never be okay with the situation as it is. I will do this as lovingly, and nice as possible, and emphasize that I only feel this way, because I care so much for the future of our marriage.

I will continue to keep a watchful eye, and snoop as much as possible, to watch for any sign of communication whatsoever. For the last two months, there has been no sign of communication at all, but she has told me about a few different encounters. The 1st was one day as he walked by, he muttered under his breath "It doesn't have to be weird", and on another occasion he stopped her in the hall, and asked "Has your husband calmed down yet"? I know that this is no indication, of whether or not there is some other communication going on. I also know, that even these small rare encounters cripple the recovery process, but I just don't know what else to do. The encounters that she mentioned, were prior to exposure, and she says that she has not even seen him in the area since exposure.(I know this also means nothing) I wish I could send a VAR into her work with her, but I just can't think of a way to make that happen, without her discovering it.

I guess right now, I have no other choice but to ride it out for a while. I have been on an AD (Welbutrin), for a few months, and this seams to have helped me stay focused.I will add, that ever since she changed her shift to Day shift, we have been able to find so much more time together. Now we see each other every evening, and go to bed together. I know that 16 years of working opposite shifts for our kids sake, was not good for our marriage. Early in the summer when I asked her to change shifts, she brought up how she didn't want to have to send our youngest son to "Daycare", I insisted that our Marriage needs to come first, and we will make the necessary adjustments where needed. I cannot force her to leave her job, but I will continue to do everything I can to improve our marriage.

I wish you luck.

So long as YOU allow your wife to still work with her AFFAIR PARTNER, her affair is STILL ACTIVE.


Since you have decided to abandon Dr. Harley's plan, and ignore workplace exposure, and follow Plan 'RR'....


Well, we all know where this is going, unfortunately.


Godspeed.

If I may, isn't Dr. Haley's advice for men regarding plan A and the stressful situation he would endure slightly contradicting. In the start here section of the SAA forum a thread is deliberateley highlighted "Men do not leave your home" with the examples of why not listed accordingly.

I understand all too well the never say die attitude in regards to saving ones marriage but if she, the Wife, doesn't relent on her affair however illicit she may be while continueing it, doesn't this enable her to do just what Harley says one whould not? By leaving her alone due to the stress she caused the Husband has now enabled the affair to take flight in the very home he worked to with whatever boundary the husband had in place now completely absent.

Wouldn't it make more sense to ask her to leave, albeit peacefully and respectfully, since it is her actions that have caused the marital turmoil to begin with?

Helpfordad,
As I said before, the last time you mentioned that, I have exposed in the workplace.

I have absolutely no evidence that the affair is ongoing, so what am I supposed to do? I have no other choice but to remain in plan A.

Here is the quote from doctor Harley I was given the other day.



Doesn't he say that I should remain in plan A as long as possible?

No. Dr. Harley is very clear that a husband in Plan A should not ask a cheating wife to leave the home.

RR,

I understand. However, I don't recall you ever addressed the questions several posters asked:

1. Who from / how many of 'upper management' contacted you directly to tell you they "addressed the situation"?

2. What does "they addressed the situation" mean? Was OM fired, removed from position, transferred?

3. Have you confirmed WW and OM do NOT work together any longer?


What say you?

This is the revised version of the letter, that I sent to her work. I sent this to multiple people, including his boss, and an HR representative. I decided that the first draft that I did was to lengthy, and I needed to clean it up a little. The only ones that actually replied back to me, were the HR person, and his boss. The HR person told me originally, that they would not be able to discuss details with me, and that I would probably get a standard reply. His boss is very high up, and is director of operations.


To whom it may concern,

This email is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.


XXXXXX, one of your department heads, pursued an inappropriate relationship with my wife XXXXXX . What started as compliments, progressed into long personal conversations in XXXXXX office. XXXXXX eventually gave my wife his personal cell phone number, which they began to use quite frequently. Over the course of a few months, they texted each other over 1,000 times. XXXXXX claims that towards the end of this relationship, XXXXXX began to make it clear that he wanted to have a physical relationship with her. At this point my wife made it clear to him that she just wanted to be friends, and didn't want to hurt her family. She cut off all communication with XXXXXX the first week of May. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also shows the complete lack of ethics this Manager has in regards to employee/boss relationships.


The reason for this email, is since the ending of this relationship, my wife has stated to me many times that the work place has become very awkward. She has related a few situations to me that seemed as though XXXXXX was deliberately trying to make it awkward for her. She is also afraid that she could be discriminated against in the future. Though she has relayed these situations to me, she has stated that she is too nervous to come forward and say anything, in fear that it could have a negative affect on her job. As her husband, I feel inclined to speak out at this time. I informed XXXXXX that I would be sending you this email.


My intent is not to provoke a negative situation. I only want to bring this to your attention in hopes that we can somehow resolve this conflict before it becomes a hostile work environment for XXXXXX. I am sure that at the very least addressing these ethics concerns with XXXXXX, can help to resolve this in a proper manner.

If you have any questions, please call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

XXXXXX



This is the reply I received from his boss.

Xxxx,

I just want to let you know that I have received this email and I will take care of the situation today. I will let you know when I have had a conversation with Xxxx. If Xxxxx continues to feel that there is an issue or if she feels that this will impact her situation here, please encourage her to come and speak to me. She just needs to make an appointment with my Managers assistant. Xxxxx xxxxx. I�m so sorry this has happened and I commit to both of you that I will take steps to address this immediately.

Xxxxxx xxxxxx
Operations Manager

Later I received a reply that said the situation had been addressed. Since then, my wife has not seen him come through the area like he used to do everyday. She says she has no idea what they did, but I personally think he probably received a strict warning. Anything I say, would just be speculation.

Without saying too much, this is a " high level" government agency, and there is no chance they are going to give me details of what they said or did to him, and quite frankly, I don't really want my wife to be trying to find out.

Bottom line is, I feel like I have done everything I can as far as work exposure.

Sir, this is the letter you should have sent.
Your letter sounds weak.

Government agency?
The way you rock the boat with an agency is to contact your member of Congress.
That causes 100 times more scrutiny than just contacting the agency

Jedi,
I pretty much used that exact template, but I had to modify it to my wife's situation. A lot of the stuff said in the template you used, would be a lie if I said them. The contents in my email are true to my knowledge, and I also sent a PDF file that showed a whole bunch of texts between them.

I have exposed in the workplace to the best of my ability. I am not going to tell a bunch of lies. If I did that, I would be stooping to the level of those who have hurt me. Sorry if that isn't good enough for you.

RR,
You continue to hide behind your personal ethics/moral code and symantics. While it is admirable that "you won't stoop to the level of others", in a war, you need to use all weapons at your disposal. And you are in a war for your marriage.

Read the Art of War, apply the tactics.

I fear that you have let so many opportunities pass.

Jedi proposed you contact your congressman, that is an interesting tactic, use the correct letter template this time.

Sir,
Listening to you water down your wife's affair to "inappropriate relationship" reminds me of President Clinton on television admitting he had an "inappropriate relationship."

I think when he did that, he forever changed the definition of "adultery" to "inappropriate relationship."

Half of your letter was defending and excusing your wife's affair.
It's little wonder nobody took you seriously.

It's not my marriage. It's yours. It's your life.

Weeks ago, I suggested you post OM on Cheaterville to put heat on this affair. Was that done?

Your marriage cannot survive if she does not leave the workplace. You should not only change jobs but move far away.

Every agency has a liason that interacts with members of Congress.
When the liason receives correspondence from a member of Congress, it receives special priority. It is flagged and any file involved with the inquiry is flagged.

The agency literally dots the i's and crosses the t's in it's investigation and/or response to the member of Congress.

You have nothing to lose by doing this.

RR,

"pursued an inappropriate relationship with my wife..."

"since the ending of this relationship..."

Really? No wonder their response seems as wishy-washy as your wording in your letter!

Let's translate:

"My WW and XXXX are engaged in an adulterous affair that continues so long as they work together at your place of business....etc"

Now, wording like THAT will get you somewhere, and your W outta there!

Actually, just the opposite is true. Government agencies are more accountable to disclose their handling of ethics matters than private employers are.

So, like I said before...you want me to tell a complete lie. I have absolutely no proof that they have even said a word to each other. I am not going to be spreading lies, by saying they are engaged in an adulterous affair. If I had even a shred of evidence, a note,a text content of any kind, a voice recording of anything. I exposed the best I could with the only evidence I had, which was a phone bill of texts between them, and my wife's testimony.