I met my know husband through internet and we had a relationship for several years before I came to the states with my youngest daughter, three years ago following the dreams we planned together.
The first of various red flags occurred on the day I was packed and ready to depart to start my new life here when he went crazy and insulted me because I "disappeared" on him the day I was selling my computer to gather some money. According to him I was with another man.
He threatened to have me detained and deported when I got here.
I had no choice, no money, no family there and already had sold everything so I had no choice but to come anyways because according to his mother, it him feeling frustrated and insecure and once I got here things would change for the better.
The first thing that disappointed me was the lack of interest.
On the very first moments we were going to spend together as a couple here, he brought his mother along and left her with me while he went to work his night shift.
We got intimate with the lady snoring on the couch right outside the room and on a mattress that looked it had been rescued from the trash, covered in all kinds of stains... toothpaste, chocolate pudding, gum...
He had lost the keys to the apartment and his mommy returned him the set that he had given her (instead of saving them for me).
The first weeks was a roller-coaster of complete craziness. He prohibited me to mention my daughter's father at all and he would refer to him making nasty jokes and insulting him. He would lock the computer when he left for work at nights so I wouldn't have access to the internet. He didn't leave me the apartment keys so he could lock me up and he also disconnected the phone.
His mother had no boundaries whatsoever and would visit almost everyday, demand for food, coffee, for me to pluck her mustache and eyebrows and even started to come to shower here after her walk on a park nearby... then she would come out the bathroom NAKED, enter my daughter's room and ask me to bring her the towel... my husband did nothing about this even tho I let him know it bothered me.
She once told me that his son was too tense and to go "give him a massage and [censored] him". WTH????
A couple of times she would come and look at an older picture and make fun about my "smaller titties" while my husband did nothing.
Whenever I tried to approach him about anything that bothered me, he would go crazy telling me I though I was better than them and made a storm yelling, insulting, threatening and throwing my clothes all over the house while asking me to leave his house.
He once even called his mommy and asked her to come pick up "this woman" because "he didn't want me anymore" and get rid of me and the mother came to discuss about taking me and my daughter to a shelter.
Later he apologized, swore not to do it again and we went ahead and got married.
Now let me tell you about my dream day.
I won't make a huge deal about the day we went to pay for the wedding permit, when he didn't bring any money because he expected his mother to bring her checkbook even tho he didn't mention anything. I just want to put the humiliation behind.
Since our finances weren't good, I wanted at least to buy a simple cheap dress for the Justice of Peace ceremony and to have a small gathering with his family.
I don't know how to drive or my way around this city so when he completely ignored me, I had to improvise a dress adding strings to a long skirt.
On our wedding day, when I was ready to leave, he brought me along to Walmart to buy pants and a shirt to wear. Yes, at the very last second.
Since he didn't find cheap enough pants, he purchased the shirt and took some dirty pants out of the hamper and wore them.
His mother came to pick us up (don't know why she had to be around for everything all the time) and instead of dropping us on the Justice of Peace entrance and go park the car, she brought us to the parking place and we had to go walking a couple of blocks under the scorching Florida sun.
While we waited our turn, my mother in law had to pull up another one of her funny jokes and like a demented person she almost put her head inside my chest and started mocking me asking if "those" (my breasts) were eggs or something... I couldn't believe the humiliation this crazy woman was putting me through and that my soon to be husband just sat and did nothing about it.
To resume, we got married and the "celebration" was held on a Pizza Hut's bench...
2 days after, he took the wedding band off because I confronted him about letting his mother disrespect me and he continued to do so to manipulate me every time we got into an argument and now it has been more than a year that we don't wear anything at all because I got tired of his childish manipulative behavior.

At this point, years after, this is the situation:
I got pregnant and had the worst pregnancy anyone could imagine in which my husband never treated me with care, gave me a massage, rub my back or all the things husbands do to their pregnant wives or cared about nothing. Not even enough to purchase the things for the baby, because he was expecting everyone to buy it for me.
I never had any time to recover because I have been doing absolutely everything from the day I came home after a C-section.
Our responsibilities? He works 4 days per week, night shifts even tho he had assured me he would get normal hours before I even came to the country, but since is easier to babysit a building when there's hardly or no people there, he can go read comics and play with his PS Vita.
His excuse is that he gives us a roof to live, because he pays the rent and bills. He also washes one load of his dirty clothes per week. That's it.
He doesn't take care of our toddler who was recently diagnosed with autism. He has never given him a bath or put him to sleep... or even help when he wakes up several times every night ever since he was born.
We have food stamps, WIC and go to a food pantry, so is not like he has to pay for food.
I don't work. I have no money. I get around US$90 monthly for my daughter and that's it, and even so I still have to have to pay for the air conditioner to be on, because he made me spend my whole pregnancy with temperatures of 90F to "save" money.
I provide all the house necessities that are not food like napkins, toilet paper, laundry detergent, dish detergent, soap, razors, deodorant, shampoo... well, you get me.
I have managed to provide my son with diapers and wipes for almost 2 years. He has bought diapers 2 times.
I do all the chores around the house and more. He won't even take out the trash even if the bin is full, he would go and wipe his rear and put it right on top.
While I take care of the house, the kids, the chores and the surveys I manage to do to get that pocket money for what is needed, he sleeps, sits on the computer or plays video-games.
I cant even go to the bathroom alone because he won't look after our child and when I come out I have to pick up whatever he has gotten his little hands in to.
I am so so tired. I get sick and I can't even have a moment to rest because he won't look after our son.
Can't even have the freedom of cleaning the house and getting things done like a normal housewife because he is always around making all sorts of messes and he won't pick up after himself.
I am exhausted. Someone knocks on the door, he hides and I have to answer. We go shopping and I have to push the grocery cart because he wont do it. The very few times we eat out (fast food because I pay) I have to ask for it... like he is another one of my kids.
We go to the food pantry, he stays on the car. Also many times when we go to the groceries...
I don't feel like I have a husband at all... I can't count on him, no matter what his family says or does he would side with them.
His mother came to my house a few month ago and while I was inside my room, she said that the people from my country are trash. IN MY HOUSE. He did NOTHING.
Then because I avoid contact with her she would act offended and come and stay downstairs while my husband brings my son for her to see him.
She told my daughter that there was no such thing as the Three Wise Men (when she was telling her about the toys she got for Christmas!)
His brother is also a weirdo that whenever we went to visit (very rare) he would unlock the door of the house and go hide in his room. He also texted my husband to tell him not to bring me to the house and always makes fun of our sons hair because its curly (like mine).
So I have to put up with these people's stupidities, rudeness, lack of manners, offensive behavior, humiliations and they still act like I am the one in fault!!!
I am talking about a woman that comes and sleeps in my couch, farts in front of me and picks her nose while outside on the store...

The thing is that I have tried everything with him... I am the one that maintains the sanity, that takes every insult, every abusive behavior, threat... he promises he would change but does nothing about it... he feels he owns my body and demands for sex just to take me to the store... he blackmails me in all sorts of ways and thinks I have to be submissive to him, and tells me I think I can give him orders just because I ask him to tell me when we're going out somewhere so I can get ready...
I am the housewife but I cannot decide when to go for food because it would mean I think I am in charge, so we have to eat cereal or ramen noodles for days until he decides when because I don't have a say in anything!.
I don't even have a place in the car because he would litter my seat and from time to time I have to spend weeks or months or even one whole year sitting in the back of the car because he won't pick up his mess.
Seems like I am here to serve him and put up with his abuse, his dirty mouth, lack of respect and responsibility and also with the Adams family without expecting anything in return.
How to deal with it?
I am so hurt I started to feel numb already and just let it be. But in days like today when I am feeling sick with headache and a fever and can't even think of taking some time for me to rest because I am not entitle to, it really affects me.
I cannot put up anymore with his lack of respect, responsibility, manners and hygiene.
My husband doesn't respect me, would insult me or humiliate me whenever because of his lack of control, he seems to enjoy putting me down, mistreating me. He doesn't control his family, he won't give me my place, he acts like he doesn't have a son who needs us specially now that he was diagnosed... he postpones everything, we're always late for everything... he doesn't collaborate with chores, with our son... we are not a family... he would complain and make me miserable whenever there's something that takes him off his schedule of games and entertainment...
He doesn't want to deal with anything else than those 4 days he works and thinks I have to feel thankful for that.

Dr. Harley would encourage you to take your children and go to a Women's Shelter.
You can call the Police for the nearest Shelter and the Shelter can arrange for transportation if needed.
You should do this immediately.

Oh, and don't tell him that you are leaving.
Do it while he is at work.

Has your husband been using the threat of deportation to make you stay and be treated like this?

It looks like he was seeking someone online that would be vulnerable to being enslaved into his service.

Please don't let this continue. There is no future for you in this enslavement.

Please follow Jedi's advice; don't give your husband any hints about your plans.

I have thought about it plenty of times, even calling the police because that is what he deserves for being abusive with me and my kids the way he has, but I am concern about my children and what would happen after that.
I have no money. I don't even know how to drive... My youngest now needs speech therapy to be able to progress...
We would be homeless and I am scared he would take our child because I won't be able to provide for him.

He did for a long time, but month ago we applied for our green card because that way he would get more money out of the tax returns. (Money he stated was all his because he is the one that works).
We already received the travel's permit, so in a matter of time we will have our green cards.

In response to your concerns:

Your youngest child is an American citizen because he was born here. He can receive speech therapy from the public school system. It is required under law.

Your husband cannot take your child. Only a Court can do that. The women's shelter can assist you in obtaining legal protection from the Court. The shelter works with attorneys, the police and the courts.

Based on how you have described him, I can't imagine him fighting to have the children. I think the last thing he wants disrupting his world is an autistic child.

The other one is yours, so he would get no control over her if you left.

He may threaten you with taking your child but it would just be a way to continue to control you.

Please get to a women's shelter at your very next opportunity with your children. Like Jedi said, while he is working.

Don't let him suspect or he may have his bully of a mother come over to guard you.

The title of our thread is 'selfish husband.' I hope you realize that you are dealing with much more than selfishness. What you are dealing with is abuse in many forms.

I know.
And what I expressed is not even half of it.
I think he is mentally ill and it has been progressing. I have tried talking to him about getting help and he would insult me in the nastiest way you could imagine, he has no respect or boundaries whatsoever.
He has an obsession with germs going through his mouth. He is always containing his saliva and spitting "the germs". He doesn't even lick his lips because they are exposed to the germs in the air.
When he eats something that has to be held, he would not eat the part he touched (like a hamburger).
Also since so lazy to wash a fork when he assumes they aren't clean enough for him, he would just eat like a dog, eating directly from the plate.
This issue won't allow him (or any of us) to live a normal life, because even having a slice of pizza is becomes a huge deal because he is not going to eat "touched food". (Sharing a bowl of popcorn and such is out of the question).
Even taking his pants off is a huge deal because he cannot touch them with the shoes, but won't take the shoes off because he will get his feet dirty by standing on the carpet.
He pees on the bathroom sink. He brushes his teeth on the kitchen sink and also gets his hair wet there.
All of this would make you think he is a very clean person, but on the contrary, he has a very poor hygiene and is the most disorganized person I've ever known.
He showers weekly. There has been a huge pile of dirty clothes on his closet for 2 years (he even brought it dirty when we moved to this apartment).
He eats inside the car and leaves all the remains there. Even banana peels, whatever, for months. On my seating area.
He litters everywhere he goes around the apartment. The computer is always surrounded by napkins, snack bags, hair he keeps cutting and leaving everywhere, and so on. And since he cannot contaminate his hands touching the carpet, everything he drops, stays there.
He cuts his toenails when they look like hooves. He has had a fungus for years that never tried to take care of because he is too lazy to put anything there and asked me to do it for him.
Also, since he cannot touch dust or rust or any of that, he doesn't do any "manly" work, like change a light-bulb, or change the batteries of our child's toys... I do it.
He would clog the toilet a few times per month and expect me to deal with it.
He is totally useless around the kitchen. He can't even spread jam on a slice of bread or put a taco together, slice bread... nothing. I even have to pour the milk on his cereal.
He makes things up about people, always thinks the neighbors are thinking bad about him, or that people are watching him or conspiring in some way against him. He says I think I am better than him, that my family thinks they are better than him... and so on. (My family live in another country and haven't even met him).
He never asks for my daughters or my parents or anybody but expects everyone to be attentive with him and ask for him.
He keeps searching about the average body parts sizes. The hands, arms, head... and measuring his. Also he makes me stand by his side in front of the mirror to compare our bodies.
I have to hide the camera from him because he would take pictures or record himself continuously and dry out the batteries doing this just to see himself making faces... like if he was posing...
The list could go on forever... really...

None of what you just posted matters at this point.

The issue is that you need to separate.
You don't need to keep posting stories of your husbands behavior.
You do need to focus on separation.
Did you call a womans shelter?

Hi!

I think you need to contact a woman shelter now. If you don't know where one is or how to get there, call 911 and the police will take you. Pack 2 good size bags to be ready.

Since you are not from this country- you don't understand the laws. He can not ever take your children.
The shelter would provide a place for you & kids to live.
They would provide legal help and protection.
They will not and can not kick you out of the country since you are the mother of an American citizen.
They provide job training and help you get a job.
They get you set up on benefits of all medical and would help set up help for your son.

Please- your husband is Dangerous!!!!! Call right now and get away!!!!!!

Sra,

There's no earthly reason to remain his internet bargain slave. I wouldn't leave an animal at his mercy.

I know you are afraid of the future; but think how much easier it will be having only yourselves and not this abuser to look after?

All that energy - spent only on you and the children!

You will get start up help from a shelter and welfare: after that your prospects will soar.

That is not true but you are eligible for VAWA which is a special immigration category for abused spouses. Your older child will be be processed with you. Be sure to document everything that has happened (copying your postings from here is a good start). The shelter will tell you how to file.

Sadly you are not the first person to have been exploited this way which is why this immigration category exists.

This is great advice, thank you very much

Thank you for the advice, I will look into the VAWA you mentioned here.
Does it still apply to me if I get the green card?

I will contact a womens shelter I found and ask them how to proceed.
Is not easy for me to just leave everything behind and live who knows where with my two kids... please understand this.
My daughter is a pre-teen, she will lose all of her things and my autistic toddler will be so uncomfortable out of the environment that is familiar to him...
What about school? For how long will we be able to stay? In what conditions? What happens after that? I will still have no money, no car, will not know how to drive and get to places...
What about daily necessities? My toddler's wipes and diapers?
There are so many questions going through my mind and believe me, its too hard.
I know I have no other choice, but it is a tough one mostly because my kids are involved.

Thank you for the advice. I will contact a local shelter and ask them about how to proceed.
My husband neglects the kids but is only really abusive with me, so I can handle it until I prepare myself and at least get informed about what to expect

The intention is to protect a foreign spouse from abuse. Normally you have to remain married for two years after receiving your conditional green card but this allows them to to waive the two year rule and grant you an unconditional green card immediately. You may decide to go home in which case you do not need to worry but this option is open to you and the shelter will explain it.

If you decide to go home and your son needs a US passport to travel, there is also a way for you to get this without your husband's involvement. They will help you with that too.

There were times when I considered doing this. Best of luck to you.

Little kids actually absorb a lot and watch a lot. By the age of two; through watching adults they have either learned that we care for others or they have decided to not care about others.

The uncaring ones will never develop love. The caring ones are damaged by watching a lack of care and love. All abuse boils down to a child knowing it is not loved. Neglect IS abuse.

Get your information and escape route ready fast. Hugs and prayers.