I'm familiar with MB, have read the books and articles and participated in the past on forums. My husband and I have struggled from day one of blending our families. Now, ten years in, we are on the verge of being emptynesters and he is threatening divorce. I believe he is verbally, mentally and financially abusive. Neither of us believes in divorce but we both were before we married.

Recently I forced his hand. He is chronically unemployed and has taken charge of our finances. Ive worked at the same company for 25 years with benefits and promotions along the way. I get collection calls at work regularly. I have learned we must sell our house or be foreclosed on because he put a lien on it for a second mortgage and a car loan I wasn't involved in. He refuses to work on finances with me so I setup my own bank account for my pay and told him I was happy to sit down and discuss finances with him. Now he calls me a liar and deceitful and is threatening divorce. He moved into the basement.

Over the last week we've had a conversation by email and even then we can't seem to come to understanding. Am I going crazy? He says I am nuts.

Our kids are 18--21. We've lost nine family members in the last two years including my father, his exwife/son's mom, my kids' step mom, my kids' grandfather, three uncles and my sister's baby. No one is coping well. Two of the kids have moved away. I've been in counselling for a year; he's gone twice with me but dislikes my couonsellor.

Him: We need to sit down. We've come to a fork in the road and need to figure out the direction we're both going to take. I can't continue like this. I 'm a person that needs affection and you don't seem to be able to give me that. Hopefully Ill be home from my new job at the same time as you tomorrow and we can talk.

He came home, said he didn't want to talk and went downstairs. So I answered his email with one of my own.

Me:
I believe the purpose of our marriage at this time is financial. If we are not together we cannot afford to own a home. I will collaborate on household finances. Going forward I will maintain my own account and we may plan expenses and purchases together. I expect that my husband should help me create a household where basic needs are met and there is a low probability of experiencing economic hardship.

If there is verbal abuse (swearing, blaming, name calling) I will leave the room.

I need respectful, intelligent conversation and affirmation. I will make time to visit with friends who provide this for me.

From now on I will attend activities with extended family alone.

I am more relaxed with a quiet bedroom, not having the tv on until very late at night.

I will no longer have sex unless I have emotional desire. I will not have sex out of marital obligation. I need gentle affection, respectful, intelligent conversation, affirmation.

I would enjoy doing the following things with you: going to movies, concerts and sport events; planning home and yard projects; having friends in our home; travelling, camping; golfing [/b]

Him:
I am tired od reading emails from you that put across an image of a wounded animal. Always it's yhe same thing with you. I want this.... i want that.... I'll leave the the room if this...

Your emails are always writen in a manner that makes it look as though you've suffered at the hand of someone that locked you up. You've always been able to go see friends, family or anything. You can go see family when ever you want, but i would suggest that you learn to change tires and maintain the car.... not just get in and drive. You yell, you swear, you call names at me and at DSS. The only two people here. You never call DD anything, you never call DS anything nor your sister, whom all have caused a great amount of stress on things. The difference between you and I is I admitt I've done the swearing, I've yelled though I do not believe to be 1/2 as much as you. You. Have never stated in one of your emails the accountability or responsibility of doing anything. You just write in a manner that you look the victim.

"You expect your husband...."? That's the problem. I am not, you've not treated me as a husband for a very long time. I ask you what your goal for "us" is. You give me, I want this, I want that. The goal is the prize. The goal is the game. The goal is the end of the tunnel not all the "stuff" you get on the way. For me, my goal and what I've been hoping to hear from you is, family..... marraige.... a home. Not a house, a home.

I'm not willing to do anything with you if you can not accept your faults, if you can not accept your parts in things. These emails you write are not right or wrong, they are just missing a lot of crucial information. That needs to stop.

I do not "NEED" to be here with you. I am here because there is still a little thread of hope that things will get better, but it is a thread.... not a rope. I will not live as we are presently for a great amount of time. I will not live, stuck in this situation. I will not live with the inability of being happy, which is how things are now. This house is not keeping me here. I could care less for it and it will not bother me in the least to sell it. Emotionally I'm on a teetertoter and could honestly go in either direction because I'm exhausted with all the drama, selfishness etc... you or your family can do no wrong. Your sister has distrepected me beyond belief and worse not made amends. I've been dragged into offices due to you son and what others have lived through. I have sat by and warned you or your family of things that did not look right. NONE of you ever listened and terrible things such as (my bio daughter's) illness/injuries have occured. You all care soooooo much and say you do in emails and texts, yet I am the one that doesn't waste my time doing this because I'm the one "TAKING ACTION AND NOT TALKING," I'm the one driving around all night looking for your son when he's went missing. I'm the one that has been in contact with taxi companies, police, hospitals, bus services so that i could find him when he has went missing. I don't need to write my feelings because my feelings are behind my actions, they are in police reports, they are in records of taxi companies and city transit. I am a doer.... not a talker.

So. The day you can write your little emails and admitt that you are just as guilty of "verbal abuse" is the day I'll consider in moving forward in any attempt of a marraige with you. I am not going to sit and listen to you give the sob stories trying to make yourself out to be the victim. The other day when you acted crazy, (his bio son) witness to this, and when confronted, you said... "hit me, go ahead hit me..... hit me."
I've never and would never hit you. You saying this is shows just how messed up you are. What you said would be something a sick person would say.

So.... you admitt your faults, IN BLACK AND WHITE and thats a start. You never provided me with simple proof of this with the incident with your sister so I do not believe it happened. I know you, you are poor at confronting people, you are poor at defending your husband. You are the only one that is here because of the house.

You need to plan to separate, Ma'am. You did a very good job of explaining your needs in your letter and he has rejected that. He has insulted you in his response and made the problem 10x worse. I believe his threat of a divorce is meant to get you back in line and is a bully tactic.

I would give him 3 weeks to meet the conditions in your excellent letter and then make plans to separate. You should start making those plans NOW.

I want to applaud you for making a decision to NOT tolerate his abuse and not having sex with him again. If you did not take that stand you would grow to hate him if you don't already.

Separation may be the only motivator for him to change. If he doesn't change, you are better off living apart beucase much more of this horrendous behavior will damage your emotional and physical health. Please check out this article by Dr Harley - and note that you have done exactly what he would have recommended: When To Call it Quits

In other words, he doesn't care about your feelings. A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage and an irritation in a bad marriage.

Is the house in his name only? I don't understand what you mean when you say he put a lien on the house. He took out equity?

If he is abusive then you should prepare to leave but the way you worded your email...saying that the purpose of your marriage is financial...I understood what you meant but I can also see how that would set him off.

Was your son missing? Is there any truth to what he responded with or is it all lies or warped?

Welcome to MB

He took out secured loans on our house to buy a car (so he could get to work out of town) and to pay bills. We couldn't afford the loans when he lost his job again.

Yes, in addition to nine family members dying -- all but two unexpected -- my daughter was hospitalized five hours away (while my father was dying two hours away) for three months due to anorexia and other self-harming behaviours. My autistic son ran away. As I said, none of us are coping well with stress and loss. My husband had to be the one out all night looking for my son because the boy disappeared at night after I took sleeping pills and antianxiety meds. I literally couldn't stay awake. We have no other family here. My extended family is 2--5 hours away, his is 10 hours away by car.

Half of my family has cut me off because I choose to stay with him. My husband found out that my sister wanted me to leave him and to date a single friend of hers. My husband says I should have publicly humiliated her over this. He is mad that I have not been united with him over this incident.

Honestly, I do not believe I yell or swear as much as he does, but I'm so stressed... Who knows. If I do then its not the person I want to be. Is he to blame for all of it? No. Does he support me physically, emotionally, financially? Rarely.

I am certainly not justifying your H's response to you or his IB of taking out the loans but it there anything else going on that should be mentioned? Two children (not his bio children) have problems and you are taking meds and sleeping pills. Are things like discipline of the children agreed upon by you both or has your house been chaotic from day 1? You said things were difficult from the beginning.

Is there any truth in you telling your H to hit you?

What was your other posting name?


How soon do you think you can separate?


Wow. She does not think much of you.

x 2

Your H has very good reason to be angry at your sister. Putting aside the public humiliation request, did you support/understand your H over this?

Me:
I am saying what I will do and telling you what I need. I am being direct about how I would like to reconnect as empty-nesters. This is what I thought you asked for. I don't understand what you want me to say. I cannot say "I want to be married to you," without providing an operational definition of that marriage or nothing will change for us. Action items for what we each want as goals IS the crucial information, I believe. I cannot decide what actions you will take. I can tell you what I will do.

Just because I don't get angry and call the kids and my sister names doesn't mean I'm not disappointed at how things are with my family. I have defended you. Ask the kids, ask my family. Why do you think they cut me off? Because I chose you over them. I no longer have a relationship with my sister or my son. I am barely talking with my daughter.

Yelling and swearing at you, I want to change this in myself. I do not believe in yelling or calling people down. When I do this I do not feel that I am myself. I lack integrity when I behave in this way, so I will do my best to walk away when I am fired up.

I am stressed. I have high levels of anxiety, pain and fatigue. This is why I am in counselling and taking medication. If I took more meds for the pain and anxiety, I don't know if I could work.

Threatening to release private photos of me that were taken when I was 22 years old -- as you did a few days ago -- is blackmail and illegal. The threat is mental abuse and a game. Every time you threaten to harm me or someone I love its mental abuse. Every time you call someone a name or threaten violence against them -- even if I don't know them -- its abusive to them and me if I have to listen to it.

I am a communicator and a collaborator. If you won't work WITH me, we are going to continue having problems. Just as you need items to go into certain places in the kitchen, I need to talk things out and come to agreements. Yes, we irritate each other but our marriage is beyond irritating.

My goal is a marriage. To me a marriage without kids is a financial partnership, a friendship -- ideally best friends, but not necessarily -- roommates, a loving sexual union, and recreational partnership. In my previous email I explained how I would like to behave in regards to these things moving forward.

I don't understand what you mean when you call me "selfish". Please provide me with examples and explain.

I will do my best not to belittle you directly or to our friends, by teasing about your desire for order in the kitchen. You do this when you tell others about me chipping the paint on the Cherokee or how bad I am in bed, so please stop that, too.

I'll do my best to put things where they belong in the kitchen. Labels inside drawers would help me.

My idea of marriage includes being in love. I don't want to be in a loveless marriage.

Him:

You don't understand because you don't see beyond your own feelings or thoughts. 90% of the time you are... Me, me, me, or I, I, I. I've always said us or we.

If your family has disowned you or cut you off because you picked me over them, well I never asked you to. Your sister is a *itch. Sorry, but she is. As far as your kids go, your son has has cut off many other family members. As far as your daughter, her not spending time with you is not my fault. Sorry, blame someone or something else for that. She was here last Xmas and left as soon as she had to do some chores. As far as the rest.... your brother, your SIL and your mother, how exactly have they cut you off? They speak to you, the FB you.

If I'm to blame for this as you say..... Why are you still here? I can tell you one thing... If my sister, brother or in-laws ever pulled the crap off like your sister.... I would have torn them a new [censored] with you there. They would be on tears before I have was finished. That's the BIG difference between you and I. I would confront any of them with you by my side. Your kids or your family would never tell me anything like you doing this. They would lie for you and cover for you. We are past the Sister thing and I will never believe anything was ever said to her in response. I don't trust anyone... Not anymore. Like, love, relationships all come and go, but trust is very hard to gain and even harder to gain back.

Dawn? Are you blogging? Are you reading our posts? We don't need to see more blogging, we hear your response to our posts. Can you please read our posts and respond?

Are you willing to separate or not?

You both are committing huge lovebusters and withholding ENs.

Me:
I am a very different person than you. For me to change to do things your way doesn't come easily. We need to recognize our different preferences and strengths and the ways we compliment each other. Different isn't wrong.

Over the years I have received training to communicate using "I statements." Supposedly, by talking about my feelings and my needs, it prevents finger pointing and blame. Instead it is supposed to focus on me taking responsibility for my feelings and making requests of others or stating what I will do. You don't like "I statements." Perhaps the language is too exclusive and independence-focused for a couple? I can try to unlearn this habit.

Him:
This is another example of thr one-way street you are on. By one-way street I mean it's your direction, your way and everyone has to follow it. You take in a one-way and don't give back.... a two way street you come and go, give and take. One ways are big in your family, even with your ex. Hell my ex did it and look where that got her--dead from suicide. I can not give because i have nothing left to give. My "love tank" is empty. My trust in you all is gone completely because of your bank account. I can't believe in anything you tell me in it's entirety because I know for a fact that you don't tell things straight, the way they are. You exaggerate and blow things up enough that it changes what was said or done and by doing so always seems to maje yourself the person who is right and could do no wrong, the victim. Another oneway street.

I'M SLEEPING IN A DIFFERENT ROOM.... MY CLOTHES ARE MOVED OUT OF OUR BEDROOM.... I DO NOT TELL YOU GOOD NIGHT BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE. I DO NOT KISS YOU GOOD NIGHT OR KISS YOU BEFORE I LEAVE FOR WORK, BECAUSE I'M NOT THERE. I'm already getting used to sleeping and being alone. You have turned me into what you wanted to, a roommate.

Your sorry excuse of a councillor doesn't seem to me to agree with couples meeting in the middle from what I gathered. Her marriage must be perfect..... couples meet in the middle. I've been trying to get you to do this for years and you only care about a budget. Money is not a relationship. Dong things together and spending time together is. This is what people do before they get married.... this is what we don't do or have. It's a foundation and ours has crumbled.

Me:
Our sex life is a two way street. I give for you. I'd rather not live in renos anymore; the fumes make me sick with asthma and migraines and we can't afford it. I don't want to move if but it looks like we don't have any choice. I'd rather not move out of town because the highway is bad in winter. I take care of all of the pets every morning, including yours. I clean all the bathrooms and do all the polishing. I wash the floors. I go without calling or seeing my family, pro hair appointments, new clothes, etc. because we can't afford it. I don't know why you think I am so selfish.

The things you prefer to do, like going to movies, renos, shopping for bigger ticket items, take money. By sitting down together we can plan our lives instead of always letting things happen to us.

Clearly you have unmet needs. If you want affection and affirmation, know that angry outbursts and poor hygiene turn me off. Its difficult for me to want to be close when words or odors drive me away.

Him:
[/b]In regards to our sex life, I didn't call you a librarian,star fish or dead [censored], if i ever used those words it was in an argument with you and I would have said "you are LIKE a star fish or a like a..." not you ARE one of either.

But your interpretation is something thst does help here. .... HURTS DON'T IT?. You've been hurting me like thus for years. Your daughter has hurt me for years... your son has hurt me for years.

[My daughter has anorexia nervosa and is a survivor of sexual assault. My son is autistic.]

Your things here have been taken a bit much out of proportion and/or exaggerated a little though. I would never admitt saying those things to you, not even divorced or on my death bed.

Your bull**** with my hygiene is growing old. I do shower and when I don't, I wash up. In your eyes, if you don't see me in the shower or go into the shower then I don't shower. The same thing is with my teeth. Just because i do not brush at bedtime does not mean i do not brush.... comments like these are called "slander. "

I am not even going to respond to what you say you do here or what you go without. Because it's BS. You choose to go without things. So enough of that sh*t.... I'm tired of it.

Dawn?????

We lost nine family members, almost lost my daughter and he lost his job in a two year window. We both have chronic health problems, but I manage to work. I treat my SITUATIONAL stress, anxiety, etc. with regular counselling, appointments to docs, and prescribed meds.

He doesn't treat his mental health anymore. I'm not convinced he's treating his injuries or diabetes appropriately, either, but I don't go to his appointments and I don't nag him.

The kids are now 18--21. My bio kids have moved out. Shortly after we married, when the kids were all in elementary school, we started counselling because blending was an issue. We discovered his bio son had post-traumatic stress disorder and reactive attachment disorder due to abuse and neglect at the hands of his bio mom who was schizophrenic. We removed her parental rights and I was in counselling with the boy for two years to help with blending/bonding. He didn't trust women. In this period my husband was injured at work and returned to school full time. Then he got sick with diabetes.

We blended families with two special needs boys while my husband was injured and in school. One income.

Then my daughter became self-harming and anorexic. (A year later we found out she'd survived sexual assault and didn't tell anyone.) We were waiting for her to go into treatment (a three month waiting period while I tried to keep her alive at home) when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Our two years from hell began and our struggling marriage went downhill from there.

A few days ago my husband was yelling inches away from my face with a clenched fist. Yes, in that moment I told him to hit me. It would have hurt less than some of the things he's said to me.

I don't even have enough money for rent and a damage deposit on top of the bills we have. The house is going for sale as soon as renos are done.

You need to separate, Dawn. And while you are making plans to separate, STOP FIGHTING WITH HIM! Your bickering with him is not resolving the problem, it is making it worse.

Did your relationship start as an affair? Did you live together before marriage?

We had both been divorced for over three or more years when we met. We were friends for a year before our relationship became romantic. We had special-needs boys the same age in common. We lived together after we became engaged. We were married a year later.

You shouldn't wait any longer. I would take your bill money and move out before he kills you. Your husband is an angry hot head and when he is angry, he is insane. He has already threatened to hit you and all it takes is one time for him to go after you. The way that you fight with him, you are not safe.

Don't wait. Stop this insanity.

Can you go stay with a friend, family member until you get your next check? When you get your next check, you could rent a place.

We have no family closer than a two hour drive away, too far for me to work. I need my pay and I need benefits for my kids' medical needs. Lawyers tell me I may be responsible to support my husband, too, because of his medical needs and demonstrated chronic unemployment.

Every month I owe MORE than I earn so I cannot pay the mortgage and pay rent and support my family. I don't see that I can go anywhere except maybe a friend's sofa until the house sells.

I have read on MB for years but haven't posted in 8, by the way. I don't even remember my old username.