This is long and I'm sorry. Just really confused and feeling beaten down right now. In 2012, my husband had his own driving school. One of his female students, single, about 10 years younger than him, became more than a student...not in a physical way, I don't think. She is/was an alcoholic, bipolar crazy person who had been in a self-destructive pattern and was looking for help, I guess, when she found my lovely husband who has white knight syndrome. This isn't the first time he has helped a "damsel in distress" but this went too far. That year, he helped her out of bars when she was passed out drunk; rescued her from an abusive boyfriend; took her Christmas shopping (because she didn't know how to drive, of course). He also spent time texting and even on Christmas Eve, when the kids were over and we had our family dinner and annual poker session, he stayed downstairs claiming he had to wrap gifts. On later review of phone records, he was texting that night until well past midnight...for hours. Of course I didn't know any of this.

Fast forward a month to January 2013. Around the 6th, he got a cell phone call while we were having dinner, and he WENT OUTSIDE to take it!! Then she started calling the home phone, for about an hour. I demanded to know WTH was going on when he finally told me about her. I was more than livid. I finally answered the phone and told her to stop calling but she continued to text him (I didn't get to see these--he deletes everything). We had a long talk the next day when he admitted to all this. He said she had "thrown herself" at him but he pushed her away. The next day she said she had given her ex-boyfriend our address and he was going to come and hurt us. Again, I screamed at my husband for his stupidity and putting our family in danger. Thankfully it was just a threat. He promised that day there would be no further contact.

A week later, he is in our office on his computer, behind me. I turn around and, you guessed it, he was on another email address writing to her. I turned into a screaming monster and about killed him. He said he was just trying to get rid of her. I found out that in a couple of months there were more than 600 texts between them. He wrote another email that he copied me on and said he would have nothing else to do with her. Then we started marriage counseling which was a waste of time.

Just about 2 weeks ago, I was in his email. Things have been better over the last year, or so I thought. I don't routinely look at his email and he has even asked me to go into it and check one thing or the other. Well, I had ordered him a new computer for his birthday. Long story but I had to use his PayPal account, which then went to his email. I didn't want him to see that so I deleted those notices and then went into his "sent" email so I could delete those as well.

There was an email conversation he had forgotten to delete, from 2 weeks earlier.

It was pretty cryptic from him to her, but her original email made it sound like it was just one of many emails. She said she missed him, loved him, and only drank because she "felt so alone without him." She said, "Perhaps we should lay low for a while until I figure things out." She also acknowledged his "real situation" and "know it will never change."

Livid does not describe my reaction. We were due to start our vacation the next day. Not wanting to ruin this, I let it slide--not my usual practice. I continued to email her from his account, posing as him, asking her "What do you mean by perhaps we should lay low?" and other questions that sounded like him. I checked his email every day while we were on vacation--no response from her and none to this day. When we got home I just lost it and wrote to her from my own account, telling her in a pretty vicious manner to stay away and what would happen if she didn't.

I confronted him that night. His response was that he had only had a couple of emails from her and was trying to get rid of her, didn't want to upset me by telling me. Me=LIVID AGAIN. I accused him of betrayal, said he promised me twice and this was the third time. He was very repentant and said again there had been no physical contact at all, that he told her he was in love with his wife, etc. But I said, you lied to me and said if there was any further contact you would tell me immediately. He started to confront me with some "old" issues we've had, and I told him to stay on the point.

He claims to not know her address or phone number. I am just at a loss right now. I was ready to leave when I found all this out. I cannot trust him at all. He worked overtime on Monday, 3 hours, and he NEVER works overtime. I don't believe him, don't trust him, and don't know what to do next. Install a keylogger? Thanks for reading my long post.

I'm sorry but there is no way, NONE that an EA since 2012 hasn't become a physical affair. Not that it matters, an emotioinal obsession is just as destructive if not more so.

Affairs are addictions. He won't quit on his own and no amount of screaming at him (anger is a huge no, no and simply justifies the affair to the addict) or confronting him is going to work.

Exposure is the only chance you have. Put together a full exposure list and expose as directed in our Exposure 101 thread. I trust you have already read Dr H's advice.

Once you have exposed, get ready for Plan B, which is a controlled separation. You have been subjecting yourself to this abuse for far too long. Anger does not suggest to him that you are serious. He expects you to get mad but as long as you act weak, scared and angry - he's got a shot at keeping the addiction AND you.

Thanks. I know the anger is not good but I was just so shocked to see more email. If she hasn't written back, I also wonder if he has another email account, thus the keylogger perhaps? I should also mention we have been married 31 years, not that it matters, I guess.

Agree with all Indie posted. Your WH is lying. There is no way this isn't more than an EA.

Unless you are willing to expose and get off the crazy train, this will continue to be your life.

Welcome to MB.

Thank you. I have a few questions. I've checked phone records all year and never saw any kind of pattern. I don't know her phone number, address, or even her last name. He told me once she worked at a local community college so I went to their staff list and could not find her. I KNOW he knows her number and address but claims not to because she was "just a student" and paid cash for her driving training.

Our sex life is actually pretty good except now I have no interest whatsoever. He's never been out of town and has a local job. I guess I'm trying to figure out why you would think this is more than an EA. Should I "expose" when I have no proof except her email which alluded to "laying low"? Am I being naive to think this is a "fatal attraction" kind of thing?

Welcome to MB.

They probably have a secret phone and/or email.

Do you have copies of the emails? Do you still have her number from the phone records?

Search her email and number for a name, so you can expose.

Does she still have a BF?

I've looked through all his stuff when he was asleep and could not find another phone anywhere. I have a copy of the last email (from 2 weeks ago) and then another a year ago. I had her number nicknamed "stalker" with our carrier, but it hasn't appeared in 6 months; we've changed carriers since then. The old carrier won't tell me what that "stalker" number was.

I don't know if she has a BF. My husband said he heard she got married, but that's sure not what her email sounds like.

Can you get her name bye entering the cell phone here http://safecaller.com/index.php

You are going to have to find our who this is. Can you hire a PI?

Sorry you are here but this is the best place to be in your situation. Yes you should install a key logger and anything else you can think of. And I agree with everyone else your H is at the very least having an EA but my guess is it is already a PA as well but he is just lying to you.

There are not too many wayward spouses that just say �yes honey I am having an affair�, they all lie and lie some more. My H and I were married almost 25 years when he had his. Keep looking and EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE.

Because it is highly unusual to carry on an EA for two yrs when there is opportunity for PA (and there has been plenty based on what you describe). Women typically don't tell a man she loves him, misses him, has to drink out of loneliness etc if there isn't more going on.


Yes you can still expose (and should start preparing) but you should get the keylogger on there and do more snooping as well.



There are plenty of pathetic bunny boilers out there but you only have your WH's description of this women...and he is a liar. It is not uncommon for WHs to blame the OW and make her out to be a crazed nut who won't leave them alone. Either way, the problem is your WH. He is not being honest and is throwing you crumbs and lame excuses.

Do you have children? If so, how old are they? Is your/his family nearby?

We have 3 children...one 33 yo daughter, just got married...one 27 yo unemployed son, living with us for 3 years, anxiety and depression issues...one 19 yo son living with us, going to community college and working so busy all the time. I did tell my daughter about it when it first happened. I tried to tell my sons but the younger one didn't want to know about it and the other one is already too messed up with emotional issues. My parents are dead. Have one living brother with his own emo issues. Husband has mom, 86, Alzheimer's. I work at home telecommuting. I really have no close girlfriends. We do have a close friendship with a couple; husband has know the guy for 40+ years, childhood friend, and if I knew for sure of an affair they would be the first I would go to, I think.

I agree with the others that this was a PA. There is much much more to learn about his relationship with this woman.

No she is not a bunny boiler who has been stalking him. He has been a VERY active participant.

Your WH has been leading a SSL and LYING to you for the past two years. Do NOT trust one single thing that comes out of his mouth.

What snooping do you have in place?

You should have:
~keyloggers
~spyware on his phone
~GPS
~VAR in car or other areas where he may use an "affair" phone

There is much much more to this story

Sorry and welcome to MB.

Hi savage39. The things your husband has told you are completely unbelievable and illogical. The details you posted show that your husband invested a lot of his time in this woman and I can see NOTHING that indicates that he pushed her away... just the opposite actually.


My WH also tried to gaslight me and was successful for awhile because I WANTED to believe that my husband and father of my children was being honest with me. I was floored when I finally got the truth felt like a complete schmuck.

Stop believing what he says and look at his actions.


There is NO WAY a driving school would take a student out in a car without their personal details regardless of the payment method. It would be a liability issue if there was an accident. He is gaslighting you and protecting the OW.

We, who are not emotionally connected can clearly see that this was a physical thing with the OW and most likely has gone underground now that you are watching them.

Can you be strategic and install spyware on the electroncs and a VAR/GPS in the car?

You stated that he HAD a driving school...what is he doing now?

I am sorry that you are in this position but you have found a safe place here. Don't tell your husband about MB.

Please read. Please Explain Gaslighting

Wow, yes, I can see there has been a lot of gaslighting going on. For the past few years he has made mention of things that seem to make me "crazy." He'll do the thing where he says he wants me to do something, and then when I do it, I wasn't supposed to do that and didn't he tell me not to? I'm starting to feel a little ill...

He stopped the driving school (it was his own business) when he got a full-time job. It really only paid well during the summer. He now drives a bus for a medical facility and I can't see where he would have any time for the OW, but I guess they can make time, can't they?

I have been researching keyloggers today. I do have a recording pen, but I'm not sure how long the batteries last.

I have read and re-read this last email between OW and husband, and I can't stand to read it anymore. His email to her sounds like a continuation of another email, which is gone. He states there were only one or two more. I call BS. I am going to post it below. Tell me what you think. WHen I read this email to him, all he could say was "I have no idea what she's talking about."I so appreciate it all your help.





My comment about motive was more complicated than it sounded. There seemed to be no point in trying to explain anything at that time, so I didn't. Your assault made conversation impossible. I understood your reaction; I understand more about you than you know. I felt that any effort I made was going to make things worse, so I let you explode. I couldn't help you, so I didn't try. I'm sorry for that. I just continued to stare at the phone as if something would change. I just do my best to stay calm, stay focused.

________________________________________
From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, August 20, 2014 12:18:21 PM
Subject: responding

No, you don't. Okay, now I know what you meant. I am trying to be vague in these emails but it is hard. Didn't the crazy drunken texts I sent you a while back upset you? They would have me. Crazy. Anyway, I thought somehow leaving everything behind and changing my situation would somehow make me happy. Now, I am realizing it may not have and I just want my old life back, without the drinking. I will have to figure out what to do. Thought I had already lost you completely. However, your situation would never change. That is why I asked you that one last time, is there any chance. Your response was what is the motive. I understand. It just is what it is. I was always alone with alcohol to "comfort" me. I went insane. I missed you all the time. And I took it out on you when I was in that state. I love/d you, despite of my actions. I never wanted to hurt her either. Well, I don't know what I will do now. I will figure it out. Please don't worry, I will be okay. I hope you are. I am sorry if I hurt you. I am not sure why I can't stop thinking about you. Perhaps we should just lay low for a while until I figure things out. It doesn't help that I don't have time to deal with much as I work all day and night. Well, I will get some time off soon. And... I never knew your real situation. Somehow, I know we will always be connected no matter what. don't know what else to say via email right now. Plus I am at work. I hope you are okay.

She is trying to get him to leave you for her.

Have you tried a reverse email lookup? There are several websites that allow you to type in an email address and it will identify the owner.

Your H has told you a lot of lies about this affair. It appears to be a pretty entrenched long term affair, highly likely to be very physical as well.

I am sorry for your situation. However, you will find the best possible information here for busting up an affair and recovering a marriage.

AM

A good key logger is e-blaster at spectorsoft.com. You can also place spyware on his cell phone that has a built in GPS. [teensafe is good] Iphones do have a GPS app you can activate.

Of course, the best bet is to hire a PI for a couple of days. They can usually get everything you need in a couple of days.

Savage,
I am very sorry about your situation.
I am using webwatcher as a key logger. It also does a great job on spying on the computer.

I am also using voice activated recorders. They work very well.
You can attach them under the seat of the car and other places using velcrow. (Spelling?)

I bought Optimus brand at best buy. (About $60 each)
You MUST be sure to change the mode to voice activated mode.
(If you buy it at radio shack, they can teach you the basics on how yo use it.)

Again, be sure to set them on voice activated mode.

Can you afford a PI? Private Investigators

I can't afford a PI. We can barely pay our bills. I make the majority of the money, and he's been in a low-paying job the past 3 years so we have gotten way behind. He's had opportunities but for some reason won't take them (and no, OW does not work with him). I will spring for the keylogger today.

Today I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't sleep at night at all. Husband is being VERY lovy, texting me love notes and today wants to go away for our anniversary on the 21st. He says he is trying to get the morning of the 22nd off (Monday) but that he needs to be back in the afternoon for a special trip they need him for. Ummm...not believe that for a second. Last Monday he worked 3 hours of overtime and he NEVER works overtime. He is also never given "special trips" (well, I think he was once on a Saturday), and this one is a Monday evening again.

I tried a reverse email lookup, even purchased Spokeo. Her email address showed up as some guy in Poland! I tried her old email address and it was a woman in England. So obviously that's not going to work.