Our marriage has survived infidelity on my husband's part. We have been through marriage counseling. Our marriage survived his kids from previous relationships and the now adult children's mothers. We have worked through problems in our marriage. I have forgiven, he has forgiven. We have been married close to 20 years. We are both in our early 40's.

Our problem now is sexual. My husband (call him D) is having problems getting and maintaining an erection. This problem started a few years now but D did a good job of "hiding" it. In the beginning, he would get an erection but would lose it in the middle of sex. He would get up abruptly and claim to have a "cramp". Then I started noticing that he would drink a beer or some sort of alcohol right before sex. I suspected that there may be a problem. When I found a store receipt with a product D bought called "stiff nights", my suspicions were confirmed.

Sex has become more and more infrequent. A online pharmacy called for D and, not verifying that I was him, asked me how I was enjoying the viagra and cialis (sp). I mentioned the phone call to D. D joked about it saying he hadn't bought anything from that place and that it was only telemarketer. I told him that if he were considering taking the product, he should be careful because the products can cause health issues. I suggested that he seek medical attention if there was a problem. D denied having a problem.

I found an explanation of benefits that showed D went to see a urologist. I was glad to see that he was actually seeking medical attention. The urologist ordered several tests that D tried to hear from me. I cover D on employer insurance so the EOBs came in my name with him as the patient.

D never mentioned the doctor visits. He never said whether or not things were okay. Sex became even more infrequent. Our 3 - 4 times per week, dwindled to once a week, to once every 2 weeks. Now we are at "maybe" once a month. D won't even hug me. He won't kiss me. Sex, when we have it, is so impersonal. He used to work at pleasing me. Now he wants me to use a toy to pleasure myself so that sex doesn't take as long. He is cold to me and almost freezes if I touch him. I think he is worried that I will try to initiate sex and he won't be able to perform. Although D says he loves me, I don't feel "loved" like I used to feel.

My needs aren't being met. I told him that I need affection. He jokes about it but I don't see any improvement. I don't want to tell him that he is not pleasing me anymore because I don't want to embarrass him or put pressure on him.

Lately, I have been having thoughts about having sex with another man. I am very attracted to my co-worker. I know that he is attracted to me. I didn't feel as much attraction to him but lately, the heat I feel between he & I is very strong. I try to avoid contact with my coworker because I don't want him to know that I feel the same sexual attraction. I don't want to encourage him. The infidelity we have dealt with in our marriage has been on his part. I never thought that I would ever consider sleeping with anyone besides my husband. I love my husband and I don't want to cheat on him.

I have always been attracted to my husband. I want D to let me in. I want him to treat me like he loves me physically (like he used to). Our marriage is in trouble and I don't think he realizes it. He thinks that I will always be there for him, because I have been in the past. I know that sex is not everything. I still love him. I just have needs and it is getting hard to ignore them.

Has anyone been through this before? Suggestions are requested.

Hi notlooking, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am glad you came here before you acted on your feelings for this other man, because that would ruin your life. You can turn your marriage around if you will follow this program, on the other hand.

While sex is certainly a problem in your marriage, the bigger problem here is a lack of radical honesty and a failure to meet each others emotional needs. That will certainly cause you to fall out of love. Once you fall out of love completely, it will be harder to save your marriage.

I would go read through all the links in the Start Here first thread stickied at the top of this forum and then come back and ask questions.

And I would also suggest you tell your husband everything you told us here, especially about the coworker. The coworker is dangerous to your marriage due to your feelings for him.