My wife and I have just separated due to my infidelity, lying, and attitude. We have a son that isn't biologically mine and his father does have rights and visitation but I have been in his life since birth. The infidelity has happened more than once but its never been physical it was always thru texting and Facebook. She has had enough and doesn't know if she wants to work through this or not. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from my military service and after speaking with a VA therapist he told me that everything that I'm doing to my marriage is being caused by my PTSD, and if I would have been on the right medicine this all could have been avoided. My question is I feel like I'm pushing my wife away and in turn ruining my chance of getting my family back. I don't know what to do and just need some advice. I am seeking care from the VA but it is a long process to even get seen. But I don't know what to do. Please if anyone can give me advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Hi reedsdad, welcome to Marriage Builders. You didn't have affairs because of PTSD, but because you have pisspoor boundaries around women. We have many people here who have PTSD as a result of their spouses having affairs and they don't have affairs.

Since you won't take accountability for your destructive, harmful behavior, you are not a safe person for your wife. You are not safe until you take the necessary steps to STOP IT.

Would you consider moving out until you make a decision to stop hurting her?

What "medicine" will resolve your pisspoor boundaries around women?

Oh, never mind. I see that you are separated, which is a good thing.

Here is the advice that will help save your marriage if you will follow it. If you won't, then your wife should divorce you:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

MelodyLane, thank you for your feedback. I was just going off of what the doctor told me. I know all of this is my fault and I have done everything to separate myself from the temptation. Unless you know how PTSD affects a person first hand please don't knock it. But after reading the steps that you pointed out I'm already doing all of that. I have been told by some mutual friends that she stated that if I came clean and admitted everything that there is a chance of working it out. I just don't want to smother her and I'm not sure how I should be so I don't smother her. Can you elaborateba little on that. Thanks.

Sir,
Do you attend Church?
If not, I encourage you to attend one.

Sir,

You should review the long list that MelodyLane posted.
That is the information directly from Dr. Harley's manual and you should carefully review it, do it and then tell your wife that you have a plan to ensure that she is protected from this ever happening again and show her the list and how you have acted upon it.

I am religious but have not attended a church sermon in a very long time. I will be attending though because I know that the further away from God you get the worse things get.

Also, read the book Surviving an Affair.
It is a manual that contains a plan for creating a loving romantic marriage and ensuring that affairs never happen again

Sir, most churches have Wed night services.
I encourage you to attend one tomorrow night.

Where can I find this book?

Here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html

Yes, I do know how it affects a person. And yes I do know an excuse when I see it. As long as you use that excuse your wife should not even consider reconciling with you.


Thats a good start. She needs to know the full and complete truth. I would tell her the truth and then offer to follow up with a polygraph. And I would strongly suggest you NOT play the PTSD card again. She is not safe with you if unless you take full accountability for your actions. If you plan on going off to get "counseling" for a few years she needs to run for her life.

How many women are we talking about and for how long have you been cheating/lying? Who are these women?

When was Dday(s)? Other than some mutual friends, who else knows of your infidelity?

How old is the boy?

Welcome to MB