I am somewhat new to this site and was referred here by a friend that is a member here.

I have been divorced for about 9 years, gone on many dates but never really connected with anyone. Late last year I met a very nice lady online and we hit it off very nicely. We took things slow and really have tried to get to know each other.

Since then, we have become very close and have developed deep feelings for each other. However, as we get closer, I find it brings on a lot of anxiety in me. My GF and I have talked about this and she feels the same way at times. We truly love being together but it scares us at times also. (Like many divorces, mine left me devastated for years which I know has to be a factor for me).

Most times when I am with her, I am very comfortable and extremely happy. But other times I worry about things not working out, or going through the pain of my divorce, etc.

Has this happened to anyone here? I have read that this is somewhat common during new relationships.

Sir,

I encourage you to read the book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders by Dr. Willard Harley.
The book addresses your concerns and gives you a plan for a lasting love.

Hi SG, welcome to Marriage Builders. I can understand your anxiety since the divorce rate is 50%. The reason you are so anxious is because you don't know how a great, solid marriage is created, which is understandable. But if you have a plan to create a great, divorce proof marriage, you won't end up divorced. And you won't be anxious about taking this relationship to the next step.

I agree with Jedi that you should read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders, but I would also get Fall in Love, Stay in Love.

A great marriage does not happen by accident or by fairy magic, but by DESIGN, unlike what popular culture teaches. If you understand the design you will feel safe because you can design your marriage with this woman.

This is an excellent article that addresses your fears:

Fear of Marriage By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.

Here's a good read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I downloaded Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders last night and made it to Chapter 6 before falling asleep. It is a wonderful book and I am really enjoying it.

I hope it helps me rid myself of my insecurities and allows me to be a wonderful partner.

I am assuming I should suggest my partner read it also?

That would be a great idea! Did you have a chance to read the article I posted?

Yes, I read that also. There is lots of good info at this site. And as I mentioned, I love the book. Going to read some of Dr. Harley's other books also.

BRF is an excellent book and especially on dating.

Tell us what your GF thinks. Have you read the concept of POJA(policy of Joint agreement) yet?

Not yet but I am getting there. It is mentioned in the early chapters of BRF,

Good. Dr. Harley strongly recommends to use POJA while dating to use as a measure on how well you are able to apply it with your partner. Let us know how that goes.

Wanted to follow up on my post of a few weeks ago.

I read Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. It is a wonderful book and really helped. I discussed it and POJA with my GF and she was very interested in the concepts. She hasn't read it yet but it sure got us talking about things.

I was surprised to learn that she also has relationship anxiety. We both came from broken marriages that neither one of us wanted. So those memories can bring baggage (such as insecurity) into a new relationship. She says there are times when she is really worried about losing me and I admitted I feel that way about her. But also, I can feel myself getting scared when my feelings keep getting deeper for her. But I do believe that I should not let fear of being hurt stand in the way of a healthy relationship.

Personally I have read up on "relationship anxiety" quite a bit since my initial post. Sounds like it can be pretty common especially if you have been burned in the past.

Anyway, I feel that at least I have a better understanding of what I was feeling a few weeks ago, and that it is normal for some people. Coming to grips with why I was feeling that way has helped me a lot.

Am wondering if anyone here dealt with anxiety during the early phases of their relationships?

SG1966,

What do you know about this GFs previous relationships, not what she told you, but what others have told you and you have observed or felt yourself.

God Bless
Gamma

Good question. She has told me much of her life story since we met last year and everything adds up. (One of the best ways to catch someone in a lie is to ask them the same question at different times and you will get different answers). Not that I have ever tried catching her in a lie but when we talk about things, her stories never waver.

I had a discussion with her dad a while back and he started talking in depth about her life story. Everything he told me matched what she told me from day one. So I know she is completely honest.

Things that I also know is she is very sensitive. She takes things to heart and when we talk, I am very careful of how I articulate things. Over time, that seems to be getting easier as we have gotten to know each other.

We both talk openly about our previous marriages and what we would do differently now.

I see nothing but wonderful things in her. She is open, honest and never places any demands on me. She is a wonderful mom and a good worker. She is very pretty and has a girl-next-door glow to her. No addiction issues or any red-flags at all.

As for me, I am very attracted to her emotionally and physically. I really have fallen in love with her since meeting last year and she has with me also.

So my problem that I deal with is fear. Fear of being hurt.