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okiegal,
Without transparency you have NO way to verify that he is not viewing porn.

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Originally Posted By: 1995droptopz
Are you sure that the tablet deletes the history each time its shut down, or was it set-up by your husband to do so? It sounds fishy, since every device I have used stores history unless it is set up to do otherwise.

I would be more suspicious of a tablet set-up to delete browsing history automatically. Sounds like something a person with something to hide would do.

I agree with this.

The default for every device I've used for web browsing, whether it's a PC, tablet, or phone, keeps a log of web pages visited. A user has to manually change settings to get the browser to automatically delete history.

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I thought it was deleting every time it was shut down b/c the history was gone by the next day. It doesn't actually delete it when it is shut down, though, as I tried it today. It may delete every new day. I don't know. I do know that when I went into the settings, there was a way to program it to delete history and it had not been set to do that. You guys are right that I might be dealing with porn issues, but I'm afraid all this talk is doing nothing but upsetting me. I will continue to snoop and if I see a good reason to set something up on his tablet, I will. In the meantime, I really need to focus on putting my marriage together, not on spying. I don't have any reason to suspect foul play at this time.

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Originally Posted By: Okiegal
I thought it was deleting every time it was shut down b/c the history was gone by the next day. It doesn't actually delete it when it is shut down, though, as I tried it today. It may delete every new day. I don't know. I do know that when I went into the settings, there was a way to program it to delete history and it had not been set to do that. You guys are right that I might be dealing with porn issues, but I'm afraid all this talk is doing nothing but upsetting me. I will continue to snoop and if I see a good reason to set something up on his tablet, I will. In the meantime, I really need to focus on putting my marriage together, not on spying. I don't have any reason to suspect foul play at this time.

You need to put a keylogger/spyware on all his devices.


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: Okiegal
I thought it was deleting every time it was shut down b/c the history was gone by the next day. It doesn't actually delete it when it is shut down, though, as I tried it today. It may delete every new day. I don't know. I do know that when I went into the settings, there was a way to program it to delete history and it had not been set to do that. You guys are right that I might be dealing with porn issues, but I'm afraid all this talk is doing nothing but upsetting me. I will continue to snoop and if I see a good reason to set something up on his tablet, I will. In the meantime, I really need to focus on putting my marriage together, not on spying. I don't have any reason to suspect foul play at this time.


See I think you DO have a good reason already because the chances are quite high that you've made a pretty unrealistic assumption.

You and your husband were locked in a cycle that was upsetting to you both. Porn use; stopping porn use; backsliding; you asking; him confessing; presumably you get upset; presumably he gets upset.

Something in this cycle DID stop. Your assumption is it was the porn. From your perspective what needed to stop was the porn. Why wouldn't he stop when that's what the marriage needs? So when he says 'I've stopped' - to you this makes perfect sense all round.

Not to him; a porn addict unable to stop. Certainly not when you are so willing to afford privacy and trust to his addiction. To him it would be much better if you simply didn't ask/didnt know. That would be enough to stop the cycle reaching the 'everyone is upset' stage.

You've assumed the porn has stopped but it's more realistic to at least consider that it was the confessing that stopped.

Why do you need 'a reason' to check on what is happening to your mariage?

You've seen him withdraw from you and ask you to look like some fantasy. These are not reasons?

If you find nothing, at least you've checked and know you aren't working the wrong solution based on false information.

Is it upsetting? Yes - but its quicker.

Personally I think its more upsetting to be told 'It's because you're unattractive.'


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Hello. I've been off of here for awhile. I found out that I had been trying to access my husband's viewing history incorrectly. When I did figure it out, I was pleased to find he had not been viewing porn. Recently, however, he has been looking at models...anorexic looking ones.
After dyeing my hair back to its natural color and refusing to workout to get the body he wants, I tried watching football with him and playing tennis and even board games. I thought things were going well. However, he told me last Saturday that this method of meeting other needs was not working to make him feel more attracted to me. He said if I could accept that, we could try to have a good marriage anyway. He said I pressure him (didn't know I was) to say and feel more attracted to me than he really is. I have been trying to deal with that all week and haven't wanted to sleep with him. Then I saw he was beginning to look up models.
So, in order to not run the rat race of hair dye, workouts, and diets, I have to accept he is only "somewhat" attracted to me (his words). Am I living in a fantasy world in my mind? I mean, do all wives want to think of themselves as their husband's ideal? If I can let my pride go in this area, I think we can make it, but it's so hard. And I don't know whether to tell him I know about the models or keep it secret so I can continue to monitor it.

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I should mention that he has a history of being suddenly very unsatisfied with my looks when he gets stressed and he has been complaining that his new job is very stressful. He asked me last Saturday to start exercising. When I said no, he then proceeded to tell me what I already stated above.

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Originally Posted By: Okiegal
Hello. I've been off of here for awhile. I found out that I had been trying to access my husband's viewing history incorrectly. When I did figure it out, I was pleased to find he had not been viewing porn. Recently, however, he has been looking at models...anorexic looking ones.
After dyeing my hair back to its natural color and refusing to workout to get the body he wants, I tried watching football with him and playing tennis and even board games. I thought things were going well. However, he told me last Saturday that this method of meeting other needs was not working to make him feel more attracted to me. He said if I could accept that, we could try to have a good marriage anyway. He said I pressure him (didn't know I was) to say and feel more attracted to me than he really is. I have been trying to deal with that all week and haven't wanted to sleep with him. Then I saw he was beginning to look up models.
So, in order to not run the rat race of hair dye, workouts, and diets, I have to accept he is only "somewhat" attracted to me (his words). Am I living in a fantasy world in my mind? I mean, do all wives want to think of themselves as their husband's ideal? If I can let my pride go in this area, I think we can make it, but it's so hard. And I don't know whether to tell him I know about the models or keep it secret so I can continue to monitor it.


I can't tell you when to reveal that you know he is looking at models, but I can tell you are not enthusiastic about it and that he needs to stop doing it. He is setting up a contrast effect that no woman can compete with. This is the number one thing keeping him from being attracted to your appearance.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I would really love to know if my view of marriage is skewed. I grew up without a father and I think I may have read too many fairy tales. Is it normal to expect your husband to be completely happy with your looks and not wish parts of you looked different. Perhaps many wives know their husbands wish they looked better, but it doesn't really bother them. I need a reality check. Thanks in advance.

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Quote:
He is setting up a contrast effect that no woman can compete with. This is the number one thing keeping him from being attracted to your appearance.

Yes!


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Okiegal
I would really love to know if my view of marriage is skewed. I grew up without a father and I think I may have read too many fairy tales. Is it normal to expect your husband to be completely happy with your looks and not wish parts of you looked different. Perhaps many wives know their husbands wish they looked better, but it doesn't really bother them. I need a reality check. Thanks in advance.

You're not the problem, here.
The problem is the contrast effect your husband is creating by looking at models.

My husband loves the way I look. HOWEVER, if he were allowing himself to look at anorexic girls 10 years younger than me, he would likely not enjoy my looks as much. The contrast effect KILLS attraction.


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What to do with an Angry Husband

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I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I know how it feels. Most (NOT ALL) of what I am telling you here is from advice I have received directly from MB coaching/Dr. Harley.


You don't need a reality check. Your reality is that your husband chooses to put his focus elsewhere. Even if he weren't looking at models, he could choose to look anywhere for greener grass. You have done everything you could (from what I remember) to accommodate his obsession. I find it offensive when people say that they could never compare to someone younger etc. There are always better and worse comparisons. You cannot change your husband's self-deprecating habit of comparing his own wife unfavorably. Yes, the contrast effect is real, but he has more control over this factor, and you have tried to do your part.

There is a difference between radical honesty and disrespect. When he starts saying CRITICAL things like "I can't be attracted to you because..." try to stay pleasant,calm and walk away. Let him know that you need a few minutes break. Don't feed the monster. Keep trying to meet that need the best that you can, but Remember that while physical attractiveness is a high need for most males, it is not an INTIMATE emotional need, and most porn addicts need their drug (a female object/fantasy) when they get stressed. Also, it is the INTIMATE emotional needs that supposedly build the most romantic love.

Don't engage him when he is like that. You CANNOT solve his stress for him. Leave the room so that you cannot be party to his negativity. Try to discern if what he is saying is a reasonable thoughtful request, or a judgment/criticism of you.

Judgement/Criticism? Don't engage. Pleasantly leave.
Thoughful, Respectful Request? Say something like: "Thank you for sharing. I will take that into consideration."

I'm so sorry for your loss.



Last edited by DidntQuit; 11/14/14 07:08 PM. Reason: Clarify
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Okiegal Offline OP
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Really great advice. Thank you everyone. I didn't know "porn addicts need their drug when they get stressed." That really hits home. If porn is not allowed, I become the drug and I don't measure up to that fake stuff. That explains the costumes, the wigs, the attempts at changing me, and the worsening during stressful times in his life. I didn't realize porn messed with marriage on so many levels. I will try the "pleasantly leave" vs "take it into consideration" method.

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One of the best things that we can learn from Dr. Harley is to learn to calm or remove ourselves when we feel stressed or angry. This helps us to think more intelligently instead of reacting emotionally. It is a huge challenge when you are hurt.

For an addict, there is never "just one". You cannot calm him down. He has to learn to manage his own emotions, and you can help by being respectful and not enabling or engaging in negativity.

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Oh...and by the way. It wouldn't be respectful to call him a porn addict. You cannot teach him or enlighten him. Just try to meet his PA need the best you can.

Are you guys doing UA time of 15 hours and meeting ALL 4 Intimate emotional needs?

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Still working on that. I got him to agree to reading His Needs Her Needs with me. We are reading through it in the evenings together.

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You could also write the radio show again. I remember when you were on the first time.

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Just try to meet his PA need the best you can.

It will be impossible to meet this need as long as the contrast effect is going on. He must stop looking at porn/models first.


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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True. I guess what I was saying is to keep doing everything she can to stay attractive. I would hate to see her give up because the situation feels hopeless.

As for the porn/models...I agree. But he is not here, she is.

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But he is not here, she is.

So?

The problem is still that he is creating a contrast effect, and it is impossible for her to meet this need right now. No matter what she does, she will never look like one of those models. No woman looks like one of those models, I don't care how attractive they are. Even the models don't look like models. It's all photoshopped.

So it doesn't matter how attractive she is. In all honesty, if I remember correctly from her previous posts, she is a good looking woman. Encouraging her to keep trying to meet his need for PA when it is impossible for her is setting her up for a breakdown.

The answer is to insist that he quit the porn/models. She simply cannot compete. She must set the bar high and insist that he stop.


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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