OK, so it may just be a tarp right now, but at least it is a "roof" over my head. My in-laws are very sweet & say I am still welcome to stay with them as needed.

I am just so very sad right now - my wife cancelled our date tonight, and I was SOOOOOOOO looking forward to it.

I *DO* miss her terribly after moving out & not seeing her every day. We had a lovely dinner together at the house last night, then danced around together in the living room with the kids, then Elaina and I just sat on the sofa & visited for about an hour or so, talking mostly about home-schooling stuff... then I left the house and went out to the cabin to crash for the night.

I've been really, really, really looking forward to our date together tonight - all day long, in fact. It's such a struggle to get even 8-10+ hours of U.A. time in per week as it is, and this just makes it harder. I hate the feeling inside like she might be slipping away - maybe I am wrong about that feeling, but it doesn't hurt any less inside to tell myself that. I don't know at this point if I am supposed to draw nearer to her or "give her space".

So sit down long enough to use it!

Tonight - it shall be so.
Our date tonight is cancelled, and I am so sore from doing concrete work I just can't pull off another hard pour.

I'll work with the GSR meter some - but I am afraid I'll be disappointed with it because I really haven't had any moments of "emotional rise" lately.
Being out of the house is stressful in its own unique ways, but I really haven't had so many angry thoughts as of late.

I'm actually having a hard time coming up with recent material (notes I keep) to bring to my anger management counseling each week.
I haven't even had one remotely angry thought at all in probably 5-6 days, or more.
.

These two do not add up. How is that not an "emotional rise"?

That is an excellent question.
Yes, you could say that is "an emotional rise" - but I was placing "anger emotions" (a personal trait I will eliminate) and "longing/pining for/missing emotions" into separate categories.

The reason for this is: The former I want gone... but the latter I have no desire to eliminate from me;
lest I become "Mr. Spock".... someone I do not wish to emulate in entirety.

I feel that "missing/longing for" my wife is a good thing.
It's part of the reason I desire to be with her.
.

You are missing how to use the meter, though.
It is a training tool.
While holding the meter, make yourself think of something very frustrating or emotional. The goal is to be able to think of that situation without the meter changing.
You can do this any time. You do not have to wait for a moment of frustration to hit you.

You are missing how to use the meter, though.
It is a training tool.
While holding the meter, make yourself think of something very frustrating or emotional. The goal is to be able to think of that situation without the meter changing.
You can do this any time. You do not have to wait for a moment of frustration to hit you.

LOL! My entire existence consists of thoughts that are "frustrating or emotional" from the time I awaken to the time I fall asleep!

Not always so much "frustrating", but I am certainly a VERY emotional person that never dips down into: "not being emotional" territory!

So you are perfectly primed to start training with the meter. It will train you to remain calm, even when you think of frustrating things. Then, when you actually get thrown into a real life frustrating situation, you will already have the training to remain calm and collected.

Well, the good news is I haven't had an "angry thought" in over a week.
I *have* had several anxiety attacks (which feel very similar) but nothing that has manifested itself in any outward action or speech. It does take me a few seconds to realize they are happening, then I talk myself down from them.

The GSR meter is not particularly easy to use. I don't like that it is SO loud. The knob controls sensitivity (pitch) not volume. It's also very sensitive to finger pressure, which makes it frustrating to get an accurate signal. Maybe it's because my fingers are a little calloused and that affects sensitivity? I'm not sure about the finger sensitivity thing, but I need to add a volume inline with the earphones to quiet it down some. It also seems to have a very LONG delay from the time it senses an emotion and "spools up" to the time it senses calm and "spools down". I don't know if it's supposed to take that long? I thought it would be faster responding than it is.

Keep at it. A week is good progress, but it takes a minimum of 4 weeks to consider the lovebuster eliminated. It will probably take up to a year for Elaina to trust that you will no longer have an AO. This is a long process.

BTW, stop arguing with her on the private forum. Stop trying to prove your point or explain what you meant. You are lovebusting and driving her away.

Agree, let your coach and Dr. Harley correspond with her.

How often do you see the kids?

Nowhere near as often as I'd like... sometimes once or twice a week.

RE: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_Nagging.html


I'm completely overwhelmed by the sheer quantity of things she wants me to change.
I don�t have a comprehensive list, but I have multiple pieces of numerous lists I have compiled. The amount of things she wants changed seems impossible to achieve. At this point, I�m feeling like she wants an entirely new man to start over with, because of all the changes she is asking for.

I am really not sure what her top three are right now...
I know do know �Eliminate Lovebusters� is number one, clean up the back yard is probably number two but I don�t know for sure. Those are the BIG ones, followed by a ton of smaller ones.

Side Note: I am quite a bit confused, because neither my wife nor Sandy (our coach) have relayed any/little/none information and/or examples to me that I am �failing� in any areas of Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments, or Selfish Demands. So, given the information I have been given to work from, I feel as though I have NOT had ANY AO's, some possible DJ's (debatable), and no SD's at all.


Last night, my wife texted me and says I still am - - but absolutely no information has been provided to me, or any evidence/info/description given about any situations when they may have happened. I seriously do not know what �unspecified events� she might be referring to where I may have had any AO�s. I feel it�s very unfair to tell me I am failing in an area, but then not saying when/where/what it was that happened. No one can make improvements unless they have a chance to review details of events to see where wrongdoing occurred. I am completely baffled due to an extreme lack of usable information.

My wife wants me to �woo her back� � but I�m so hurt by her passive aggressive abuse (that began back when we were dating - it is a very covert form of abuse, but it STILL hurt me all the same) towards me that the only feelings I have that �give me a desire� to restore our marriage are: 1) residual good memories from times in the past, and: 2) my desire to have our 3.5yrs daughter stay with an �unbroken� family. There is very little occurring in the present (in the form of my emotional needs being met) that encourages me to continue on. It's gotten so bad, that a few weeks ago I shared with her that I felt she was preparing for a divorce because she really wasn't responding in a positive way to anything that I was doing to improve myself or our marriage. It feels sort of like I'm being told that by repeatedly sticking my hand into hot coals will repair our marriage, but I am having great difficulty understanding how that could be possible.

In fact - - my wife continues to add even more demands to her already very long list of things she wants changed, and every time she adds to the list it pushes me further into withdrawal.
When I try really hard to meet her emotional needs, she sometimes responds positively - but it�s usually such a small amount that it doesn�t do anything to really pull me out of withdrawal, or if it is enough that it actually does - it's temporary, and then I am back into withdrawal again.

So�
I�m STILL Feeling completely defeated...

I would say that you need to keep asking your coach for this information. Are you doing that?

My wife told me (a couple of months ago) that she was creating "a list of what needs to be done for me to come back home". I did tell our coach about that, and she(coach) asked me if I could please ask my wife to send the list to her(coach), which I did. I don't know if she(my wife) ever did. My wife never told me that she sent it, and our coach never mentioned receiving it. I will ask our coach again if she has received it. Thanks!

at some point in time the two of you fell in love earnestly and decided to get married. Sometimes it is really hard to sit there and feel like you have to change yourself completely and be a different person. Trust me, I haven't been there, I am there right now. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, its not easy. At the same time, fwiw, what I am trying to do is to change my perspective and mindset. At least for me, the things that are annoying habits (for her) and love busters that I have/am committed/committing aren't big things to let go of. At least for me, its more my own pride and ego that is getting in the way. If your wife isn't open to you, stay open to her anyway. Sometimes there is a lot that needs to be expressed before 2 people can interact with each other outside of the hurt that is between them. Best of luck.

My wife was not actually in love with me when we got married. Though she "loved me but was not in love with me", She was hopeful that she would fall in love with me someday. Sadly, as soon as we moved in after getting married, we both started to lovebust each other. Both of us are struggling to recover: me hoping to fall in love with my wife once again... and also hoping and praying that one day she will eventually be in love with me.

I had a SUPER nice surprise from my wife tonight - she called me on the phone and we visited for over an hour! I.M.H.O., it was a delightful conversation (Intimate Conversation with my wife is my number 1 emotional need). I feel REALLY great right now. I also have been getting a lot of emotional support and encouragement from my friends and family - I've always been very embarrassed to share my struggles with others, but they have been very supportive of me and have been helpful to me to keep pressing on to save my marriage.