Hello MarriageBuilder Forum!

This is the first time in my life that I actually join a community to talk about my problems so I hope you forgive me if I do something wrong. I just do not know where to turn anymore.

My wife(24) and me(28) met 5 years ago while working for a company in Germany. Our homes where 10.000km apart (She in Asia, me in Europe) at that time and we had to go through some periods of Long Distance at the start. However we made it through, moved in together and got married later. My wife stayed with me in Europe for the beginning and we moved to Asia later so she can be closer to her family. I have a 8 year old daughter from a past relationship and more or less left her for my wife and only visit her on the big days of her life while trying to keep contact over phone / video otherwise.

Our relationship had it's up and downs like every other relationship to and my wife is usually the person that gets along better with guys than with girls. I never had any problem with that and never had any reasons not to trust her. 2 years ago however I started noticing her guarding her phone like a hawk and become suspicious. She was texting all day and when I got a chance to check the phone all messages were deleted. I confronted her, she swore there was never anything going on and she broke contact with him. (I was present and approved the message). My trust returned after a while and everything continued as usual.

During the last 6 months my wife is playing an online game for a large amounts of time and has a very close friend in there that she plays it with. Since this is nothing too unusual in an online game and since i trusted her I didn't bother her about it and decided to let her have fun. This is where the trouble started. She stayed up all night to play and I was sleeping alone. She requested more and more "me time" and our sex life started to plunge. When I asked her whats wrong she said she is "just so stressed", yet we have no kids and she doesn't go to work. She said she misses USA (the place she grew up) and we made a trip together. She seemed happier on the trip yet kept emotionally distant from me and was still keeping contact with this friend even outside of the game via Whatsapp and other means of communication. On the flight home she cried and said she didn't want to leave this place and I decided to make her happy and move there with her.

The next months we prepared to move there yet her distance kept growing. Their nights of playing together became more of a 2 person chatroom in remote places in the game and I started to know something was up, yet was hoping for her to make the right decisions because I just don't like to limit people on how they spend their time and with whom, and trust in their ability to make mature decisions. Shortly after that we started to move. Because of flight prices and since I haven't visited my daughter in a long time we agreed that I go to Europe first, and she will spend some more time with her family before we reunite in USA a few weeks later. We did long distance in the past and are used to it so I never thought it would be a problem.

About 2 weeks into the trip I got a Skype call and she told me to go to a room and sit down. This is where she dropped the bomb. "I think we should break up". I thought I was dreaming. We were married, went through so many troubles and she wants to end it with a call from 10.000km away, while we are in the process of moving to another continent together? I didn't give in to that. I fought with everything i could to save my marriage. I heard all the key phrases here basically.

"I love you but i am not sure if i am in love with you"
"Its not you its me"
"You deserve better"

We decided to try it again and also decided to get counsling in USA but there was a lingering problem below all of that. She wanted to visit the place where her online friend lives. Since she got many friends there in general she assured me he isn't the main reason but that she cannot promise me to stay faithful during the trip. When i asked her why she mentioned that I am the only partner she has ever been with and is kind of curious how it would be with someone else. I am a very understanding person and very open minded so if that was something she needed to do then she can go do that, who am I to stop her if that is what she thinks is best. When asking her about who it is it was of course the one guy she spend so much time with. I didn't feel right about it but after asking her about her reasons she said that he is a virgin and that she just wants to try out of fun. I agreed with the rule that she tells me everything that is going on and how it happened. During the days leading up to Singapore she kept me updated about her "progress" into seducing him and she was never as open and honest as during this time. She also told me she booked her flight to USA and can't wait to see me.

On the night that it happened she sent me a message after the deed was done and said it wasn't as good or as exciting as she thought it would be. She was severely disappointed and the whole thing didn't last longer than 30 minutes. I asked her on the details on numerous occasions and while most of the details stayed the same parts of the story changed. This whole thing happened a week ago.

Since she is back from her trip everything is different. She doesn't tell me anything about what is happening. She doesn't want to spend time with me and the flight she says she booked to USA was a lie. She also doesn't care about marriage counsling anymore and says she changed her mind. She had Skype Sex with him the day after arriving back home and is spending at least 6 hours a day playing video games with him. Since I am already sitting all alone in a new country waiting for her I confronted her about the flight, (I contacted the carried to check if its booked and they told me it wasn't), I couldn't keep my temper anymore and told her to wake up and look at what she is doing. I ignored her after this and she messaged me days later telling me that she booked the flight in 2 weeks. She refused to send me the confirmation however so I had to call the Airline again and check if it is booked, and this time it is.

Her estimated arrival is on Friday but our contact is rather sporadic while she spends all her time with the other person. In one instance she loves me and can't wait to see me in the next instance she is depressed and worried that she can't spend time "with her friends". For me this looks more like a fear of not being able to keep up her affair to this person while I am in physical proximity and that she doesn't know what to do.

My trust is gone and I even don't believe her story of the night anymore. I am devastated, alone and totally broken in a foreign country that should have been a new start with my wife in the place that she always wanted to return to.

I just don't know what to do at this point.

Welome to MB, Squee.

You appear to have agreed to an open marriage when you agreed to let her go and have sex with this person.

A better term for your approach would be "enabler" and "uncaring husband." I don't know many spouses who sit by idly like a lump on a log while his spouse openly and flagrantly betrayed him. There is nothing "open minded" about that. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring on your part.

I can understand why she would not want to spend any time with you. When her affair fog wears off, she will remember that you didn't care enough about your marriage to stop her destructive, marriage wrecking behavior. You just didn't care enough.

Do your parents have any sense? If they do, I would tell them about her adultery and ask for their guidance. Her affair should be exposed to everyone, but you did go along with it, so you are an accessory to the crime.