Terrific post, Tom!

HoldHerHand, I am going to pretty much disregard your post. She does not see this side of me. When I come here I am usually frustrated with something and it comes out here. You don't go to your shrink and tell him "everything is fine", do you? Why go in the first place if everything is fine? Sorry if you take it personally, but most of the feedback I get here is helping, not hurting.

I can take criticism, and I agree that it is taking me a long time to be able to stick to a plan but I am trying, given the present situation. You need to understand that I am not an emotionless, soulless robot. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and hope will ever happen. I married for life, ya know? I can't just throw my hands up and go "Oh well, I guess that didn't work out." I have two little girls I see about 1/3 of the amount of time that I should be seeing them. There is nothing right about this situation, and the only one who thinks there is, is her and POSOM. They have been together for probably 2 1/2 years. When will this "affair" end??

Anyway, quick update on stuff, if anyone enjoys my soap opera. Last week my MacBook Pro digested its hard drive. I just got the new one today - a SSD this time. Thank God I had a Time Machine backup and restored everything.

Money has been dwindling fast. I paid another round of bills and was freaking out a bit last week because nothing was straightening for me. However, a couple things happened today. First, I had an interview with a company located in ABQ Studios (large film studio complex here that is used for a lot of major productions. Better Call Saul is in production in the same building as this company), anyway I felt like it went pretty well. The job is something I have been doing for years, and the people seem nice. I was told that he will make a decision in the next couple days, possibly even tomorrow.

As I was leaving the studios, I checked my email and got word from the guy about the state job - that I should be ready to go back within a few days. What??

After the interview I had an appointment with the local Small Business Development Center. Turns out they will file all the paperwork for my business for FREE (instead of paying my attorney $1000). I just have to cover the state fees.

It's almost too much (potential) good news for one day. I could not get an offer from today's interview, my state job could be rejected by the governor's office (slim possibility)... so the next couple days will be very important for me.

As for the kids and xW, things aren't too much different. I had my girls 2 long weekends in a row, because my xILs are coming to visit the xW this weekend, so I won't have them. I picked up my 5yr old from school twice now, and took her to school on Friday. Met her teacher and all that. Helped her with homework. I also didn't see that she had homework over the weekend, and she didn't do it. xW texted me last night to chew on my a** a bit, and this was the exchange. Tell me if I am doing any better:

xW: (sent a couple pictures of a form I was supposed to sign) I told you you had to initial. And all of her homework didn't get done.

(I was driving at the time and didn't text her back right away, so she softened her tone with a followup text:

Just wanted to make sure you know for next time. You have to read through everything carefully and make sure everything gets done.

Me: I thought that was from earlier in the week. Next time I pick up (daughter) I'll have her teacher explain it to me. Sorry, tell her teacher I goofed, and not to blame (daughter).

xW Everything is explained in the binder. You check the binder every night no matter what and follow instructions. I told you where her homework was.

That's the exchange. She did not tell me this stuff before, and I did look through it, but being unfamiliar with the routine, I didn't see where she had homework. I certainly didn't overlook it purposely. I felt stupid and like usual, she did not make me feel any less stupid.

I picked her up from school on Thursday last week, because xW had a viewing to go to that night, and a funeral the next day. Whose funeral? Glad you asked. It was POSOM's cousin (or nephew), who was shot to death whilst robbing a convenience store. He had a gun, clerk had a gun, clerk won. NICE, right? Nice family she's getting involved with. I think the night after the funeral, she texted me something, and then told me to tell the girls that she loved them, which I did, and I made a short video of each of them saying "I love you too, Mommy" and sent them to her. She responded with "<3 thanks".

I am hoping the stupidity of her choices is starting to sink in, I really do.

That's all I can think of for now. Hopefully I will hear something tomorrow or Wednesday and will be making steps forward instead of backward.

You are absolutely on the mark with this. I have read that men place a lot of their self-worth in their job and their ability to provide for their family, and I can tell you this is true. Over time, my confidence went out the window until I had none left, and no self-esteem. Rather than stand behind me, my xW berated me and made me feel even WORSE. That was the genesis of a lot of my irrational behavior, looking back. I thought she'd be my support system, but instead she kicked me harder than anyone else while I was down. It completely destroyed me in many ways.

Disregard me all you wish. I have a recovered marriage after my wife's affair... celebrating 15 years this month with a trip to stay in a castle, go on a cruise, spend a couple nights on a sailboat, and zipline through the forest. Got 3 wonderful daughters, and a job that compliments the marriage.

It wasn't an easy road, but I didn't make any progress until I stopped making EXCUSES.

Stop venting!

Alrighty, I have some kind of sixth-sense little voice telling me it is time to Plan A in a less passive manner if I want to restore my family.

Update otherwise... I've been absent lately because I am back to work: I got a raise, and benefits. I had to turn down another job as well. I've been very tired. However, since the Walmart misunderstanding, texts have been good with no love busting going on. No disagreements, arguments, or negative talk. Thinking about what you all said about her reaching out, I need to reach back a little. I'm honest not sure what to do. It might be hard making love bank deposits when her biggest emotional need is sex, but POSOM can't be meeting all of her needs with respect to my kids. Surely the novelty has got to be wearing off by now. I need to throw a wrench into their picnic by being an option to my xW. And yes, I do still love her. I still can't see myself with anyone else.

Blindside,

I suggest that you post her text messages to you PRIOR to responding.
The members here can help you write responses that will be good

I will bet her biggest need isn't sex.
It is most likely affection and admiration (which many women get via sex).

She was pretty clear about it when we were married. "You just need to **** me more and everything will be fine." (Ignoring my needs in the process)

You are so disrespectful in the way you speak about her that you take my breath away.

You don't stand a hope in hell of winning her back, because of your disrespect towards her.

But I can see why she doesn't love you.

That was a VERBATIM quote, and you call that disrespectful?? Would you prefer I paraphrase or would you rather get the facts?? That is EXACTLY what she would say to end our discussion, even after my attempts to explain my needs to her.

Man I am getting tired of the automatic bashing from some of you.

Keep up the smart, sarcastic, dismissive tone. Your attitude is getting you nowhere, on this forum or with your ex wife.

It's obvious that there was a context to such statements. Do you genuinely believe that with all the problems you caused her by being out of work for three years when she had small children, that her biggest need was for you to **** her more?

Could you be more wilfully blind? Blind - not blindsided.

You went to her about your needs, when she needed a husband to support her and her tiny children? No doubt she saw that as whining and breathtakingly self-absorbed. You had no idea how much you were letting her down - and you went to her asking for YOUR needs to be met? She needed you to be the hunter-gatherer and protect her and her babies when they were most in need, and there you were complaining about YOUR needs?!

I've no doubt that when she said that you just need to **** her and everything would be fine she was being sarcastic, and the fact that you took this literally was all the proof she needed that you just didn't get it and never would.

The statement about "ignoring my needs in the process" was highly disrespectful, by the way.

You come across to me on here as totally unloveable. You didn't support her and were unable to find a job for three years, and since then you've held the unpleasant attitude that has been painstakingly pointed out to you on this thread. You come across to me as totally unloveable to a woman who has children and needs to be taken care of, and now you think that if you could just **** her more you could Plan A her back to the marriage.

Unbelievable.

I'm not your ex husband, so spare me whatever resentment you have for him, okay? I'm not your personal punching bag.

I don't have an ex husband!

"And yes, I do still love her."

So, then text her: "WW, you know I still love you."

Congratulations on getting re-hired and getting benefits. That is huge.

But if you are in Plan A, you are in Plan A. Do you follow?

Even though she said you only needed to **** her more....

she most likely meant she needed to feel admired and to have affection from you.

Women want to feel like their guy thinks they are the most gorgeous woman and they need tactile love.

It appears to be the need of sexual fullfillment (woman ARE sexual creatures) but a woman typically has the following top needs:

affection
family commitment
honesty and openness
financial support
conversation

It is the nature of people.

Let me address some things now that I am finally at home and on my computer. Kinda hard to type from a phone.

SugarCane is making HUGE assumptions, and not considering my side of things at all. Remember that I did not cheat, I did not divorce.

When I say my ex wife is all about the humpty dance, I am not kidding. Yes, the affection thing includes more than that, but let me tell you something, in the early years of our marriage, before kids, I would want to hold her hand or put my arms around her on the sofa while we watched a movie, whatever the situation was. I was always affectionate that way - I always liked to have some sort of physical contact with her. But every time I did that at home, she immediately tried to leverage that into a sexual encounter. EVERY time. I am not joking. It got to the point where I started touching her less and less because she was so aggressive in trying to parlay every simple sign of affection into a full-on romp. I even told her that sometimes I just wanted to hang out and put my arms around her, and if it evolved into a romp, then so be it, but let it happen naturally for pete's sake, ya know? She was always trying to force it.

When this happened, she'd get angry and stay angry. Then when I'd ask her what was wrong, she'd either say "nothing" or just glare at me. And when I WOULD try to initiate rompage at bedtime, she'd lay there like a corpse. Ya know, to punish me. Then when I'd roll over and go to sleep after she'd have zero response to my overtures, she'd cry (I never knew this until much much later, of course - she hid it from me). Bottom line is she NEVER communicated ANYTHING to me other than what SHE needed and only when she kept it to herself and it came out in an angry rant. "You just need to **** me more and everything will be fine." Translation: "YOU need to satisfy MY needs, and your needs are of no importance to me." THAT is right from Harley's book. She made me feel less and less important to her month after month, year after year. So when people like SugarCane start to preach to me about what my WIFE needed, and how I screwed up in not giving it to her, I get a little pissed. Harley's book is called HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. Not HER NEEDS HER NEEDS. By the way, when she was angry with me, guess what? It prevented me from being comfortable in initiating romance with her. That mood says "stay the hell way from me" to most guys. Not her, though, she expected me to overlook that and force myself on her. Sorry, but I do not possess a rapist mentality.

As for my needs, I don't need a lot of ego stroking like some guys. I don't need a woman who will tell me how flipping awesome I am every minute, because I don't think I am any more or less awesome than anyone else. Just an occasional "good job" or "you'll do fine" goes a long way with me. I just need to know that I am welcome in my own freaking house and that I am appreciated, even a little. But I got NONE of that from her. And wanting to screw me every time I give out a hug doesn't count, sorry.

When I lost my job in 2009, I told her it would be fine, that things would work out. She freaked out and started nagging me daily to "get a job" as though I was some homeless schlub living on her front stoop. She got angry at me for that, and stayed angry. Then when she'd get home, she'd find something to [censored] about (dishes weren't done, whatever) instead of a pleasant "How did the job search go today?" She would attack as soon as she got in the door, and that is no lie. I didn't even have time to ask her how her day was, so don't even give me crap about "Oh, well you coulda shoulda woulda..."

By the way, SugarCane, I was home taking care of two little girls in diapers, every day, all day, cooking every meal (including dinner for her), WHILE I was looking for a job and going on interviews... so I don't appreciate the

"...when she needed a husband to support her and her tiny children? No doubt she saw that as whining and breathtakingly self-absorbed."

horsesh*t, okay? I did everything in my power to make things work. You are so far off base with that nonsense, so keep your wild assumptions to yourself. You have no idea what went on in that house. I may not be Captain Perfect or Peter Plan A, but I am not going to sit here and let you make completely inaccurate characterizations of me.

Need to sleep. Been a very long week.

/rant

Thank you, it is huge. I fugured out I'll make $17,000 more than I did last year, and get benefits. The project moves forward as well.

So what should I be doing in a plan A that is not merely reacting to texts?

By the way, she brought 2 big bags of my clothes with her when she dropped the girls off. She's still scrubbing her life of any evidence of my existence.