Sorry for the long story-i wanted to give as much detail as I could.


Hi all

I'm new to this and would love some help & advice throughout what I can only describe as the lowest point of my life. I also hope others can learn from the mistakes I have made.

My wife and I were together for 7.5 years (living together for 7) and married for 1 year 6 months. We had what we both thought was an incredibly strong and fireproof relationship and were so happy in each others company.

I'm am 33 and my wife is 32, we were planning (for the past few years) on children, had picked names and always said we would wait until we were 35. This year I went through a tough time personally due to lifes usual pressures and a bad accident which left me with two months off work (I'm fine now). I really withdrew into myself for around 3 months and stopped communicating with my wife and showing her affection/attention and didn't have much interaction with my friends either. At the time I didn't realize what was happening and my wife and I never spoke about this as we genuinely didn't realize there was a problem as each day rolled into the next and we just got on with things. I became very dependent on her and her time but when I was with her i wasn't the same partner she loved so dearly.

Then out of the blue she dropped the bombshell-I need to take some time away,-i'm going to go to my parents, things haven't been the same with us and I am confused. I feel like I have lost myself and need to talk to someone (she never did)-I asked her if she was breaking up with me and she said 'absolutely not'-I just need to take some time to work out what's going on. I did the usual begging, asking for reassurances etc etc etc but the more I did that the more she withdrew and closed off. She told her friends she just needed a couple of weeks away but this turned into a tragic situation.

Over that period I met with her 3-4 times and the girl I was looking at wasn't my wife, her eyes were blank, she was emotionally dead and couldn't talk about things-I have since discovered she wasn't talking to anyone, even her best friends or mom.

One of the times we met she said I feel like I am falling out of love with you and it scares me because I thought we were special and not like everyone else. Then 2 weeks later she withdrew further and said she maybe married me for the wrong reasons (because I was a great guy). Throughout this tike she completely changed and was like a different girl.
I knew at this point there must have been someone else involved and she was saying these things to justify her actions to herself-there was no way she meant these things which she has since admitted.

I also knew at this stage that she hadn't had an affair 'yet' but was very sure was having an emotional affair with a guy from work (who she previously despised) but spent alot of work time with recently.

Well-one month later she slept with him-I was tipped off that they were on a night out together, drove to the place I knew they were and seen them-i spoke with her and it was like speaking with and looking at a different person-she wasn't wearing much make up, dressed very poorly and she told me it was just a night out with friends- my relationship with her parents is incredibly strong and I went to tell them the situation-they couldn't believe it and told me to drive back and take her home. I was too late (Why I didn't do that in the first place I'll never know)

She didn't come home to her parents that night and I knew in my heart at this stage she had spent the night with him-i stayed awake all night and drove in he next morning to the place I knew she had parked her car. When I got there I saw them getting out of a car together and told her to get into my car-right then she told me she slept with him that night and looking at her she was vacant-I didn't judge her, shout or get angry-we drove straight to her parents.

The next few hours were horrible-to begin with she was staring into space blankly and wouldn't talk to anyone-then eventually she broke down as cried uncontrollably for hours-she said she didn't know who she was, didn't want anyone (even her parents) and did not know what she was doing. She was normally a very intelligent, solid and reliable person to all an so loving towards family and friends.

I left her parents and went to a friends-3 hours later she called and said she needed to see me-we met at our home, hugged and she said 'how can I make this right'-after that we lay on the couch and didn't really say too much for around 1 hour-we just needed to be with each other for some strange reason-then she left and went to her parents, I left and went to mine. I told her i wanted our marriage and would do anything for it.

We had some contact for a few days afterwards but she couldn't come home-she then she contacted me 2 weeks later-asked to meet and told me it was over. At this time i know (through her friend) that she still had feelings for the other guy-when she said it was over I asked -do you mean divorce-she said 'I hadn't even thought about that'-it hasn't been mentioned since. This was around the middle of June.

After that we had no contact for 5 weeks, my wife went back to we parents and I stayed at our home. After 5 weeks of soul searching and hell I asked to meet with her, she said of course and we met, talked for around 4 hours and for the first time I felt that I was speaking with the person I loved so dearly. I told her I felt I had played a big part in her actions inadvertently and understood she didn't want to hurt me. During our talk she was warm, affectionate, hugged me lots and i felt like her closed heart was opened to me again-I asked about giving things a go and she said she didn't want to give me any hope as she just didn't want me hanging on. We left things on good terms with a hug and kiss but didn't talk about divorce etc. She told me to come see her parents at any time and was more than welcome in her house.

That night we texted a bit and she said it was great to see me and I would always have a massive impact on her. Since then I have been inconsistent in my actions. When I have cut contact she has texted saying things like 'just saying hey xxx'-normally warm when she initiates contact-and when I have been feeling desperate/needy I have contacted her-anytime I initiate this she closes off.

Many of her clothes/belongings are still in our home, she is living with her parents and by all accounts is miserable (in her words, I am just trying to get through every day)-her mom has confided in me and told me she is still very quiet, not going out much and still not the same daughter she raised.

3 weeks ago she texted to ask if she could come to the house to get some things (this killed me) but came and only took 2-3 things. At this point I told her I would still do whatever it takes to save out marriage and she said 'my head just isn't I'm a place where I think it could work after what I did and all that has happened'-I told her I know things couldn't be the same but if we have learned from things it could make us stronger-she said she just can't see how it could after what she did.

I went on vacation for 10 days came back and had a night planned with her dad (tickets she bought for us last Christmas)-I went to her house to collect him, she was there, we hugged, she kissed me on the cheek, we laughed and she commented on how well I looked. It was again like seeing my wife and best friend again.

I'm really confused as to what to do now, I'm struggling to get through every day but trying to get on with things as best I can. I've been seeing a counsellor, have recently signed up for some coaching for consistency in my actions and have tried to implement a 180 but am finding this tough due to how I feel. I feel like my world has fallen down around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattered-I will never love anyone else and all I have ever wanted was a family.

People have told me that there is still hope but my fear is that my wife will be too afraid to face our friends family and face up to what she did.

I'm currently in a period of growth, reading a lot and trying to mentally prepare myself if she ever does return but I fear she never will and it kills me to think I have lost my best friend, hopes as dreams and my life has no purpose.

Where do i go next?

Sir,
You need to expose this affair far and wide.
Expose to family and friends.
Expose to the co-workers family and friends and the workplace.

Your first step is to read about proper exposure here:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583#Post2566583

Thanks Jedi

I exposed to both our families and friends (the same day she had her first encounter with him).

To say everybody was shocked was an understatement-I also told some of her work colleagues (who I am good friends with).

We've had intermittent (hot & cold) contact since but my wife says she can't work out how things could work after what she did...at a bit of a loss where to go now?

Did you expose to the Other Man's (OM) family and friends?

The guidebook that dictates how affairs are killed and recovered is Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley.
I encourage you to buy this book ASAP, as all advice you receive here will be based on the book guidelines.

Thank you once again for your response-I just bought that book for kindle so will get to it.

At this stage of proceedings my thoughts are that I need to adapt plan B and cut all contact. I can't demand that she doesn't see this guy even though I don't know if they are together because she has been clear that she any see how things could work with us after what she did. Our relationship remains strong and warm when we do have contact but any talk of reconciliation leads her to close down we communication and say 'I just can't get my head around how it would be the same after what happened'

We don't have children so its very infrequently that we see each other bit any time there has been a period of no contact she reaches out in some way to say hey. Divorce hasn't been talked about and many of her belongings are still here at home.

Is plan B the right option at this stage?-it's been 3 @1/2 months since her affair. I am willing to wait it out without any further exposure because I am
sure it will die a natural death (her friends were sure of this when they found out too)

To put things in perspective-this guy has a reputation for this type of thing-it till absolutely shocks me that my wife fell for this (or was drawn in by his charm) but I understand this was because he was showing her attention when I wasn't. They are polar opposites!

Her mom tells me she is still very quiet around the house an sitting around at the weekends doing nothing-I know she could be letting time pass before connecting with him but I think a no contact approach or away the option of me may make a difference?

As a general rule, Dr. Harley advises husbands to remain in Plan A for at least 6 months

Does she still work with the guy???

The 180 is a horrible plan for you. It simple has you ignoring your wife confirming you don't care about her and confirming she isn't worth fighting for while also permitting the affair to continue unabated until it dies a natural death. During this slow agonizing process you have periodic contact with her which also never provides you with peace as you detach from the currently toxic relationship.

At MB you'd either be in Plan A - actively fighting for your marriage, exposing the affair, demanding no contact (and that she quit that job), confronting the issues in your marriage head on and bringing your wife home where you could work on your marriage together (her parents shouldn't be feeding and sheltering a known adulterer without your consent....they "gave" their daughter to you and they should respect that).

Or you'd be in Plan B - you've clearly communicated your love and desire to work things out. Your wife refuses to end her relationship so you end up going "no contact" Plan B on her and completely end all communication and attempts at reconciliation. OM must meet all her needs while you begin to experience a life without your wife. In the process of Plan B you will be detaching while also preserving, to the extent possible, the remaining love you have for her such that IF she wakes up in time to realize what she's losing ....you'll still care enough to give the relationship another go.

Sorry you find yourself in this position. Welcome to MB.

Mr. Wondering

What kind of workplace is this? Would the bosses care??? Exposing to bosses often results in either OM or WW getting fired and the situation of her working with him gets resolved by you.

Is the OM married or in a relationship? Perhaps his girlfriend would be interested to know what he's doing at work.

Do you know the OM's friends and family? If not, does he have a facebook page that lists his "friends" that we could help you expose to? These type of player guys HATE exposure and often behave like cockroaches when the lights start getting turned up around them by exposing their behavior.

You are not in Plan B yet...so you remain, for now, in Plan A.


She can't see you working out because her mind is playing wayward tricks on her. She's still seeing and talking to OM so her brain tells her that she must not truly love you if she's willing to do this. Her feelings for OM have overridden her feelings for you so now she's not attracted to you and your neediness of the last few months has only exacerbated that. All that is over-comeable if you can just get her to go "no contact" with OM.

Thank you so much for your response-she does still work with him-yes. Although she tried to switch jobs-he is not in a relationship at the minute-he has an on and off parther who he has a child with and she regularly puts up with this behaviour from him-they aren't together at the minute. His friends (unfortunately I know many of them through work and see them everyday are very similar in nature so my approach is to ignore them and be the bigger person.

I'm not sure if thu are in a relationship (I feel to a certain extent that the exposure to her parents and friends have stopped this although I can't be sure)

I don't see how I can implement plan A and convince her to go NC when she is still not in any way committed to reconciliation. I do agree though that the 180/plan B are exceptionally slow and agonising. I've prepared myself for the pain of that and am 100% willing to use that time to grow and learn if she does return.

Men can usually stay in Plan A for 6 months, even longer, without the stress affecting their health. That's why Dr. Harley strongly recommends that men stay in Plan A for so long. In Plan A, you eliminate all your love busters and start addressing any complains she has had about you. You meet ENs she is willing to allow. You show her that you care about her.

The beauty of a long Plan A for men is that if you stick with it, your wife's account in your love bank will eventually drain and when/if divorce is the plan, you can do so without as much negative emotion.

Ignoring your wife will simply prove to her what she already believes - that you don't care about her.

The 180 is not the same as Plan B. You would go into Plan B if the affair starts to harm your health or if you are starting to hate your wife. Plan B is no contact at all with your wife, except for relevant concerns communicated through an IM of your choosing.

My wife knows how much I love her-she knows that she is everything to me. Anytime we see each other (which isn't often) she also has a lot of warmth/affection for me at the minute.

One day (6 weeks after her affair) we met talked about why things changed in our relationship (we pinpoint our difficulties to a 3 month period) Feb to May this year when I became very withdrawn as a result of work stresses and a serious head injury/skull fracture after an attack whilst on vacation. Prior to this we had 7 years of genuine bliss and everyone described us as the perfect couple-going from everything to nothing in that 3 month period hit us hard. My wife accepts she didn't communicate with me enough and didn't realise something was wrong until it was too late.

She is 100% aware how much I care for her and am willing to work on the marriage but I feel that the overriding fear of how things could go back to being the same (i knlwntey couldn't but could be stronger if we grow individually) is crippling her.

I could be wrong but based on the interactions we have had I feel that this is the case. I have a great relationship with my in laws and they are both broken by this too but thu are aware that if they try to speak with my wife it will close her down further.

It's all very confusing!!!

A robber broke into my home and stole my wife's jewelry case, our camera and a couple of our computers and big screen televisions but I didn't call the police or heck, I didn't even make an insurance claim. I just figured I'd be the bigger person.


I presume you care about your wife a heck of a lot more than I care about my personal property (though my wife sure does like that jewelry a lot). So standing by while being the bigger person WHILE you are being "robbed" of your wife's love and affections is just absurd.

Typically we find here it's not really about being the bigger person but rather a fear of upsetting the wayward wife and the perception that if you anger her you'll be ruining any and all chances at reconciliation that's driving the behavior.

STOP THAT.

The road to reconciliation runs directly through the town of anger and upsettedness. If she gets mad at you while still in contact with OM then you are making progress disturbing and upsetting the affair.

OM just LOVES that you think you are the better person and you are keeping his deeds and behavior a secret. Nothing stopping him from continuing either. Since OM is practically single he's free to chase any skirt in town and as long as yours isn't a hassle he'll continue sitting at the base of that tree. However, when you make messing around and bothering your wife a problem for him...he'll just move on to less troublesome women to conquer.

As far as "convincing her to go "no contact"", have you even asked or did you merely say "I'm ready to try just let me know when" and never discussed the elephant in the room. Certainly she'll say "NO" but that won't stop you from continuing to interfere in her affair until OM or WW gets fired or one of them quits or OM just goes back to his old girlfriend because he's sick of dealing with this crazy woman and her crazy husband.

Disrupt and attack the affair
Demand No Contact
Confront the OM
Expose again
Ask her parents to send their daughter back home where she belongs and you can alternatively apply more pressure on the affair, demonstrate changes and make the marriage a better place to be.

Then, in time, if she continues to refuse to quit her job and go No Contact ....THEN you go dark and into Plan B.

Mr. W

I don't know much about the 180 plan.
I do know that they are against exposure and many people come here after trying the 180 plan and don't save their marriages because they did not expose the affair.
The 180 plan also does not have a plan to restore romantic love after an affair, which is the main focus of Dr. Harley's program.

RUN from using the "180 plan". It is a plan for marriage failure when there is an affair.

Again-thanks for your input.

I really am confused now. I bought some books-divorce busters and divorce remedy. They say that I shouldn't be nasty etc etc (I'm sure you know the drill)-never get angry. This contradicts the information given here at puts me in a position of limbo.

I appreciate everyone's replies-if the affair isn't continuing (as I expect) what approach should I take and if I believe my wife when she says she just can't get her head around how it could be the same and is struggling to get through each day (her mom confirms this)-should I give her time and freedom to work things out?

MB doesn't say to "get nasty;" You are to avoid anger and other love busters. Dr.Harley strongly recommends exposure of an affair, because it shines the light of day on a tragedy. But exposure is a kind act, not a nasty one. It's kind because the person who is having an affair is doing something very destructive and needs accountability. The betrayed spouse needs support.

MB does indeed contradict some of the other resources you mention in other ways, but MB isn't about avoiding divorce or staying married at all costs. Rather, MB is about killing the affair, being the best spouse you can be while being a soft place for the wayward to land, and about creating a passionate, romantic, safe marriage.

Your approach, if you want to save your marriage, is to tell your wife that the marriage will not go back to the way it was - instead, it will be better, that you will eliminate all your love busters, that you will meet her needs, that you will spend time with her. Naturally, the recovery will take both spouses, but you can offer up what YOU have.

Ask your wife to return home and join you in a program of recovery.

Since you have no children, you may choose to avoid recovering, and that's your choice.

I'm not going to recommend those books, but "don't be nasty" and "never get angry" don't contradict any of the advice you are given here. Dealing with a conflict, problem, or even an affair doesn't mean you have to get nasty. It DOES mean you face the problem head on and bring both your Taker and your Giver to the table.

Thanks all

When I reflect on things I feel that I have done a bit of both. I exposed to all her family and my own and I knew that had impact-My Wife and her mom are exceptionally close and her mom has been broken by this because of how much she loves me. She cried for days in her parents house. I also told her 2 best friends (our bridesmaids) and 2 of her work friends who are good friends of mine. I hope this level of exposure was enough to stop things but I remain unsure(I hope saying this doesn't come back to bite me). I hold a slight bit of hope in this area because she hasn't been spending any time away from her parents (work the only exception) and a night or two out.

I have also looked after myself and remained on good terms with her despite what happened. I will wait and see what the next few weeks bring and if I find out the affair continues I will expose further! Starting with her boss who I am friendly with.