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Susiew,
You may want to get a polygraph for your WH, two times they were intimate, sorry that does not add up. Then share the real story with the OWH.
I hope your children no longer have contact with OW children and they know what OW did to their family.
God Bless Gamma Gamma, I know it sounds suspicious and off course they could be lying but with the timeline, it does kind of sound about correct. This affair is mostly emotional, it had a lot of sexting but I also found some txt about guilt and shame. I think at this point the exact number of times they were intimate is not going to change anything. One or a thousand is all the same, wrong and hurtful and dangerous. I was tested for STD's before I delivered my son 10 months ago. I will get tested again just in case. None of the children have contact any longer. It pains me to see my kids missing their friends. And from the OPH, his kids constantly ask about my children. He says you can see the pain in his WW when the kids ask about me and my children. Either way, she could have avoided this heart ache for her children if she had not pursuit this affair. Kids are resilient, they will all be fine in time. Mine are aware, while they miss their friends and this woman, they want nothing to do with her. Hers are in the dark and will probably never know why their best friends simply vanished. Tonight, I go to bed with a little bit of hope that with lots of sacrifice and following MB, I can work on saving my marriage.
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Should I bring printed copies of the emotional needs questionnaire? or should I wait on those? Should I try to get him to tell me more about the affair? Should I talk about my expectations and ask him about his? I feel like a freaking teenager who's crush finally invited her to go out on a date! I would not discuss the affair or recovery on your dates. The dates should be light and pleasant. But did you read my post about recovery? You really have to launch a recovery plan or your marriage won't make it. I would sit him down tomorrow night and go over the plan for recovery. That needs to start asap.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Should I bring printed copies of the emotional needs questionnaire? or should I wait on those? Should I try to get him to tell me more about the affair? Should I talk about my expectations and ask him about his? I feel like a freaking teenager who's crush finally invited her to go out on a date! I would not discuss the affair or recovery on your dates. The dates should be light and pleasant. But did you read my post about recovery? You really have to launch a recovery plan or your marriage won't make it. I would sit him down tomorrow night and go over the plan for recovery. That needs to start asap. I believe I did read it but things are so blurry in my head right now. I will need to re read it, probably many times over. I will try to sit him down tomorrow. The way he has always been is he shuts down, under pressure, so I don't want to seem to be putting too much pressure too soon.
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I believe I did read it but things are so blurry in my head right now. I will need to re read it, probably many times over. I will try to sit him down tomorrow. The way he has always been is he shuts down, under pressure, so I don't want to seem to be putting too much pressure too soon. I would sit him down and review the plan of recovery with him. It is not negotiable. Having no plan is a plan to fail. The checklist is the first step in affair proofing your marriage and the Basic Concepts is your plan to create a new marriage. If he shuts down, then your marriage is shut down!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Susiew, You wrote, I think at this point the exact number of times they were intimate is not going to change anything. One or a thousand is all the same, wrong and hurtful and dangerous. I was tested for STD's before I delivered my son 10 months ago. I will get tested again just in case. The important detail however is that if it was 1000 times your WH is still lying to you, and your WH is still sharing a secret with OW which is an intimacy you are excluded from. A secret second life is impossible if your WH is honest and transparent. I would suggest you send the contact info. for a polygraph expert to the OWH too. The STD thing should be done sooner than later, HPV has become a significant cause of various cancers, and since you do not know how promiscuous OW was, you have no idea how much at risk you are. http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/God Bless Gamma
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Susiew, You wrote, I think at this point the exact number of times they were intimate is not going to change anything. One or a thousand is all the same, wrong and hurtful and dangerous. I was tested for STD's before I delivered my son 10 months ago. I will get tested again just in case. The important detail however is that if it was 1000 times your WH is still lying to you, and your WH is still sharing a secret with OW which is an intimacy you are excluded from. A secret second life is impossible if your WH is honest and transparent. I would suggest you send the contact info. for a polygraph expert to the OWH too. The STD thing should be done sooner than later, HPV has become a significant cause of various cancers, and since you do not know how promiscuous OW was, you have no idea how much at risk you are. http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/God Bless Gamma You are right, I will address all of this with him, hopefully tonight. The OWH wants no more contact from me, unless, I find that my WH and his WW have been in contact again. I have made an appt to test for std's.
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The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.
This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.
After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.
Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details. Joyce asked me to be a caller. Makes me nervous, but it is a great opportunity to get direct advice from them.
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When will you be a caller?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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When will you be a caller? Not sure, I will call her in the am and they will tell me then, I guess.
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Ok, is any reaction other than the WH being pissed that you exposed the affair, normal? My husband has been contacted by 2 people about the affair. My FIL called him (I had left him a vm asking him to call me but he called his son first, FIL was not aware of the affair because I mailed the letter today, so he has not received it.) So I have no idea if my husband told him or not. As a matter of fact, my husband never told me he spoke with his dad today. WH has not reacted in anger for the exposure (he might have seen it coming as I did expose the OW to her family and he knew it). Honestly, we had no time to sit and speak tonight as the kids were impossible to settle. He has not been "lovey" but not plain hateful as he has been lately. He still agreed to go out on our "date" tomorrow night.
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Ok, is any reaction other than the WH being pissed that you exposed the affair, normal? My husband has been contacted by 2 people about the affair. My FIL called him (I had left him a vm asking him to call me but he called his son first, FIL was not aware of the affair because I mailed the letter today, so he has not received it.) So I have no idea if my husband told him or not. As a matter of fact, my husband never told me he spoke with his dad today. WH has not reacted in anger for the exposure (he might have seen it coming as I did expose the OW to her family and he knew it). Honestly, we had no time to sit and speak tonight as the kids were impossible to settle. He has not been "lovey" but not plain hateful as he has been lately. He still agreed to go out on our "date" tomorrow night. Usually the wayward is furious about exposure. So I hope you have exposed it "far and wide"
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Ok, is any reaction other than the WH being pissed that you exposed the affair, normal? My husband has been contacted by 2 people about the affair. My FIL called him (I had left him a vm asking him to call me but he called his son first, FIL was not aware of the affair because I mailed the letter today, so he has not received it.) So I have no idea if my husband told him or not. As a matter of fact, my husband never told me he spoke with his dad today. WH has not reacted in anger for the exposure (he might have seen it coming as I did expose the OW to her family and he knew it). Honestly, we had no time to sit and speak tonight as the kids were impossible to settle. He has not been "lovey" but not plain hateful as he has been lately. He still agreed to go out on our "date" tomorrow night. Usually the wayward is furious about exposure. So I hope you have exposed it "far and wide" Well, I contacted everyone on his fb. Mailed his dad, even though I tried to call him but fil called wh instead. So should I be worried about his non furious reaction?
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No, as a general rule you should not "worry" about anything a fogged out wayward does. It's a waste of time to try to figure out their thinking process
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I just read through your thread. You said that you exposed the affair fully and the list below is what you really need to focus on at this point: Maybe, I am just blind and grasping on straws here. Susie, you have done a great job thus far! Now the real work begins. I would go to him with a PLAN to save your marriage. He can either agree or he can move out. If he moves out he will be legally obliged to continue to support you. As long as the affair is over, you can lead your marriage out of the ditch if you follow this program. If you don't follow this program your marriage won't make it and you will end up divorced. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If not, you should get it asap and start working that program with your husband. Here is the checklist: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67 The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted. These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives. Checklist for How Affairs Should End _____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again. _____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse. _____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP: _____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse). _____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers). _____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent). _____Spend leisure time together. _____Change jobs and relocate if necessary. _____Avoid overnight separation. _____Allow technical accountability. _____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
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Thanks Jedi_Knight. I will work on those.
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Susiew,
You wrote, Well, I contacted everyone on his fb. Mailed his dad, even though I tried to call him but fil called wh instead.
Don't recall but did you hit everyone on OWs facebook as well, you need to enforce that any fantasy OW has of ever getting back together as friends is dead.
God Bless Gamma
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Susiew,
You wrote, Well, I contacted everyone on his fb. Mailed his dad, even though I tried to call him but fil called wh instead.
Don't recall but did you hit everyone on OWs facebook as well, you need to enforce that any fantasy OW has of ever getting back together as friends is dead.
God Bless Gamma I can't see her contacts on FB, she has blocked me. Some of my wh's friends are also her friends, so there is not much I can do. Her husband has not blocked me but I cannot see his friends' list either.
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Either way, I don't think I want to even try to save this marriage anymore. Even though they have not had any contact since last Thursday, I am done with being treated with disrespect. We were supposed to go out tonight, he turned off his phone and did not come home til 9pm.
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Either way, I don't think I want to even try to save this marriage anymore. Even though they have not had any contact since last Thursday, I am done with being treated with disrespect. We were supposed to go out tonight, he turned off his phone and did not come home til 9pm. Susie, It's time to grow up. You seem to operate on wishes and hopes. Well, if wishes were fishes the ocean would be full. Melody said that if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. And that is truth. You cannot operate from the "hope" that he will stop seeing this other woman. And you can't expect him to have a light date with him after you exposed his cheating @$$ far and wide. (It's good that you did, by the way.) You must demand that your husband follow extraordinary precautions (EP's) on the list Melody and Jedi gave you. Recovering from an affair is serious business, and if you don't get serious about it and your husband doesn't serious about it, you are in for a lot of misery. Hold him accountable to the EP's and make that the first order of business. If you don't, the message he will get is, "I can do this again. My wife isn't serious about holding me accountable." Don't let that happen, Susie. Be strong and assertive or you will get walked on again. Can't you see the pattern?
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Either way, I don't think I want to even try to save this marriage anymore. Even though they have not had any contact since last Thursday, I am done with being treated with disrespect. We were supposed to go out tonight, he turned off his phone and did not come home til 9pm. Susie, It's time to grow up. You seem to operate on wishes and hopes. Well, if wishes were fishes the ocean would be full. Melody said that if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. And that is truth. You cannot operate from the "hope" that he will stop seeing this other woman. And you can't expect him to have a light date with him after you exposed his cheating @$$ far and wide. (It's good that you did, by the way.) You must demand that your husband follow extraordinary precautions (EP's) on the list Melody and Jedi gave you. Recovering from an affair is serious business, and if you don't get serious about it and your husband doesn't serious about it, you are in for a lot of misery. Hold him accountable to the EP's and make that the first order of business. If you don't, the message he will get is, "I can do this again. My wife isn't serious about holding me accountable." Don't let that happen, Susie. Be strong and assertive or you will get walked on again. Can't you see the pattern? He doesn't want to make any effort. I've been trying to get him to agree to even work on the marriage and he says yes, then no. He needs to grow up and I am done. He says it is not even about the affair, her just doesn't love me romantically anymore and hasn't for years. I cannot live like this. It is affecting me and the kids. I told him to leave.
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