HFD, is there a reason you aren't answering this?

Because I'm in work and can only type between classes.

I have no idea if she'd speak with him.

I understand it may be a mistake to not move at this time.

I also understand that we are not moving at this time. I suppose any negative consequence from that decision is to be expected, and I really can't ascribe MB principles to anything else if this initial action isn't taken.

This is absolutely true and it ceratinly shows that you have placed EVERYTHING before your marriage, which is why you have never recovered. You are sacrificing your MARRIAGE for your son's school when he can go to another school in another town that is just as good. Your sacrifice is INSANE. This is why you are here today, FOUR YEARS LATER, discussing the OM's house where your wife had sex with him.

I am not clear on how that benefits your son when your marriage does not recover and your wife has another affair. Is your son's highschool so important that you would actually risk another affair and a divorce?

I am just astonished that you don't care any more than that about your marriage.

Do you know there are great schools in other towns? We have had hundreds of people MOVE and their children adapted just fine. But more importantly, the marriage recovered.

I guess I am deciding to put my son before my happiness with the marriage.

No we can't. Dr Harley recommends keeping such things on the front burner until it is resolved. This is NOT resolved, so we need to continue to discuss it.

Moving would resolve ALL of your problems. Your son could go to a GREAT high school, your wife could get a great job in a new place and you could have a recovered marriage.

Moving provides solutions to every issue brought up on this thread.

Actually you are not putting him first. It is more important for his family to be intact than it is to go to a certain high school. No matter what age, divorce is devastating. Her affair was devastating. And you are risking that all for nothing.

There is no benefit to anyone by staying there.

IT is in your son's best interest to be from a broken home?

Mel,

We KNOW that. I know, it's stupid to all of you...we know that whatever issues may still be afflicting us - x,y, and z -- could be resolved by moving.

But yes, we have decided not to until son graduates in 2 years. Yes, we are sacrificing for his education at the top-rated state school district he attends.
(there are other reasons for not as well...)

And we are not ready to make the move now.

And I know it's futile for me to assume it's possible to just 'contain' these issues until the big move is made.

That's why I'm saying until we commit to it, we're just keeping ourselves from a full recovery, and keeping alive these issues that pop up here and there...

I've put him through enough with the kind of person I was pre-A, and that we put him through with the affair and its aftermath.

I am the adult, he a child. I can suck it up and deal with life's unhappiness and disappointment and uncertainty for a few more years.

That's life in general, anyway.

I can't figure out why you would think that is a good choice for anyone. If you want the children to be happy, the marriage has to be given highest priority.

It's a little bit like prioritizing candy over vegetables in your son's diet and then saying that that is putting him first.

What you are doing is not benefiting your son.

Dr. Harley would pretty much disagree with all of that.

The idea that life is full of unhappiness and you just have to put up with it has caused all kinds of unnecessary marital breakdown, divorces, affairs, depressions, suicides. It's not true!

We need to show you and your wife how to learn how to build a fulfilling life and marriage - so that you can model this lesson for your son. Instead of teaching him that life sucks and you just have to put up with it.

It's a good way to avoid the conflict of talking about moving.

Well, he's excelling nonetheless.

It's obvious any of these side issues have no solutions -- any kind of EPs or POJA or whatever -- that align with MB so long as we remain where we are and haven't moved.

Once we move, then issues can be addressed fully the full 'faith and credit' of the MB program.

I hear you all, I understand you all, and I understand you disagree with our decision and think it a mistake.

So, I understand now it was really stupid of me to think I'd write here for a solution to a problem that's really caused by us moving.

Since I am part of the problem, I can't assume to get 'backing' for a MB solution that doesn't exist for the problem we're capitulating with.

Markos,

We have NOT avoided talk of moving.

We've looked at some states, looked at the maps, even researched home prices on Realtor.com.

We just happen to agree that we're not moving...whatever, tired of repeating myself. You know

I keep noticing this phrase in your posts, and I can't figure out why. It doesn't make much difference whose fault it is, or who is "part of the problem." The point is to identify and solve the problems.

It sounds like when we try to point out the problems you feel guilty or feel blame? I would say that's very much irrelevant. The point is we want to help you overcome all of these problems, hfd. We are not here to say it is your fault or say "I told you so." We are here to help motivate you with peer support to fix the problems.

Markos,

I know. But I'm frustrated.

I am so aware of the peer support on this forum, and the goal to recover the marriage, and I do feel responsible because I know I, we, whatever are going straight into the headwind opposite that advice.

So I don't know that I/we really can do anything right now if the advice is to move, we know we have to move, we'd like to move, but we are not moving right now.

And I feel bad because then what the hell does it matter as I'm wasting all of your time trying for help to solve this stupid problem of where hfm works -- does it really matter if we're staying put?

Does 7 miles away really matter if we're staying 27 miles away and not moving at all? If moving away IS the solution -- and we are ignoring the solution -- then she might as well work there and we'll manage the situation and handle issues of contact if/when they arise.

Apparently, he has not suffered enough if you are going to put him through the hell of his parents marriage breaking up. You are the adult and it is your job to protect him when you can. You know the risks now so you have no excuse,

HFD,

It's time to tell her that you made a mistake and you realize now how crucial it is to not live there any more. Just start the conversation.