I'm not sure how much information to put in here. I recently rededicated to being the husband my wife needs me to be. Like all marriages ours has had its ups and downs. I would say nothing major, but times of boredom and unease.

I started going to sites to talk about and read about sex stuff about 7 years ago, maybe more. It progressed from chatting to sexting, and with a few women phone calls, though that was rare. About two, or so, years ago my wife found out about my indiscretions from a woman I had a brief online relationship with who got jealous and outed me. She not only outed my relationship with her, she also told my wife about the woman I had an ongoing relationship with. The long term affair ended very painfully last spring.

My wife knows about my online indiscretions and the few phone calls, but not about the long term affair. She was suspicious due to what the woman told her, but my wife could never prove it and I never admitted to it, because I knew she would leave. I suppose if I had come clean from the beginning she might not have left, but now that I've been denying it and stayed in that relationship for so long, I know she will divorce me if I tell her now.

What I'm looking for are ways to help my wife and I rebuild our marriage from what I did to it.

Well, you may not be cheating any longer, but you are still a liar. You can never rebuild a marriage as long as one of the spouses is dishonest. Come clean and tell your wife everything.

AM

You are dangerous to your BW with your present mindset. You are focused on yourself. You minimize what you have done, i.e. "nothing major", and then you outline a pattern of betrayal that is as bad as any we have ever seen. You talk about the pain you have been through, and you don't express even a bit of concern about the intense pain you have caused your wife. She has every right to hear the unvarnished truth from you, and decide for herself what is best for her future without your interference. You need to demonstrate to your wife that you are willing to do the heavy lifting to fix this. Start by being honest.

I do have concern for the pain I've caused my wife. It is the very reason I see no reason to rehash what she doesn't know about the affair. I am done with cheating and willing to rebuild. We made a decision to stay in our marriage and rebuild when it all blew up.

We have 3 kids at home that need their parents to stay married. I will work every day to make that happen, and make sure it is a happy home life for them.

The decision to continue the marriage is not yours to make, it is hers. Don't you respect her enough to see that?

So you are looking for ways to manipulate her into staying married to you? And you want our help in tricking her? Really? Any other crimes you want us to help you with?

You have no right to decide what is best for your wife and your family. You are the LEAST QUALIFIED person to make that decision. Your wife has a right to know the truth about her life and you are cruel and manipulative to deny her that right. She is not your PET dog, Sir. She is a grown woman who has the right to make her own decisions about her own life.

She needs to know the truth about what you have done so she can protect herself and her children FROM YOU. You are dangerous and are much more dangerous if she does not know the full truth.

You have "concern" about covering your own *ss. When you suggest LYING to your wife and manipulating her into staying married to you against her will, you demonstrate a shocking LACK OF concern.

^^^^ a flagrant lie ^^^^^

There is one way out of this. You tell your wife the full and complete truth. You make your case for continuing the marriage. Then you let her make her decision, and you respect it, whatever it is.

If you are convinced that she will decide to divorce you, then why is it so hard for you to understand that she has every right to do so? It is the very fact that you would rather manipulate her in a self-serving effort to fool her that proves you are dangerous to her. You've done enough damage. Stop it. Tell your wife the truth.

The answer to "how can I help my wife heal?" is: tell her the truth and let her divorce you if that's what she decides she needs in order to heal.

Did you mean to ask "How can I make my wife to stay married to me and not feel so bad so we can 'get past' this?" instead?

Then I suggest you start listening to this radio show each day and get some help transforming your whole mindset:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

As it is right now you are not suitable for marriage. The relationship you are proposing with your wife is not marriage; it is something else that you are mistakenly calling "marriage." I agree that your children need your parents to actually BE MARRIED. Right now you are unwilling to be married; you just want to stay with your wife.

You need some help to learn what marriage really is so you can decide if you are willing to be married or not.

When will you be telling your BW everything?

Have you been tested for STDs? Has your BW?

To help your wife heal, follow Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts:

Basic Concepts Summary
Basic Concept #6

First of all, I never get over the mentality Waywards have, its ridiculous...

1st (bold) - Being honest with your wife and letting her make the decision about her life is how someone should respect their wife. The Affair is what caused the pai, your honesty will keep her from drviing herself crazy wondering what happened or all the facts. Earn her trust and answer every question she wants so she can make an informed decision.

2nd - It's great that you are done cheating but if you want to rebuild a meaningful marriage where both of you are happy it needs to start with honesty, accountability to each other and transparency.

3rd - You're wife doesnt know all the facts so she has made an uninformed decision. You are lying to her and she will find out because I guarantee you she doesnt trust you and honestly you don't deserve her trust since you've done absolutely nothing to earn it and everything to lose/destroy it (you continue to do this by being dishonest).

4th - You're kids will not be happy if both parents are not. You must clean up your side of the street and prove you are worthy of your wife. Once you do this not only will your wife feel your love and know its real you will feel better and you won't have to post your guilt on a Message Board like this. At least you have a conscience but you need to do the right thing or your children nor your wife will ever be happy.

I know the comments can be harsh and that is why I took the time to explain to you the reasoning behind all the advice you are getting here. Please don't waste i. Your first step is to clean up your side of teh street and be the best Husband you can be. I'm not sure you're serious or capable at this point sadly...

I'm listening and reading, though I'm not convinced yet.

I'm not trying to be difficult, but I don't understand how breaking open that wound is helpful to our marriage. I read differing views from "experts" about this topic. Some say if I am committed to being faithful then it is best to leave the past in the past.

I see the devastation I have caused two women and I never want to be a part of that again in any lifetime.

As to the STD question, I have never met anybody in person, so there is no risk of STDs. I kept everything online and few phone calls.

I'm taking in what I'm reading and thinking about it earnestly. How do I decide which *expert* is right about telling or not?

Look at their track record and make an informed decsion. Dr. Harley has been specializing in infidelity for over 30 years (not just marriaages). He has saved tens of thousands of marriages over the years with his principles.

A marriage counselor (if that is who you are talking to) specializes in communication and how to handle healty marriages but not necessarily infidelity.

Dr Harley has used quantitative data to count couples who did this had this % of success and couples who did that had this % of success. His plan is based on the numbers and his plan banks on what gives you the best chance at success (its never a guarantee but he gives you the best odds according to success rates following certain practices). He will be the first to tell you that his thoughts and ideas were not always right but what he suggests is based on decades of research and success.

Where do I find those numbers and how the research was gathered?

BigDave, you really don't need an 'expert' to tell you right from wrong do you?

Lying = wrong. Honesty = right.

You absolutely CAN NOT build a great marriage based on deception. That is not rocket science. If you are still covering up lies, you cannot possibly have the intimacy that a great marriage needs.

GOOD. Stick around. There are two people who come to this forum. Those who long for change, long for great marriages, and *even after reading the hardest advice* and feeling the sting of criticism, come back for more, to achieve that goal. And then there are those who want change to come without doing the hard work. Like people who want to get in shape, while eating donuts and watching TV.

Be the former and not the latter, and you will have a whole new world opened up to you.