You are putting too much emphasis on what she is not doing. What were you doing? You don't have to spend $250 on UA to make it better.

I know that full well, hfd. But even with me agreeing with you, what does it buy you? Prisca wanted pretty much nothing to do with Marriage Builders most of the time, as well.

Nothing changed until my balance in her love bank passed the threshold. She was not the kind of woman to just see the program, realize it was logical, and do it. She was not the kind of woman to see her own unfaithfulness and see the program as the way to make it up to me and do it. What little incentive that kind of stuff provided for her burned out really fast, and then I was left with a thoughtless and disrespectful wife who only wanted to fight me when I complained.

Nothing changed until my account in her love bank changed.


She doesn't control her feelings toward you, though. Your behavior controls that.

You can make someone fall in love with you almost against their will.

I don't think that would buy you anything, anyway. It is crucially important for you guys that Marriage Builders NOT be about infidelity, but about hfm having a rewarding marriage and being head over heels in love with you.

Markos,

You nailed it, buddy and I'm on the verge of tears.

I get tired of holding my nose. Why?

Because I held my nose through...

*hfm never sending a NC letter
*delayed/fought changing her contact information
*refused to leave her workplace where the affair occurred
*the dishonesty
*trying to text OM a year after the affair ended
*withholding for 3 days that OM contacted her 6 months after exposure
*waiting until 2012 to trickle truth many things...including hotel meetings with OM
*while having AOs, saying very hurtful things, comparisons with OM, etc.
*that in general, I ended the affair...and she didn't seem to lift a finger to end an affair or turn to save our marriage


I often feel her response to what she's done to "recover" the marriage: "well, I haven't had another affair."

And I don't think she ever understood, felt, or cared about the depths of psychological/emotional damage to me. I'm supposed to just "get better" with it, on my own, regardless of her commitment to me or the maintenance of our marriage.

Anyone would. I don't know any other good options for you, though. When I got to the point where I saw that I was going to have to keep doing that, with a feeling of little progress, and felt I couldn't do it, I got on antidepressants so my emotions wouldn't stop me from doing what I needed to do.

I would put all of the things you listed here into an email to Dr. Harley - have you emailed him, yet?

But Markos,

Even Dr. Harley states that regardless of 'cleaning up my side of the street', or eliminating LBs, a FWS MUST agree/abide by the tenets of HIS program: EPs for example.

And as he said to me, FWS often bristle at these, and find them uncomfortable and controlling, but they must BE, and be FOR the sake of the BS.

HFM reacts in a way that she does not simply accept the very PREMISE that ANY BS gets to decide or create these 'rules' of which the FWS must commit to follow.

HFM has followed many EPs...we've POJAd many decisions the right way for 4 years...

This one -- career oriented EP -- seems like a 'bridge too far for her. She cares, but only to a point. I'm doing what I can to get her past that point, but ultimately SHE must decide to allow herself to get there, just as it id for ME to decide how/when to trust again.

And to fill her LoveBank by capitulating on the EP and sacrificing and playing the Giver?

Is that really a logical course of action, because right now I KNOW that would make her happy and make many deposits.

This red part is a key piece of info. If you don't enjoy it you won't want to do it and you'll only end up resenting it like you do now.

To other more experienced MB's, I am confused about the advice being given to hfd. I don't see how caving on the EPs could be the answer. **EDIT**

So where does this leave hfd today? Following MB, he needs to go to her as he did last evening, and complain about the job choice, right? Simply "it bothers me that�". Then what? Markos, you make excellent points about not making MB about infidelity. Really good point. But was Prisca purposefully breaking EPs at the point where you buckled down and courted her back to the marriage?

Excellent point, ftf. But how can this work with EPs being broken? How can hfd enjoy doing much of anything if he is constantly worried about where his wife is working every day?

He worries about it at the job she has now! Primarily because they will not consider moving.

Not true. No where have I ever stated that.

I don't worry like that with her current job 20+ miles away.


I do when its 7, in his neighborhood.

hfd, I know full well what your wife must do, and I also know what it is like to be in a marriage where your wife will not do it. Right now your wife is not doing it, and you can't make her do it. The question is what can you do about it? What is your plan?

Again, noone would fault you for leaving. You've really only got two workable options: leave, or try to win her over.

We all know what she is supposed to do - we all know what rules she is supposed to follow. She is not doing it. It hurts horribly, and we all know that. Reiterating it over and over again is not a plan and will not accomplish anything.

Doesn't sound like peace of mind to me.

So have you? I spend so much time writing here trying to help and I get the feeling you're only seeing about 10% of what I write.

I don't see where anyone has advised caving or capitulating. I would advise lots of complaining about it.

Well, maybe it's time to call her bluff and hire a good divorce attorney

Markos,

Yes, I emailed.

So, your suggested plan of action for me is the complain a lot and Plan A her while she violates EP and POJA and works 7 miles from her AP?

Feels like the plan from 4 years ago to end her affair. Talk about a trigger...

Those are your options. Leave or win her. Either one is better than what you are currently doing.

Ok, so she refuses to follow an EP -- as Dr. Harley stated she is -- that is an essential tenet of his program. Dr. Harley states that she's showing an incredulous lack of empathy and care for her BH.

And yet one option for ME is to leave my bed, my home...becasue SHE chooses to work CLOSER to her affair partner?

I'm serious, not sarcastic: that just does not seem logical to me.