Well RWC (H) is, and thank you for asking about us! <P>As far as the W goes, she's fine. It's like nothing ever happened and she seems to like our marriage now, what worries me is she's settling for a companionship love only, and doesn't feel the romantic love is very important.<P>As for me, if she doesn't wake up soon, I fear I will give up. I love her soooo much, but this is killing me! Yes her affair hurt alot and still does, but I could put that behind me if she had the romantic feelings back. The present bothers me more than the past. How long do I wait? 1 month, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years. It's been almost 4 months now and she doesn't have anymore love for me than she did 2 months ago. She is committed and hasn't seen OM at all. But I'm sorry, I can't keep going forever without the romantic love....If another 3 months goes by I don't think I will be able to cope. I have done everything right, and I mean everything, meeting her needs, doing back flips, writing letters from the heart. She even admitted that no woman could ask more from a man. She says she loves me, and tried to convience me she was in love, however actions speak louder and my heart knew she wasn't in love, it's something you can't fake. About 2 weeks ago she admitted she had lost alot of the love she once had. I could hold on if I could see it growing, but I don't and I can't even be sure if she will ever find it again....Sorry for unloading but it really has me down.<P><BR>Thanks again for the concern! RWC (H)

I am so glad to hear from you. Don't know why you guys stuck to my heart so. Probably because our stories are similar!<BR>I am glad to hear you are doing what is necessary. I wish I could tell you that you only have this much time left but I can't! <BR>I hate that you hurt to! Because I know what you are feeling it sucks!! I can't remember if this was in one of my Dobson books or what, but I know you've heard, You always want what you can't have? Maybe if you backed off just a little! Not enough to withdraw love units, but maybe just a little to show her your energy maybe fading. It sounds like manipulation, I know! But she may need a little nudge to start coming your way for a change.<BR>My h and I had a terrible time last week. I don't want to go into what caused it, again, but I was hurt. All he could do was throw it back at me, so I clammed up big time! WOuldn't let him near me. He called me later that day to check on me and I wouldn't give in to him. I sent him an email that said just this ...<BR>I can't defend my position on this with you anymore. You have no idea what you do to me and I can't make you see it. I simply can't shoulder anymore! ..<BR>That was it! But I got the most hearfelt reply, an apology, FINALLY! It was emotions pouring from a man I thought was emotionless.<BR>You can imagine I did a 360. Called him and told him how much I needed to hear it and thanked him and told him I appreciated him and loved him. Well Guess what .. THings are back to normal. He is loving, more than he ever used to be, but I question the deepness. He still won't tell the ow to stop emailing him and I just quit asking!<BR>But I think things are good, sometimes I feel like it's a put on or cover up, but I think that stems from my fear, not his actions! But I too feel sometimes that there's true love missing, I guess I expected us to be like some other couples and come out of it being better than ever and more in love than before. Maybe it doesn't happen like that for everyone. I have tried to remember that love is not a feeling, but having the feeling really helps! Has your wife read his needs, her needs? It may help her, or the 5 languages of love? They show you how to love the other and if you are atively loving someone, usually the feeling returns! I wish you the best .. Please keep me posted, I think if the 2 of you often. I hope you are a success story. It's really to soon to tell with me, but I feel good about it. <BR>Thanks for replying! I will hope for the best. <BR>Mater<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Thanks mater for the support. Yes she has read His needs Her needs, at least I think she has. It took her two months and then I had to bring up the fact several times that she wasn't putting much into rebuilding if she couldn't even read the most important book I've ever read besides the Bible. You hit on a couple of words that struck home<P>manipulation: I don't know, maybe but we've already talked about that and she sure looks honest when she tells me that's not it. One thing about her, she's not a good liar, and it's pretty easy to know when she is. That's how I discovered the affair in the first place.<P>questioning the deepness: Ya buddy that's me there.<P>there's true love missing: Same thing as deepness<P>I guess it's a double wammy for me, to find that the person you've spent half your life with is cheating, is terrible. But I did alot of changing, and total complete 180. I cleaned up my act, and learned how to treat a woman. Now I find out her love is shallow. I don't know which hurts more! <P>

2 things popped to mind when I read your post.<P>#1 My h best friend told me about his physical affair, after I found about his EA that was just beginning. Well I printed emails from both of them and gave them to each other. So they got mad at him and he came home to me. So Their affairs stopped because we caught them red handed, not because they felt guilty or decided it was really us they want to be with. That's what hurts me the most. My h still works with the EA ow and I fear he still feels that excitement of the unknown for her. Why else would he not ask her to stop emailing him. So I think that is an issue.<BR>#2 you mentioned what is worse .. the affair or turning around to find out she doesn't have it in her anymore. Well think of her for a minute, maybe she's still a little resentful, that it took her almost having an affair to get you to love her? I don't think my h feels resentful, but I know it's an issue with him. <BR>The magic I think with me and H right now is we've learned a valuable lesson, you can't depend on someone else for your happiness. It must come from within. If it truly comes from within then it will shine on the out. The guilt that I contributed to my H affairs has been almost unbearable to me. Maybe you being so nice just makes her feel worse for doing what she did? <BR>I don't know. Just some points to ponder. I have to get off this computer and clean my house! I am addicted to this thing!<BR>Be back later today!<P><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Don't know what to tell you on that thought, she swears she isn't resentfull, and no walls are up and really doesn't know why she doesn't feel it. She keeps saying time will take care of it, but it's killing me. Twice I've been ready to quit and walk out, and she told me to give it more time. Well I can't say no when I love her so much, but a little more of me dies everyday. To me the old marriage is dead, this is a new relationship and for me I have the same feelings for her I would have if it was a fling. But she's trying to pick up where we left off. Basically she's withdrawing more love units than she's giving, and I don't have many left. I do appreciate your support and I guess we are kind of in the same boat. If I can help, you can use my direct email address, lrtc@earthlink.net<P>Again thanks for the concern!

RWC,<BR>I know exactly how you feel. <BR>My w is showing me nothing after some hopeful signs of affection 2-3 weeks ago. SHe has backed off considerably. Our dates are like bad blind dates. I might as well take a dead fish along to hold hands with.<P>We went out Sat. nite and she had a couple glasses of wine and only then did she start talking to me and as we were leaving did she give give me a deep kiss.<P>On Sun, she kept her distance and when she left and I followed, she got in her car before I could catch up to her.<P>What does that mean that the only way she will talk and kiss me is if she has alcohol.<BR>She said she could come home for the kids and just pretend nothing is wrong and maybe something would happen between us.<P>The funny thing is that she is now calling me selfish for not "allowing" her to come home when she was away Everything I did was for the kids, and now I want everything for me.

RWD<P>I have followed your post mainly because our initials are so much alike, I'm assuming there initials, regardless thanks so much for the post. Don't worry about the boose, I find my wife drops the walls and defenses and the real her comes out a little more after a few beers. Same for me, I deal with anger, fear, insecurity, and about 2 dozen other negative emotions on a daily bases, and after a few beers, those bad feelings fade alittle and I can enjoy the loving feelings more. Too much is not good, but I think even the bible says that a little wine is good for the soul. <BR>After you described the way your wife is, I should being throwing a party for my troubles. At least we are sleeping together, holding each other and regular sex. But its so hard to heal and put behind me the thing that destroy my life, when she isn't putting as much into this as I am. And I'm not the betrayer, In most cases the betrayer realizes they don't want to loose what they didn't realize they valued, and does back flips to prove that they won't ever do it again. In our case I'm doing the back flips and showing how much I love her, and meeting every emotional need, so she won't ever do this terrible thing again, and she acts like she doesn't owe me a darn thing. I believe she really loves me, but I need more than companionship love, I need the romantic love. I barely get through a day, and the one thing that saves me is sitting together on the couch at night talking. Last week she said she was tired of all the heavy talk. (I'm venting here) but excuse me, let me see if I understand this right, you are cold to me for years, you go out and have an affair, you tear my world into a million pieces, and now I'm being too heavy? I even wrote her a letter making her a deal. "You starting loving me with all your heart, and let me be your everything, like you are to me, and in return I will forgive, forget and never bring up the affair in conversation again". So far she hasn't taken me up on my offer. Because I seem to be love busting by being heavy, I am afraid to even talk to her now. The last three nights I just sat and watched TV with her, hoping that when she was ready, she would bring it up. Understand, we aren't talking about the affair when she says were too heavy, we're talking about the present and trying to rebuild, it has nothing to do with the OM at this point. When we talk, I heal, but lately all I've done is alot of bleeding, and not a blasted band-aid in site!