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Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 34
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What do you do when you agree to something and your spouse always finds a reason to break the agreement?
Her family will request something of her that she agreed not to do, then she says nothing and lets them bully to try to get their own way.
I've even stated that we agreed to a different scenario and that she promised to keep her word. She remains silent and allows the family to continue.
Finally, I put my foot down calmly and say no due to our agreement. On the way home, I will get 'OMG, I can't even XXXX with my family?!?!?!'
And then she begins to explain how it's just XXXX and why can't she do it.
But the thing is, she agreed to it before hand. I gave in some and she gave in some.
For the sake of this post, assume I did everything right and she simply refuses to uphold her end. Even if you 'think' I am the problem, please answer as if you sat in on the negotiation and fully accepted that it was a mutually enthusiastic agreement as far as you could tell.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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The basic problem here is that your wife sees no incentive to adopt the policy of joint agreement. You've got to sell her on it by figuring out what she stands to gain from it and offering that to her.
Again, stick to one thread!
And start listening to the radio show daily.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,788 Likes: 2
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But the thing is, she agreed to it before hand. I gave in some and she gave in some. That is not how the POJA works. It is tricky to get this right but the solution should be one you are both really enthusiastic about. Practice first with little things like food before you start on complex family issues. For the sake of this post, assume I did everything right and she simply refuses to uphold her end. Even if you 'think' I am the problem, please answer as if you sat in on the negotiation and fully accepted that it was a mutually enthusiastic agreement as far as you could tell. The POJA is very difficult if you are married to a pleaser. You have to be very careful to make sure that they are really enthusiastic, not just saying that they are. You will know the difference because nobody can stick to an agreement that they were not really enthusiastic about in the first place. My husband is a natural pleaser so I can give you a recent example of this. He is always hot and I am always cold. We POJAed the thermostat temperature but he would start lowering it after a day or two. I had to remind him that it was ok to come back and renegotiate but not ok to change the temperature. After he saw the benefit to him of discussing it (respectful), we agreed on a new temperature that works for both of us. The POJA requires a lot of honesty.
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 9,574 Likes: 1
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LW when did you get married? Congratulations!!!! (((Hugs))) I'm so happy for you  How about an update, where is your thread?
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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A decision using the POJA is always up for renegotiation if one party decides they are no longer enthusiastic about it. My H and I do this all the time. He routinely agrees to something and then when we get close to the event, he will change his mind. And that is fine. I do not want him to go anyway, because that is damaging to our marriage. We find something different to do.
And the longer you and your wife practice, the less backing out and people pleasing you will do. My H is much more careful now about "giving in," [capitulation] which was a terrible habit to break.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2007
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LW when did you get married? Congratulations!!!! (((Hugs))) I'm so happy for you How about an update, where is your thread? Thank you NED and yes I married my miracle two years ago. The problem with updating my thread is that I do not want to be reminded of those incredibly dark days. The divorce alone took six years and would have been longer if he had not made a mistake (missed a chance to appeal).
3 adult children
Divorced - he was a serial adulterer
Now remarried, thank you MB
(formerly lied_to_again)
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Joined: Jun 2011
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If your spouse 'finds a reason to break an agreement' then it wasn't something they were truly enthusiastic about.
Find a solution they are happy to do.
Yes - an MBer dead set on a life together would 'do nothing' until that solution was found - but only if they were invested in the marriage.
Your wife isn't. She is on her way out.
Even if you are doing everything perfectly - her lack of investment isn't going to magically change overnight.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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But the thing is, she agreed to it before hand. I gave in some and she gave in some. Here is what Dr. Harley says about that: Four Guidelines for Successful NegotiationResist one type of solution that your Giver and Taker may suggest the "I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time" solution. For example, imagine that you want to go out with your friends after work, leaving your spouse with the children. So to arrive at an enthusiastic agreement for that thoughtless activity, you suggest that you take the children another night so that your spouse can go out with his or her friends.
What you're really proposing here is that each of you will sacrifice so that the other can have fun. The problem with that arrangement is that you are agreeing to behavior that makes one of you unhappy whenever the other is happy, and as I've said earlier, once you have made an agreement, it can easily turn into a habit.
The Giver and Taker suggest those kinds of win-lose solutions because they don't understand win-win solutions. Their concept of fairness is that if you are both suffering equally, that's fair. My view of negotiation is that by the time you are finished you should have arrived at a solution where neither of you suffers. And each part of the solution should not require either of you to sacrifice so that the other can be happy.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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